Its time to say goodbye.

So...i have picked up a real journal again. I think writing on actual paper is not only romantic, but so much more personable and sacred for me. I have learned to keep secrets to myself because mine is a story worth telling whole. I am, however, thinking of using my tumblr soon for my musings. Nothing personal, but I just have to go. I have put too much of myself out there already. Mine is a story worth telling whole.

And I'm happy, thanks :)

Xoxo

Your signal fades away, and all I'm left with is noise...

Dallas Green is a beautiful man and I would do anything to have him: fact.

Things are a little better. And I've realized the advice is bar advice. I love my little bar friends, no matter how much older they are from me. I get free drinks and awfully nice people to spend time with, a win win kind of deal.

Maybe I messed this up from the beginning. Who knows? I wanted to go slow to make sure my wounds were healed from before, to make sure I was ready so I wouldn't hurt more than one person. I liked you a lot a lot, like a lot! What happened? I dropped from view and from your attention like a dead weight. I can cite my drop in status like a linear history. Perhaps you met someone new, perhaps I just wasn't your type, perhaps you just got tired of me. Either way, I was hurting and could sense some sort of change. And yes, it was fucked of me to message you through a phone, right before your show, right before your trip. I know you'll enjoy it either way because something tells me you won't miss me much.

And yet, I'd love to pick up the phone and say 'Hey'. But I won't. I told you how I felt, what was wrong, and I never really heard anything from you and what you wanted.


Well, enough of that. I'll be sad for awhile. It's just another chip in my foundation for now, along with all the other shit I've been dealing with.

I met with Kevin today to talk about camp. THe stress begins. All I want is for that damned cook, April and family, TO NOT BE THERE THIS YEAR. That's all I want. Seriously.

I start 'The Summer of ME' tomorrow. I really need to hop on my research. I'm getting antsy. I need focus. I need some sort of INSIGHT. I keep asking myself Townsley's question: "What do YOU see? What are you showing us?"

What do I see in hardcore? What is there for me to show you? Oh, lawd. Don't even begin.

I'm going to bed because I'm sad and lonely, but more so tired. Heavy heart, heavy bones, heavy skin. I need to eat more veggies.

xoxo

BLOG FROM THURSDAY; BLOGGER WAS DOWN

The universe can go fuck itself royally. I am so sick and tired of the bad news that seems to stick to me like a second skin. Apparently, my family and I just can’t catch a fucking break. How marvelous.

My aunt is back in the hospital and it doesn’t sound good. Her body, after the hysterectomy and colon removal, is collecting fluids everywhere, even in her lungs. I’m worried and scared. More so for my mother. She’s trying so hard, way too hard in my opinion, to do so much for Beata and her family. She’s an incredible person but she has to realize that she has the power to say ‘No’. Sometimes there will be things she simply cannot do nor find the time to do. She has her fucking MTELS on Saturday and the phone was ringing off the hook with people, mainly family, asking for favors. I know this might sound awful, but, where the fuck were these people when we were struggling/ still are struggling? My mom has to learn to put herself first, not me or Bo or Dad, but herself. It’s not selfish; it’s healthy.

Bo is still bitter and angry about his wounds and the cat. It will take him a while to heal. Dad is in Oregon. Mom is a mess.

And me? Well, I’m just fucked. There is no one here for me, or anything. I’m trying to take my mind off how sad of a situation I’m in. Even the friends I do have in the area don’t fucking invite me anywhere. Seriously, after these last few weeks I would love to go out and not think for a bit. But no. Nothing. No invitations, even after people ask me what I’m doing.

I’m seriously trying really hard to not be negative or bitter, but it’s way easier than faking a smile and pretending like everything is fine. Everything is NOT fine, thanks for caring. Family members are suffering and dying, our stress levels are so high and there’s just new shit to deal with all the time.

I want to run away.

Well, in lieu of trying to be positive, maybe I’ll end up getting a lot done for my thesis anyways? Shit, maybe this whole thesis shit will work out?

Maybe I’ll have something to be proud of.

PS, I found these tips online. Hopefully they help.

1. Never respond when you are not calm. If you are not sure that you are calm, don’t respond. Take time to calm yourself down first.
2. Take a deep breath as a first step to calm yourself down.
3. Speak in gentle tone to reduce the tension of the situation.
4. Realize that you can find opportunities in negative situations. Albert Einstein said: “In the middle of every difficulty lies opportunity.”
5. Look at the content of what people say to you for something positive that you can act upon to improve yourself. Don’t just reject the whole messages.
6. For the rest of the messages which is negative, simply ignore it.
7. Maintain positive view of the people. Maybe you don’t like their messages or behavior, but that doesn’t mean that you can hate them personally.
8. Realize that having negative feelings will just hurt you, not them. So there is no reason for you to have any negative feeling.
9. If you make mistakes, be open to admit it.
10. If you make mistakes, remember this quote by George Bernard Shaw: “A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.”
11. If you can, listen to motivational audio program to feed positive thoughts into your mind.
12. Talk to a positive friend who can encourage you.
13. Remember your favorite quotes to give you inspiration and motivation. This is one reason why you should have quote of the day.
14. Look at the negative situations as your training sessions for real life. The higher you climb in life, the worse the negative situations would be, so you’d better be prepared for them.
15. Realize that you can’t please everyone. In fact, nobody can. Sometimes you need to just let some people go. Realizing this will relieve you from a lot of unnecessary burden so that you can focus on the people that you can positively interact with.

City And Colour -- Boiled Frogs

Secrets

Good things happen to bad people: they are still bad people who happen to have good things. Bad things happen to good people: we are still good people.

This has been a very trying time for me and my family. Figaro went crazy today and attacked everyone because we were puppysitting. Bo had to go to the ER his cuts and welts were so bad. I was a little better, but I still saw the color of my own blood. It was like the scariest thing I have witnessed. My mother screaming, and the cat just going at it. Fear. We were all scared.

Seriously, there is nothing scarier than seeing your hands drenched in your own blood.

Bo is in a state of shock, and I think heartbreak. He love(d) that cat. My mother is drowning in guilt and sauteed the chicken with her tears. She has the MTEL on Saturday. I just want her to be happy.

I have moved back home. Today, actually. And on top of all the family stress in regards to finances, sick family members, my dad, my mom and my future we have Bo and the crazy cat.

I want to cry but I am too numb right now. I wish someone was here. I wish someone offered to come see me, take me for a ride, just fucking talk to me. How sad is it that it's my ex boyfriend is the only one reaching out to me, even after we fight? He's a good kid, but I'm happier without him. He offered to take me on a motorcycle ride soon to help me get my mind off shit. I think that's really kind, even after everything we've been through.

Kindness is really rare. Compassion and caring, even more so.

I feel abandoned by a lot of people. I just have to get used to this because life is always changing, people are always leaving. Somehow, all the exits people take with me are dramatic. And I'm always the one left behind. There are no more pieces to pick up, though, more so I can't pick them up. The pieces, shards of glass, have cut me up something fierce. My own blood on my hands.


This is and will be the summer of Me. I will love myself above all, and before anyone else. I will accomplish my goals and dreams. I am so much more than what people have turned me into, I am so much more than the person you aim to hurt. I am going to grow this summer, no matter the pains. I can't depend on people, or trust them, but I can depend and trust on me.


Peace and love.

THRREEE

I'm watching the Celtics v. Miami right now. Boston leads with 38, 2nd quarter. We finally won a game on Saturday. I watched it in Cambridge with my very good friend Jenna and her roommates. We downed a huge pitcher of white sangria (DELICIOUS) and drank all night afterwards. I love the neighborhood she lives in in East Cambridge. I might even like it a bit more than Boston or Allston. All in all it was a wonderful weekend!


I finished my AMS paper and went to bed at like 5. Thank god that it's over.

On Saturday, before driving to Jennerss<3, I went to a family function celebrating Ami's Communion. It was nice to see my family because all of the recent traumatic events that hit us out of nowhere. Even more so, it was nice to see everyone come together. My Aunt Eva and Ola did not show up, which was really rude. BUT, apparently drama is unavoidable.

I had a good time laughing and drinking with my mom. She's a doll.

Well, it's come to the end. I just need to edit my English paper and start packing up and move out. I have to get my plan together for the summer. My aunt wants me to visit her in Chicago in either late May/ early June. I'm working at the camp in July. I want to go see my baby girl Emily in Jersey for her birthday. Overall I'm feeling good for the summer :)

Boston 42, Miami 37. HOLLLAAA

It feels good to get that last post off my chest. I caught you in a lie, and I hope you all feel stupid. It's okay. Whatever. Rich kids will only ever truly get rich kids. Marx was right, it's a class thing. I just don't relate to what it must feel like to never having to wear your heart on your sleeve, or carrying family burdens like a crux. Whatever, enjoy your golden life while I'll be busy trying to build mine. You are fake, pretentious, nauseating and just negative energy. You all were great to have around during the good times and for fun, but when shit hits the fan or when I represent too much reality for you all, deuces. Fine. Suck a turd.

I need to work on my paper. Like for real. It's due Friday and I have a lot to do on it.

I keep getting this panicky stressed feeling where all I want to do is run away and masturbate. Ahhhh! No. I need to focus. I just need to focus and get shit done. One step before the other. Thank god Bob gave me a bag of 300 lollipops because at the rate I'm going at I'll need at least 50 a day. It's my thing.

Anyways, I had a great night tonight helping Bob film a project for his class. After wards we all went to Panera and got food and just dropped jokes. It was nice. And it was so nice to see Emily so happy. It was definitely an awesome study break.


MY GOALS FOR TONIGHT:
Finish my cst proposal
Finish organizing my paper
Write 3 to 5 pages on my paper
Take my makeup off, brush my teeth and bed

GOALS FOR TOMORROW:
Wake up at 7/8
Breakfast
Work on my paper til 1:30
(get to at least 8 or 12 pages)
Pick up Bo at 2:00 for his interview
Bring him to interview
Dinner @ home
Finish and edit paper
Email it to Melissa
Bed

GOALS FOR FRIDAY:
Wake up 7/8
Breakfast
Readings
Shower
Meet at Thirsty Mind @ 9:30
Work @ 11:30
Work 12 to 6
Create outline for English paper
Start packing (?)

GOALS FOR SATURDAY/SUNDAY:
Wake at 8
Gym
Shower/ Get ready for Family Party
Pack for Boston
Go to Family party
Go to Boston
Get Wasted<3
Come Home Sunday
Work on English Paper

GOALS FOR MONDAY:
Work on English paper/
Finish english Paper
Pack

GOALS FOR TUESDAY:
PACK, GO HOME


There it is folks. My whole finals schedule. I just gotta stay motivated now.

FUCK THE CLASS OF 2011.

SERIOUSLY, YOU ALL ARE FUCKING BITERS AND ASSHOLES. WORST FRIENDS EVER.

I WOULD NEVER TREAT YOU SO COLDLY LIKE THAT. I HAVE TRIED TO INTEGRATE YOU INTO MY LIFE, INVITED YOU PLACES, GIVEN YOU THINGS AND LOVED YOU.

FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU. I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO SAY GOOD BYE, LET'S SEE IF YOU ACTUALLY NOTICE. I AM SICK OF TEXTING YOU ALL THE TIME AND YOU TELLING ME YOU'RE BUSY, TO ACTUALLY FIND OUT YOU'VE BEEN HANGING OUT WITH EVERYONE ELSE. PHOTOS, BITCH.

ALSO, SHE'S A FUCKING SOCIAL CLIMBER. SHE COLLECTS PEOPLE. YOU DON'T THINK SHE'S USING YOU?

AND "YOU", I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOUR PROBLEM IS, BUT I GUESS YOU DIDN'T LIKE THE FACT THAT I QUESTIONED YOUR FUCKING AUTHORITY ON JUDGING MY LIFE. HAH.

GTFO. THE SOONER THE BETTER.

Her Morning Elegance / Oren Lavie

meh

I am silent, cold and speak in black and white tones like
those movies you watch with your grandparents
to learn what it feels like to be feel old.
Dreams in moral virtues and hues of baby blues,
the way you read me, man, you read me just right
with text scrolling in yellow glints across my face.
I am perfectly made in the image of some god
with curled curls and pearly whites adorned with jeweled crowns
and long trimmed nails. The pictures never looked as glorious or
felt as smooth as that long practiced red lipped kiss on a white
stained wall.
But now we stand woven and teased out like the louse that has taken
shelter in that eyebrow follicle that twitches when you laugh.
Glamor, baby, you have it all, and I can only stare and drool
in the anticipation that time will have you moving towards me,
looking, staring, comparing...
You held my heart strained against the cracked porcelain
mane of the beast you sold your records to
Tip tapping the change in your pocket, so hard to beat
figuring I'd keep quiet the harder you'd squeeze.
You had me hello and now you've left me with no goodbye
like the sale of some used pantyhose drawn in at the seams,
too tight to breathe.
Dressed like the doll you had painted me to be, I
walk, I talk like some dead cadaver knowing the jokes
you had trained me to believe. I live for this.
I die for this.
Your voice hisses from the train as the whistles clang and bang
my hands against the grate leaving me behind
perfectly poised for the meeting of friends,
but you are no friend,
but a coming of news, and a poor soul with even slower aim,
And I take pity, pity, pity
Over every drawled out word thinking the chapter draws nigh
to an end, a place to begin, restart, befriend.
My heel is broken, cracked skin runs red, and the blues of my
thighs to the yellows on my ribs turn purple upon
my asking, like an invitation to play, or more so,
a demand to invent, to hide, to circumvent.
give me a deal, man, you read me so well.



It's easier when this stuff just crawls out of the woodwork, you know? I need to do this more often as it's like meditation and release. Feels good to put words to work.

Last day of classes tomorrow! I had sushi tonight, and it was wonderful, as it always is. I have a ton to do. I have to put the pedal to the metal, literally.

History is linear

Osama is dead; the world is ending.

This act has more implications and complications than anyone can truly know.

History is a linear movement; it is the 'winners' progression. Whose story are we telling? Whose story are we forgetting.

So much has been lost, this can never be considered a win.

Pieces of glass

My heart is like blown glass at this point, nothing but a thin layer of burnt sand holding myself together, keeping my anxieties and happiness apart. I am waiting for news about my aunt. She had her hysterectomy last night. I'm taking Ami, her daughter and my cousin/niece, to a movie at three.

I am waiting for the racist Republican agenda to be finally understood and revealed for what it is. Nevermind, take the Respublican out, add in American. Donald Trump is the perfect example of the 'American'. Vote for him and lose your soul, I swear to God. Even this was a publicity ploy, it's nothing short of disgusting.

I am waiting for Alabama, Mississippi and the other States to come together and breathe and bandage themselves up. There is blood in that soil now, so many have perished.

I am waiting for Indiana to wake up, as Wisconsin did. Cutting access to basic and necessary health care is like cutting off your nose to spite your face. Thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, will be suffering, if not dying.

I am waiting for the call to bear arms, and for the safety of knowing I can barricade myself in away from you. I am trying to be strong and to think I can do this. But, I feel like I can't do this. Not now. Please don't tell me/ tell me her name. Don't tell me/ tell me you did, you felt, you saw, you touched, you held. I am nothing to you, but Goddamn it, I am something to me. I don't regret what I did; I did it for me. I know you were doing the same. But I did me for my own sanity, yours was out of selfishness. So be it, this is war.

I slept like shit last night. My dreams, when I had them, were of swollen riverbanks and twisters erupting out of gray clouds, with colorless faces running past. So much is going on: my family, my work, school, my thesis, my fragility, my weak heart...

I'll find strength in stupid Twitter posts praising God and all his glory. Yes, Rev. Run, keep me whole.

I need to find my own confidence. All in all though, I'd like things to go back to how they were. Sometimes I dream of never meeting you. You woke something up in me I had hoped was dead.

No, no, no. You're right; I shouldn't care.

Guess what I found out?

I mean, I guess I'm glad you found someone new. I guess. I'm glad we're not Facebook friends because I'd probably be a major creeper 23/7 (1 hour of sleep). Oh, and one more thing, how old is she? Last time I checked she was friends with 15 year olds...uhh...

(I'm fucking cuter though. Don't you ever forget that.)

:)

It's going to be a good day.

Oh and Janelle Monae was awesome. I got a shirt :)

I finished my sociology shit this morning! WHEW. Did not take as long as I thought it would I'm done with two classes! Only two papers and I'm freee<3


Ps, there's a thunder storm wrecking havoc in the sky right now. I have always wanted to have sex during a thunder storm. Actually, I think I did when I went camping with Dave and Amber and co. and Dave split his finger open the next morning. Seriously, all night while the tent was poured on and almost floated away we fucked and fucked and fucked.

But seriously. I want to have sex during a thunder storm in a house by big windows. Not too much to ask for.

I guess I'll take a nap....


JANELLE MONAE TONIGHT<3 I almost touched her tour bus on my way to class. I'm such a creep.

PS...

Childish Gambino is not keeping me on track, haha. Time for some DJ Shadow and Bikini Kill. I need angry shit. Stereotypical Bane is ok too. AHHH

EEEEEgads

Ok, I'm supposed to be writing my sociology revision. And I've just spent an hour staring into space/surfing the web. WTF. I really can't do this. I'm so tired haha. I'm acting such a fool.

Seriously, for tomorrow I have to:

Revise my research proposal
Provide my Sample Informed Consent Form
Provide my interview schedule
Bibliography from my presentation


And I am so not motivated. I had a cupcake and then I have a bag of peanut butter m&ms, sour patch watermelon candies and a bag of lollipops Bob got me. I'm crashing with NOTHING done. I keep fucking myself over haha. I'm going to have to take a nap tomorrow after class and before Janelle. Oh yeah, I'm seeing JANELLE fucking MONAE tomorrow night. Sweeettt.

Seriously, again, after this sociology business I only have two papers to do ughhh and I'm prolonging the inevitable. Where is my drill sergeant or some angry figure in my life? I NEED TO GET SHIT DONE.

Ok, it's 12:00am. Let's see how late I stay up. Bwaha. Sad:(

im good, im gone

And if you say I'm not OK
with miles to go
If you say there ain't no way that i could know
If you say i aim too high from down below
Well, say it now 'cause when i'm gone
You'll be callin' but i won't be at the phone



I have way too much in my life going on to be stressing over this kind of shit. And if I come off as over reacting oh well. I'd rather deal with this on my terms. I was right all along, and though I don't necessarily believe I have to be heartless to get through this, I should save my smiles for people who deserve them.

I feel better after posting this; I can focus on my presentation for tomorrow.

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love...

Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

I'm not sorry there's nothing to save...

I should know this by now.

I should really stop trying. Everything I do gets me nowhere. Are you even listening? Do you even know? Do you even care? Why do I bother?

I chose my room today for next year. Dickinson 201! It's the last dorm room I will live in during my undergraduate career. Woo!

Libby went to Minnesota; Emily is off campus. Bummerz. My two biddies are gone. The others slowly just drift away, around, in and out. Or some are just quick to judge. Either way, lonesome ville here i izz. I should be doing work anyways haha.

On Saturday I'm presenting at a Sociology conference and I haven't put my presentation together. I should hop on that. I also have a stupid astro lab presentation on Monday and I have to put my thesis somewhat in order and email a shit ton of people. Yes, I should be doing that. And yet, all I want to do is sleep. And have sex and/or masturbate. And sleep. And have sex. And sleep. And sleep again.

16 days and the semester is over. Thank god. Once I have this telescope presentation done and all my sociology stuff put together, all I have for finals is a presentation and a long paper for AMS and a 5 to 8 pager for English. Not too bad.

PS. Skinny Love is on repeat. I can't get sick of this shit. When Bon Iver sings it like touches my guts. OMGHEGETSME!@!@!@! hahah jk.

K. I should do something with my life tonight. Bye.

Thesis update

Rundle isn't comfortable being my thesis advisor, but wants to be a reader. Oh well. I'm emailing Townsley.

I'm losing hope. This is stupid but I really need a sign telling me if I should do this or not.
Sad day.

Oh.

...and my babysitting duties have begun.


Apparently next weekend I am taking Ami and Ewelina to Six Flags. My brownie points better start adding up.

I feel physically ill. I woke up at 8 only to take a nap at 10. I'm only getting out of bed because of a meeting at 1:30 and 3:30. WTF is wrong with me?

Seriously, this anxiety is coming out of nowhere, or I am making it worse for no reason. I need to get myself together.

Bad news bears

I got my grades back form astronomy. B minus/ B plus. Not great. This bummed me out. What made it worse is that my astro lab grade has to be considered as well. Cool. Not. I hate lab.

On my way back from Northampton, Mom called me telling me that my uncle is very sick. His wife, Eva, has a reoccurring cancer that was first found in her breast. A piece has traveled to her brain. I remember in high school we learned all the terms about this, and who would have thought, I forgot it all. No scientific term can account for emotional turmoil.

It gets worse. My mother's cousin, Beata, the one who I worked for last summer and the one who connected me with Croatia, has a tumor on her ovaries, a lump in her breast and is facing a possible hysterectomy.

I never really had much of a family. I remember always being jealous of people and their big families and their big holiday parties. Just being able to have that group and community feeling, that bond over blood. I don't know my cousins; they live in Poland. We are strangers. The family I have here is so overextended that it's almost comical, but we strive and keep some sort of bond together. Family is family, and we all hate each other. We don't get along. And yet, I'm heartbroken. We're hurting a lot.

I called Beata and wanted to tell her that because I'm not doing anything this summer, I'd watch her two youngest kids whenever she needed some time off/time to recover. She said she would call me back; she was in her appointment.

I had a dream about my uncle. He's a jerk. We got into a fight and he stormed off. My mother believes in dreams.


I dressed up kinda cute. Did my hair, did my makeup, to no avail. I feel stupid even trying.

I hate asking for comfort because I hate coming off as weak, but for once I'd like to not worry about anything. For once I just want to put my head down knowing someone is there. I just want to be weak, just once. I hate being strong for everyone. I wish I could cry in front of someone and be ok with it. I wish I could feel human and not feel imperfect at the same time.

Fuck it. I'm just going to bed. Blogging about shit is not going to help me. Tomorrow I can be productive. Fuck everything though, the universe is out of whack. Fuck people too. Whatever, I'll call Beata again tomorrow.

Fuck makeup. It gets everywhere when you cry.

Docs

I watched two documentaries tonight and both were awesome, one a little more so than the other. One was on people of color in punk/hardcore and it's called Afropunk. It was absolutely amazing. I loved it. Nothing but truth, nothing but truth. The second was on riot grrrl, we don't need you, and it was like a half hour long. It was aiiight, then again I was never very into riot grrrl. Being the Derridian I am (joke, joke, take it easy...) I don't believe that switching oppression onto the oppressor is the right way to go...you're just playing into the same system, just changing the roles. Totally on Spitboy's side on this one ;)


Anyways, the Celts won game 2 tonight!!! YEAHH!


I've been getting by on the skin of my teeth. No good. I'm so burnt out. Ugh. I just want to deal with music and interview people for the rest of my life. Love love love it.

friskyy

Astronomy lab took forever. Just, no. There's birds trying to nest in the vines outside my window. MAD RUDE. They wake the shit out of me in the mornings. Nature.

I'm getting a stud tomorrow morning. I am so thrilled. I'm going to buy a ring as well, just so I can switch it when I'm over it. I love having my lip ring. Everything feels so cool Tand interesting, as though everything has a new texture.

I'm presenting at a conference on Saturday. I'm kind of nervous. I bought professional clothes with Mom and I think I look very nice. Cute, in fact. Ohhh man. Mom might go, haha, but I think I'll try to dissuade her.

Tomorrow I just have a meeting with my Smith professor at 10, my lip ring, and then my seminar from 1 to 4. in*Touch is right after, and I'm hoping to hit the gym. I have to get my library books before they return them on me. Sheeet.

Despite everything going on, life is actually quite swell. I go to sleep happy. Seriously, the week of my period is like such a rollercoaster. The week before I'm emotional as fuck, and then the week of I'm just so elated to be alive. I don't get it. It's like my body is happy to be pouring out ounces of blood from me for a week. Fuck you hormones....sometimes.

xoxo

Tune in, tune out

What an awfully lazy day. I woke up multiple times over the night drunk as hell. Lucky me though, I wasn't as hung over as I thought I would be. I was just really dehydrated and thirsty.

But last night was veryyy nice. Awesome in fact. I broke the barrier ;) I need to buy a new lip ring though. Some rough contact ended up unscrewing the ball. I love making out. Love it. I'd rather make out than have sex...sometimes. Haha. I went to bed alone, but I think that was a good thing as I was so obnoxious and cocky I'd end up having my way with any little thing that ended up in bed with me. So much for decency haha.

I looked hella good last night as well. The gym is paying off. All black errythinggg

The only thing I regret is waking up alone. I miss waking up in a cuddle or with body heat next to me. It's been awhile :/ I feel like I'm getting so cold.

I'm so exciteddd for the end of the semester/summer. I might be going to Chicago, and/or L.A. for a bit. Hollllaaa.

damn

I've had more ice coffee this week than all of last year combined. I am still alive. Also, there is dog shit everywhere. Does no one pick up after their pooches?

WTF? Stanky.


Steve is totally 'green light' with my AMS project and presentation. I'm a happy puppy. Now, to rope in his genius for my thesis.

Possible thesis advisor ALERT BTW. Erika Rundleee! Yes, please say yes yes yess<3


I don't trust you. At least I can still have fun with you.




I totally do not want to live at home this summer. I would much rather try to get summer housing here on campus, or rent a little room with a nice view. I'll be reading books and books and books this summer anyways. I just don't want to be in Springfield. It's not my family either, it's just the area in general and the anxiety of seeing someone from high school. FUCK HIGH SCHOOL. There are few people I would want to see anyways. I can count them on one hand. Most of them were smart and got away from SPfld. Le sigh.


HARDCORE ALL DAY ERRYDAY. Ok, I need to eat. I'm acting ridiculous.

You want me to participate in a...

Debutante Ball? Uhhh,I don't think so. Sorry.

All eyes are on me now...

Oh Janelle, you got meee.

I know my worth, trust me. You've lost a lot. I haven't lost anything. I gained a good time, some good memories, whatever. You gave me up first. Remember that.

I don't play games, and I'm not spiteful. I'm sad you let this happen, but I feel like you got your own shit to deal with.

DEUCES.

:/

Didn't have Sociology this morning, but I couldn't sleep. I wasn't very productive this morning, though. Maybe I'm getting sick.

I took a shower and almost passed out when my head told me :"Where the fuck are you going in life?"

Good question. What the hell am I going to do? Law school? LSATS? GREs? It can get overwhelming sometimes. I just know I always want to be financially secure (like buy a Cadillac secure) but happy too. To sell out, or not to sell out?
Oi. I'm a mess.

Well tonight we're choosing residence halls for next year. I'm aiming for Dickinson or Pearsons. I want a wooden floor and a big ass closet. At least that'll be one decision out of the way.

It's so hard finding a thesis advisor. Email me back, please?!!?

Here's to an anxiety filled Tuesday.

Can't sleep.
Can't dream.

Furrowed brows knitted together. Oh headache.

But the windows are open, and the winds rush in.
1:00 fire alarm had me up in shivers and shakes.
Emily didn't puke this time. I covered myself in the sounds of laughter.

I didn't lose much, and it won't hurt too bad. I've just gotta learn to walk before I go sprinting.
fight tooth and nail...for me...ya digg?

I digg.

Cold War

VAPOR w/ Midnight Conspiracy 4/16
Dr. Ruth 4/17
WMHC w/ Dominque Unique 4/22
Oberhofer 4/23
Sociology Conference 4/23
AMS Presentation 4/27
Andrea Gibson 4/24
Janelle Monae...4/28 <3

LAST DAY OF CLASSES 5/2


I have a lot to look forward to. Ok, so I'm looking at this future investment which might cost me a bit, but it's something I really want to pursue. I'm looking at getting a mixer than connects to lap tops and players of all sorts. It's a beginner's kind of mixer, but when I get better and come into more green I'll invest in some real machinery. I'm really excited. My summer WILL be awesome. Especially with that beautiful piece of metal.

I get such anxiety when people argue. Seriously, my post on Facebook gave me like 42 mini heart attacks. I get so excited/ riled up at the same time. It kills me.

Happiness is Tegan and Sara and Monae on repeat. Ohhh damnn. I just want to shake my booty.

Night all.

PS

I knew I wasn't ready for this shit. I knew it.

Lame

I love how when I'm upset or sad the first thing I think about doing is finding a lyric to post as my status on Facebook. I'm so pathetic. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Declaratory statements kill me. And fuck, no one is on campus/ wants to hang out. This is worst: feeling like shit and having no one to shoot the shit with.

I'm going to just bury myself. Thanks. Fuck.

And fuck everything. Just, go fuck yourself. FUCKKK

what the...

eff!

EVERYONE IS PREGNANT. GTFO.

Yes. I am definitely leaving Springfield behind.

xoxo

concrete feet

She said I'm tied to this land like some sort of bad habit, one that has me kissing the bathroom floor every time the bottle is emptied. I do this thing where when I'm down there counting tiles, I pretend they're tiles I never saw before, never felt before, never had before. I'll scrape their rocky insides, pushing disgust away, until I feel the little concrete pebbles fill up under my nails, blaming it on being drunk. It's true; it was a trap and I set it, no need for bait, or a prize. I'm stuck here and the air burning my lungs is no longer friendly or known, it's got more of a cancerous aroma than anything.

She told me this today, a spring day. Every footstep on the pavement made the sound of a baby's birth waking scream and the trees' buds looked like swollen glands. There is life all around me and Nina Simone like mumbles in the talking of birds, rushing waters and bugs (yes, the bugs are back). And yet, here I am, questioning my own path I am taking and whether everything that happened was a lie, a constructed footbridge to some expected outcome. How silly, I had always prided myself on being unexpected(ing).

I am stuck between dreams and reality. I wish I could take all these words thrown at me and could mold them into something strong and beautiful, or even into a pill, and take it, and feel strong and beautiful too. The problem was never that I never heard encouragement enough, it's just I could never believe it when I said it. That's taken awhile to learn and thus has been my hardest challenge: believing in what I say. Baby steps, the world is made of them. I walk slow, though my heart pounds as though I'm running a marathon. I never want to be expected.

Either way, she is right. I need to get the fuck out of this place. It's not a hate thing, it's not a love thing, it's definitely a freedom thing. I have been in the Valley far too long and these are my prime years and whatever growth I obtain is always cut short during the moments when I return home, a mere 14 miles away. It is old friends, old memories, old everything that keeps me trapped in fear and trauma. She is so right. I hold onto these expectations they have, this consistent need to outdo everything and everyone, like a rat race but, BUT! Who the fuck am I to them any more? It's as though when we meet for that yearly hello or so, we compare lives and judgments and gossip. I can't stay in this vicious cycle any more. It was never a hospitable place for me. This place will never be a hospitable place for me.

I need to travel. I need to put on my sneakers and run. I need to feel, I need to fight, I need to bleed, I need to fucking live.

I'm going to set out and do everything I want to do. Why? Well, because I want to. I know I'll end up leaving people behind but...wait...fuck it! HAH! I've been left behind so much, and on so many occasions, I can't be missed that much! It's time to take the hint and to go go go. As another good friend said, I need to find 'my dumb shit'.

Regrets are inevitable, but they happen for many a reason, and in truth, they happen in the hopes of making room for something better. The only thing I'm afraid of now, is that when I start running, I'll forget to look back, but maybe that's the point! Live through this, and you won't look back...


I'm not sorry there's nothing to save...

it was a dream

We did in*Touch interviews today. Everyone was really good, some better than others. Unfortunately, we had to turn away a friend of mine :/ I had to do it, I almost cried.

I was so stressed today I didn't eat much, if anything. I don't remember. I'm going to be so happy the moment this PPH talk is done and over with. It's mad stressful. I have so much going on, I don't know how to make heads or tails of it. One step at a time, one step at a time.

I need a good cuddle sesh ;)

It's a good kinda thing

Damn, I hate getting my period. Not just because of the physical act of actually getting a period, but the emotional ride the little fucker takes me on. I went from being all mopey and depressed to almost touching nirvana and tucking into cloud 9. fack.

But, I guess that's what 5 episodes of Arrested Development and a peanut butter cup sundae can do to ya :) I'm really glad I took the night off. I might regret it come tomorrow and my massive list of things to do, but I'm happy.

I'm also happy because I saw an old foe's facebook. They look happy. And you know what, I'm happy for them. They accomplished what they wanted, and that means a lot to me, no matter if we got along in high school or not. I'm happy for them. I really am, its weird. I guess I was always jealous of their drive, something I hungered for and was always empty on. It's an issue I'm dealing with still, but goddamn, it's so refreshing to see someone be so alive. They chase dreams; I only dream them. I realize I have grown up under the illusion that good things should be put off until necessary things and the 'formula' are complete. Well, I say fuck that. I shouldn't have to wait to be happy, or to do what I want. Things happen all the time, right? Good and bad; why can't I also work towards getting what I want?

I feel constantly chased by this big hand of time, I might as well start running.





I want to count. I want to start making things count. I count.

What lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why

by Edna St. Vincent Millay

What lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why,

I have forgotten, and what arms have lain

Under my head till morning; but the rain

Is full of ghosts tonight, that tap and sigh

Upon the glass and listen for reply,

And in my heart there stirs a quiet pain

For unremembered lads that not again

Will turn to me at midnight with a cry.

Thus in the winter stands the lonely tree,

Nor knows what birds have vanished one by one,

Yet knows its boughs more silent than before:

I cannot say what loves have come and gone,

I only know that summer sang in me

A little while, that in me sings no more.






OH MAH GADDD. I am so not motivated. I want to do absolutely nothing. FUCK. I have so much to do though. Conundrum.


I'm exhausted as well. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm such a mess.

:/

I keep thinking about Zack, about how I didn't see him off. I'm such a weak person. In these situations I feel like I can do nothing right. I think of his last days; him getting lost in the house/forgetting where he was and who we were, his blindness, his weakness, his loss of everything. I heard mom say on the phone she still wakes up 2-3 times a night expecting him to be by her bed like he always did to let her know he had to go outside. I too, somehow always expect him to be in the corner of the room, perking his head up when I open the door to come in.

I miss you bud, and I'm sorry. The last 16 years wouldn't have been the same without you. You were a wonderful member in our family. I wish I did more.



I'm still at home, writing my midterm. It's due Tuesday. I'm using Simone de Beauvoir's The Second Sex to dissect Spitboy's "What are Little Girls Made of?". Interesting indeed. I'm a page in, only need 3-4 more. However, I'm kinda sad. All this new radio music I downloaded keeps me going, and it keeps me pumped. I would like to go dancing this week/weekend. It would be such an amazing release!

Anyways, I plan on a late night. I want to get a lot done in order to avoid late nights later on in the week. Like a bandaid, just one tug tonight and I should be in the clear. After looking at my schedule and due dates, I'm not in as big a hole as I thought I was. Imma be okkkkk.


K....I'm off to feminism and DIY '90s hardcore. Cute.

Katy Perry ft Kanye West - E.T.

Another rant...

Sorry. I just have to rant again, haha. I love this blog because it's like therapy to me, you know? Once I say it here, I usually let it go, or through my mundane texts can see what went wrong/how to fix it. Bear with me, mmmkay?

1. HYPOCRITS.
OMG. It would be so easy to call you out and put you on blast. And I totally should. The last two times I saw you you were on some sort of fucking chemical or hard substance. Ecstasy, cocaine? BAH. And yet you have the nerve to write that you're annoyed with 'people who don't know how to have fun without being inebriated' and that you're taking a hike. First of all, you're full of shit. You always take part in this holier than thou enlightened stance where the life you live is SO REAL, SO AMAZING, SO 'IT'. You claim to be a vegan, but I myself have caught you eating shit you shouldn't have. You also claim you do it for your health AND YET you continue to get smashed and to roll on whatever the fuck else you deal at least 5 times a week. You're a fucking mess. It would have been so easy, and it was so tempting, to get at you, but I realized it was petty. So instead, I'm going to stew on it here, poop it out and move on. But still, kid, your ignorance and your arrogance never ceases to amaze me. Fuck, weren't you the one who invited me to Green Eggs and Kegs? BAH. Get the fuck outta here.

2. FAKE-NESS.
For this purpose, the word exists. God, I am so sick and tired of dealing with materialistic assholes. Don't get me wrong, I love spending money when I have it as much as the next person, but damn. Don't you people have real goals and dream and aspirations? All it is is money with you people! And it doesn't end there...the constant flaunting too, damn it makes me SICK. And sometimes it's not just money, but the flaunting of gathered cultural capital. And it's not like a proud flaunting, it's a flaunting that resembles a dog marking territory, or gaining some kind of upper hand in a duel. Just no. I can't wait to leave you suckers. GET OOOOTT.

3. FACEBOOK SUCKS
I seriously hate facebook. I try to limit myself, but it is hard. I mean, the information you gain is so accesible and easy. But still, it sucks up my time, patience and motivation. I always end up feeling sorry for myself because of it. I look at other people's fantastic lives, friends, good times, bodies, etc and I get sad and sometimes feel so unaccomplished. When this mood hits, it even passes into times when my friends communicate with me. I start to hate hearing other people's good news. I get bitter, I get cold. I don't know, maybe I focus too much on my bad news? However, looking back, all I have had this month is bad news to share. From failure to abandon to rejection to tough decisions, nothing but shit. The longer I stay off facebook, the happier I can and will be.

Speaking of bad news, my spring break was absolutely awful.
1. Still bitter about the Julianna thing, I couldn't help but feel angry over the situation she put me in. In a way, it's partly her fault I ended up doing nothing for spring break. Bitch.
2. I spent 660 dollars on new tires. FUCK. However, they are amazing and they provide a great ride.
3. I HAVE SO MUCH HOMEWORK. FUCK PROFESSORS GIVING WORK OVER BREAK, SERIOUSLY, FUCK YOU.
4. I have keratitis in my eyes. It's a viral (not herpes!) infection where I basically have chronic bloodshot eyes. It's from my contacts. Boo. I can't wear contacts for awhile and my eye doctor is a total dick and a half. I hate him and his stupid gray ponytail.
5. On Thursday, we put Zackie down. He was 16 years old. :( I get really sad when I think about it and I get this lump in my throat. I don't think anyone really gets it. Some people tried the sympathy thing but it only made me angrier because it felt so forced and contrived and in a way unbelievable. Other dog oweners knew what to say :/ Whenever I enter the house I expect to see his pathetic little body curled up in his miserable basket in the corner of the living room, and not seeing it kills me. I couldn't cry in front of my mom, I had to be strong for her, and I was. She said she feels better about it. I do and I don't. We got Zack at the same time my brother was born. I thought we got them at the same place, and always vouched to return Bo (lol, jk). I'll miss him. RIP ZACK.
6. My interviewees are douches. Fuck sociology.
7. I'm so stressed over the work that is due this upcoming week. I feel so lost/ behind/ disorganized.
8. Alienation by friends. Faaaccckk.
9. Japan :(
10. RADIATION !!!! :(

My mom is watching The Breakfast Club. Cute. I'm going to go and complete more things on my to do list and figure out if I'm going to Boston tomorrow or not. FACCCk.

I just want to read and cuddle.

xoxo

Metal sounds, like a can scratching a fork

It's the Monday of Spring Break, and yes, I am doing nothing. It's a bit disappointing and numbing. I suppose I'll get over it.

Things have been calm lately, except life in the house. Bo is always causing some kind of trouble. It's that 16 kinda thing, ya know, just that restlessness. I am kinda like that now, only instead of dropping my mother's phone into my fish Lucifer's tank, I silently scream inside my head WHY THE FUCK AM I NOT DOING ANYTHING RIGHT NOW? Oh, yes, I got a fish. Bo was with me and I asked him what I should name him, and he, of course goes, "Lucifer. Duh." Ok brother, Lucifer it is (Luci for short). He's a Siamese Fighting fish and I think he's absolutely gorgeous; he is a grayish white with a blood red color running from his body into his huge fins. He's quite a big fish. I needed something to love.

By the way, I spent $660 on tires. Continental Extreme Contact DWS tires. I get a free Flip Video Camera. Awesome? Sure. However, my pockets hurt a lot. The ride is much better though with the tires bringing on a smooth, quiet and well equipped ride I haven't experienced in awhile. My tires were old (4 yrs) and the right passenger one (the one that eats potholes) had a bubble. Joy.

Anyways, back to Spring Break. It's not that I don't have anything to do, I have plenty of HOMEWORK. It's awesome....no. In fact, as I write this, I have my astronomy assignment up. Hah. So much for adventure.

I am also going to see the eye doctor. These eye infections are ridiculous. I only get them after I wear contacts. My brother has the same problem. I am sick of the red, itchy, watery feeling the day after I decide to wear them. Fucking a.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to interview particpant #2. I'm excited. I still need to get in contact with one of them, and the other has kinda been avoiding me. Not ok.

I went to the movies last night to see Battle for Los Angeles...twas ok. Very action packed but very ehh for how it was put together. However, it made me sad at a few events.

K, well I'm going to go draw a sunspot grid. K cool.

PS- Found and bought a rare Spitboy/ Los Crudos vinyl. :)

xoxox

Tentative to do list:

HOMEWORK:
astronomy (sunspot grid) homework
Astronomy Lab Scorpius Constellation
Sociology interviews
transcribe interviews
project research (hepdige, pop culture, etc)
AMS reading- Glam Rock
AMS research (Blush, Am. HxC, etc, Spitboy)
English- Midterm paper on applied theory
ETC:
hair cut/color
bank
scholarships
PPH panel discussion and publicity
dentist/ eye doctor

Things will probably be added.

Walking With A Ghost - Tegan and Sara (KD Dubstep Remix)

Are they gray or blue?

Oh man. I spent three hours this evening using a wicked cool telescope to look at the sky. AMAZING. Why didn't I get into astronomy? That shit is so fantastically cool it's unreal. I saw Andromeda, M3, M83, Polaris, the Cigar Galaxy and Orion. So cool. The views were small, of course, but you could see the 'fuzzies', which were galaxy and star clusters and cosmic clouds. So cool. It was worth being frozen to the bone.

I've gotten nothing but good news all day about my project regarding Planned Parenthood. Things get better when more effort and passion is invested, I noticed. Good; I'm glad. It seems like it's going to be a good event too. April 6th, 7:30 in Gamble, a panel on PPH sponsored by in*Touch. This is actually a really big deal for me. GO BIG OR GO HOME.

However, I won't lie, Mondays run me into the ground. Today I had class from 11 to 1215 and I was freaking out because I thought we had a quiz. The quiz is on Wednesday (PHEW). Then I had to rush to the Health Center to get Safe Break tabling stuff and I tabled at Blanchard ALONE til 1:40ish. Then I ran to my dorm, made some calls and emails in regards to my project, ran back to Blanchard for my cochair meeting at 3, visited Student Programs to get the OK for my project, emailed more people again, ran to MacGregor for CST dinner (only me and the other student liasons + Karen showed), and drove to the Observatory and risked getting a ticket for parking in a commuter spot lol, then 3 hours were spent in the cold observing the skies. Phew. My back hurts. Tomorrow is just as bad: wake at 7, read and breakfast, 930 leave for Smith, 1030 Soc class til 11:50, drive back to MHC, lunch at 12:30ish in Mac alone probably reading more, seminar from 115 to 405, try to make the Ethiopian Jewish event, dinner?, go to intouch meeting at 530 til 7, and then write my midterm paper. Not going to the gym is killing me ha. Oh well, Wednesday will be so much better. I'm looking forward to Wednesday 1:30 pm.

Also, on Wednesday I'm interviewing my first participant for my sociology project on hardcore! I'm excited! He's been real nice and he's cute. AND HE'S JEWISH! Hah. I'm planning my second interview during the weekend if and when I go to Boston. Then my other two during Spring break. CHYEAH.

Alright, I need to go to bed. I'm tired and stressed. The busier I keep, the less I dwell on my miseries, which is good.

xoxox

Tegan and Sara - Terrible Storm w/lyrics

Metric / Help I'm Alive

And I was kinda like, FUCK THIS

Wow. Just wow, what a fuckingly EPICly AWFUL time in my life. Seriously, please, everyone, take a seat and laugh. By all means, this is the best part.

So first, let's talk about how I lost a fucking best friend due to her own ridiculous logic. I was supposed to go on a cruise this spring break with Jules, who has been my good friend since like 1st grade. Bitch ends up getting invited to go to MIAMI for FREE, and instead of telling me, I keep all the bookmarks open on my computer waiting for the OK to buy the tickets. I had everything figured out: cruise tickets, bus tickets to NYC, and even cab fare from the NYC Port Authority to the Harbor. And instead of telling me, not only do I feel like a FUCKING FOOL hoping and waiting for this chick to give me the green light, I miss out on making ANY make up plans with other people. I found out BY FACEBOOK. She didn't want to tell me because she didn't want to upset me...SHIT. It's a free trip, by all means GO FOR IT. I wouldn't stand in the middle of that. But no, she waits til i find out to not 'hurt my feelings'. So, guess what I'm doing this spring break? NOTHING. Then there's a whole big mix up with the Wiz Khalifa tickets I bought, she ends up not going and I sell the ticket to her little sister. Just, WTF. Time and time again I put my neck out in the hopes of making people happy only to end up screwed.

Secondly, let's talk about INTERNSHIPS. Did I get the CLPP program? Fuck no, of course not. Why? Because I obviously do not come to PAR with anything I want to do. Same shit with the Polish program last summer, DENIED. Well not DENIED, but restricted access due to financial shit. Goddamn, if only money didn't rule my life. If only I was rich, some sort of happiness could be secured. I must learn to be much more cut throat about that. CASH RULES ERRYTHING ROUND ME.

Thirdly, let's talk about GODDAMN MALES. First of, ya'll are FUCKING NUTS. I give up on securing any type of happiness from 'partners'. Everyone I've encountered so far has either a fucking chip on their shoulder or some sort of shit they have to pull themselves out of. I don't judge, but when it starts to impact our relations and you come out FUCKING CREEPY-- I'm out. Seriously. And again I feel stupid, and I shouldn't because I guess I'm just the strong type. I don't want any relationships with anyone, females included. I just want to fuck now and then.

Seriously, for a month everything was going FINE. We had fun, we hung out and you seemed to dig me. You met my friends, they liked you. And I was fine with what we had. But oh wait, I guess you feel like I was looking for something more? EXCUSE ME, I told you I didn't want a boyfriend and you were the one who was so willing to change your facebook status and incorporate me into whatever semblance of a life you had. FUCK. But oh wait, I'm the one expecting more? What the FUCK? Those were the signals you were sending? I was fine with what it was. And then, you proceed to disrespect me on Friday night, the night I got denied by CLPP, by storming out on me like a child. AND YOU FUCKING MADE ME CRY? Really? I'm so sick of this, I put myself out there in trust and faith that I can put lonesome on the shelf for a bit and BAM. Door closes, end scene. I didn't even get an apology, or an explanation, just 'I need to figure myself out'. Fuck yeah you do. It gets better: I call, out of weakness, and you tell me to 'text' and proceed to hang up. I text. No response. One word: DEUCES.

I don't need SHIT. I need a challenge, not a handicap. The weekend was awful, nonetheless. But you know what, at this point, I can only sit down and laugh. I think that's the only positive I've gained after all these years. I no longer drag out the misery that accompanies these things, I've learned to move on and to take care of me. I have my own work to do on myself, and maybe it'll be nice to be alone for awhile. I don't want to invest in anyone right now who isn't willing to invest in me. I'm sick of being the glue in any of my relations (friendships included), it would be nice to be small and weak here and there. I get tired too. So from now on, I'm just going to be friends, or acquaintances with some physical ties. To be honest, I'm way too weary and dragged out to put myself out there for anyone, any more. Sarah was so right, I have a 'type' and they all are not what I deserve. Again, I need a challenge.

Forget broads; gain capital. I'm going to be coldblooded and cruel. It should be fun. PS, I passed out in my clothes last night...haha all time low? Yes, but it fit the situation haha. I seriously have such a good group of friends. I love em all. They keep me together and take care of me. I'm so appreciative<3


Well, I'm off to do some work I have to do for this week. And try to figure out where I fit in the greater formula of life. I feel like I'm making some sort of concession by conforming to college and the idea of 'normalcy' and 'success'. I guess that's what it takes to play the game. I feel like I'm losing so much of what I believe in, and I'm going to give up so much if I go through with what I have in mind: I might actually decide to go into L.A.W.

I have some soul searching to do.
xoxo xxxo

Keep Runnin

There's a girl who keeps puking and it's gross. I would be more sympathetic had I believed she was really sick. I don't think she is. She and her sister room in the suite I had last year, a beautiful room corrupted by two crazy whacked out white girls. I don't like them much. Sometimes the older one screams and screams profanities, and they fight and claw. I can imagine fur and hair flying, like two rabies infested mangy street cats going at it. No one liked them much last semester; they were loud, rude and out of hand. The older one took Russian with me my first and second years here; I found her annoying and quite rude to one of our professors. Ugh.

Well, apparently they've been puking/screaming all week and weekend. Somethings not right. Perhaps one of them is pregnant? Or simply stupid? No, the stupid is a given, the pregnancy a waste. Oh well, let their lives unfold as they will. They'll get theirs somehow, someday.

Today was a long day. I had lab which seemed to last forever, and yet I wasn't able to finish it due to some technical problems my partner was having. Oh well, I really hope it doesn't affect my grade.

I am low today. I am tired and a bit overwhelmed. I have a lot on my plate to figure out.
Academically: my thesis, my sociology project, midterm papers, readings, seminar readings, research, student liason business and events for CST, understanding astro, getting my spring project together for Intouch (which, by the way, I had to start all over; no more GEMS, I'm focusing on getting a Planned Parenthood discussion together).
Socially: some grounding, some organization, some understanding, some piece of mind, some proof of feeling.

I am agitated as well. At what? Who knows? I feel clogged and trapped; I never meant for my life to go this way, but how can I even say I meant for it to go anyway at all? I didn't expect for it to be like this, and I didn't think I'd feel like academia was so big of a sham. I am waiting to get inspired and driven; I am jealous of those with passions and ambitions. I am lazy, perhaps, or maybe a little sad. I just want to feel alive, feel the blood running in my veins, in my head, for me to actually get excited !!!! about something, someone, some dream.

What are my dreams? I can't recall any more. Shit, do I even know who I am? The face in the mirror is a new one everyday, and the words that spill out of my mouth are foreign like a language I don't know. I never meant for it to be like this, and yet, it is.

Hope. It echoes in my head like some sort of salvation: hope. I don't have any. I have nothing but my hands and feet. Now is not a time to feel sorry for myself, but I can't help it. I am afraid, technically, of everything. I'm so used to feeling disappointed and sad and am so bruised from it that I withhold some emotion, withhold from giving just to prevent feeling at all. I am constantly in the fetal position with my hands over my head; even walking to and fro has my mind crawling into the corners of my skull, hiding and whimpering. I am on the defense.

I want you to knock my walls down, and I'd like to enjoy a dream where I'm not constantly fighting for something.

What a shitty day. I hate self revelations and evaluations. People are shit, everything is shit.
I'm going to bed.

The Sound Rock'n'Roll official video clip

Gotta Be Somebody's Blues- Jimmy Eat World

I am ceramic china chafed thighs in vanilla smoke skies.
I am hollowed out chicken bone sheets on inked out sleeves.
Terror wiped eyes on children book faces,
The dawn will bring a truth too quenched to fulfill.
Our bodies are swollen and woolen, full of the water,
Full of the hateful lanolin carded off sheep and fowl, foul play
not necessary.
I am
Running out of time for pieces to fit, for sense
To make right, for might to fly.
Things are never what they seem, when the
Mirror is already cracked and bruised,
Like old summer shoes, our skin is peeling
to older dreams, too brainy to care.
You are witty water worked paper on sanded down pillow cases,
Where I lay my head down and dream of knives and
bloody rat races.
The cheese the prize, the sore the bore, we eat
the fat off the land like some condensed whore; add more
milk. Set to boil. Forget.
(tbc)
**************************

A delightful weekend, indeed. The Oscars were today, I completely did not know. I looked up the nominees and realized I did not see a single film on the lists, except Alice in Wonderland? Haha, so sad. That's what I'm going to do, I 'm going to watch movies more often! Oh if time only allowed it.

http://teaser-trailer.com/movies-2010.html

I'm so sleepy but I have homework to do.
This week should be a little hectic. I'm a little nervous. Last week was nice because things were switched around, however I got nothing done. Bad! Bad, bad, bad!

My throat still hurts. I don't think I remember what it was like to be healthy. This is awful. Absolutely awful. I don't want to cough any more, I don't want to blow my nose, I don't want to grimace when I swallow. Goddamn.

Well, I'm off to do astro. I'm going to the gym in the morning. I love working out. It helps me zone out for a few and just work my body. I miss being an athlete, sometimes. Oh well, I have my goals in sight. It's going to happen!

Caribou- Melody Day (Four Tet Remix feat. Luke Lalonde Adem and One Litt...

Anti-Pop Consortium - Volcano (Four Tet Remix)

Gossip, gossip, n***a just stop it

I am a goddamn American, and a woman at that. I am a goddamn female bodied American, and there you sit in your wooden paneled seat deciding if I can fuck, birth, ovulate and live my life correctly. Goddamn!

Last week was a bad week for America. Wisconsin moved to get rid of public worker rights and unions, South Dakota filed for a 'justifiable homicide' bill that would make it 'ok' to kill an abortion provider or anyone harming a fetus, and THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES MOVED TO DEFUND PLANNED PARENTHOOD 230 to 185! WTF. The EPA, PBS and NPR are on the chopping block too, nevermind the 25 million $$$ set aside for Wall Street prevention measures that would stop the repeat of the continuous cheating of our economy today by capitalist megalomaniacs. FUCK. This is so frustrating. However, I do believe the PP defunding is what shattered me the most.

This is a direct attack not only on reproductive rights and services that are ESSENTIAL for women, but an attack on the American family as a WHOLE. PP is NOT synonymous with ABORTIONS...abortions can only be funded by the patient and by state funds if the state is aligned with abortion healthcare. Not a federal dollar goes towards abortions, and last year, only 3% of all PP functions and actions were abortion related. That's out of how many service transactions and appointments last year? hundreds of thousands?!?! PP is synonymous with reproductive healthcare and women's rights. Its through such services that diseases can be kept in check, cancer screenings are made available, contraception is available (all types!) and overall wellbeing checks can be performed on people who can't afford insurance companies' murderous rates and doctor's visits. PP is a good and necessary program and to attack it and defund will not only hurt Americans everywhere, but it'll be a huge step backwards for AMERICA.

PS, since when were Conservatives so adamant about having control over peoples' bodies? Last I heard they hated Michelle Obama for creating a nutrition bill for public schools for 'interfering into private lives' and 'choices'?

BLUE OR RED, Y'ALL HYPOCRITES.

Laura Veirs - "July Flame" Official Video

Grey or Blue by Jaymay (lyrics included)

Landlocked

You've grown around my heart
like a barnacle on the lost
sunken treasure chest
nestled in the sea's skin. We are drowned lovers,
you and I; you breathe in deep salt smells
that linger on every curl, and
every line. I instead forget to swim when
the storm is coming, and let the sweet
hands of salvation pull me down, down, down
to that bottom. We are reckless and recluse,
hidden away in some nook or cranny waiting
at port for the perfect time to jump ship. The depths call,
but we try not to heed it.
I think of your hands as anchors,
that keep me still when the
waves do nothing but haunt and bleach
my salt stained deck.
And when you're wrapped around me,
you are my mast,
my freedom wing singing
hallelujiah winds at losing sight of land.
Should we grow thirsty, we'll have taste for sea water,
bitter as the plants we harvest and
the words we sow in fallow ground.
The truth is there in all her weathered splendor,
winged and wicked like the tired albatross loosely
bound in twine and string. And should
we grow hungry, the eggs of birds of fish
will taunt our plumped bellied souls into
dreaming of jellied fish and ripped nets;
we are the victims we set our traps to.
So when I jump, you will swallow me whole and keep
me close to that essence I can't own.
And when you set sail, with me on the harbor
buried in wood and stone crosses, remember:
time is a vessel, and us, just the sea.



XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I am really upset about the Planned Parenthood defunding. I will talk about that tomorrow.

I am way too tired, and way too happy, to be talking about a sore subject like that.
"Let good things happen"

Sand, sand, sand sand everywhere

The one thing I hate most about the winter is the sand that gets everywhere. Even with slippers on and my shoes outside I manage to sleep in a sandbox every night. Awesome. Not.

I burned 456 calories today at the gym and watched the Celts spank the Nets, even while they got ridiculous calls from Richardson. Jerk. Also, Pierce made a comeback from a really bad game this weekend. PS, Vujacic or whatever the flip his name is can suck it. Whatta cry baby.

Anyways, watching the Celts win at the gym is definitely a plus. And def got my juices going.

However, Mount Holyoke Bball lost...to the Coast Guard? Ouch.

I have an extra ticket for Wiz, shhhiiit. I'mma ask Jules if she's still up for it.

I'm pooped. And a little eh. Tomorrow should be good. I hope. Class consists of drinking coffee in two separate establishments and trying to the make the familiar strange or the strange familiar. Oh sociology.

I'll give you my heart, no one lives there any more...

100 Days start tomorrow. Today, getting out of the shower, I looked in the mirror and almost cried. It's not that I was disgusted or freaked out, it's just I didn't recognize the person standing there. It's not who I am. This is not who I am!

So, I've decided to take agency and to fully come into myself. I'm taking life by the balls; everything is going to change: my organization, my habits, my shit. I have to get this show on the road. No one's going to do it for me. Also, I realize I have so much ambition for my life, so much stuff I want to do and I get motivated for like 12 hours and then before I know it, it's gone, or somehow I feel stupid for even wishing such a thing. Well, I'm high on it now, motivation I mean, so I might as well ride the wave and see where it gets me.

So. 100 days. Tomorrow. I am ready. I start by pulling an all nighter haha. So counter productive, yet, I have a lot to do/prepare for a change of this magnitude.

I do want to stress that I am happy. I really am. What I'm doing now is simply for me and for towards a better quality of life.

Today I had pho with Jenna and her partner Nancy. I missed them so much. It so nice to see them and a completely worthwhile sacrifice of time. They are magnificent. I want them in my pocket forever burning holes with their hot hot love and passion haha. Ohh man, miss them already.

I made a certain someone a 'Get Well' assortment. :)

Wish me luck<3


(Yes, I like you :)).

Crystal Castles (feat. Robert Smith) - "Not in Love" Music Video

meow meow

domesticated

sleep is the cousin of death
so i stay lifted, shifted like fine grains
out of some sort of strainer
pushing my guts out my ears like
sausage spitting meat grinders where
nervosas are flowers in life's great wonderful
fucking garden, my thoughts like weeds
plowing through god's good seed spilled on
fallow, hungry, dry earth.

this is that moment when the moon
even hides its face outta boredom
from peeking in too much trying to gain a
pervert knowledge of my turns and curves
the way my spine collects at the dimple above my
ass, where the bruise keeps singing every time i press it...
yeah that's how i'll remember you.
ugly, yellow, outlined in a purple hue hugging
onto muscle craters that once would produce
strong children.
or so grandmother says.

it's that type of night where nightmares come
peeking outta closets and nestling onto the bookshelf
eating pages outta my mysteries and legends,
already foretelling a bad ending and i
forget to breathe knowing all these bad ass
bitches think they have me pieced together,
think they know me so well
like some sort of piece of worn leather you wear
over that softly torn cheek i told you to turn over
every time i spat in your face, your eyes, you are beat.

sleep, the cousin of death crowds this room
asking me why i hate him so and all i can
recall is that moment on my back when clarity came
knocking but I was too fucking dry to make a noise,
a peep, just a fuckin squeal and i would have been saved.
but instead i took these bruises like badges of honor
from lost sisters, fuck those brothers, stuck in the mud
in the crud, in the lies and the pains every striking blow
aimed. i hate you because i can. i hate you,
because I will. i hate you, because it's something i can manage
turning into a feeling, a thought, an action and something i
can believe in. I hate you because you're fucking human. I hate
because I am.

this is that sort of moment when tears are supposed to crowd my eyes
like bullet points at that meeting where
we figure out who to cut and carry, divide and bury to make
our profits sprout out of some poor desk slave's neck.
this is that moment i'm supposed to lay my head down in sighs and wonder
what's it like to not be rude, bruised, crude and abused.
the part where i stand up and raise my hand crying out
"teacher, teacher what's my lesson...I'm a victim, I'm a blessing"
I'm sorry but my shit has never blossomed poppies and dried out opium seeds
where i can dumb your mind into thinking im some
sort of storybook line, or rhyme or better yet,
accept me as some sort of crime.

you know youre good when youre not caught.
you steal away from the scene with blood on your hands, someone
else's screams erupting out of your ears.
i hope the next time she cries, you see me.
i hope the next time she lies, you fucking feel me
writhing and squirming under your big, harsh dry hands
like that earthworm in second grade you would tear apart
just to feel like digging dirt
was worth somebody's fee of life.
i hope the next time she leaves, she doesn't come back.
i hope the next time she bleeds, it'll be her last.
i hope the next time she runs, she'll never stop
and i hope the next time I tell her she's beautiful
she'll know it's true.

Sleep. I tell her to sleep. She wants to tell
me stories. She fears the dark corners.
I tell her I could never understand.
But it's that moment, when the Moon gets bored of
peaking inside you, it's that moment
where worth is but a scar, a passing shade,
and you believe it's true when you're called every
name in the book, and he does it to protect you,
and you believe the lies and traps set for you,
the hollow eyes devouring every ounce of your fresh
young skin, using cracked nails to tear the semblance
of humanity you thought you had left where ugly is the
best thing you could hope for on those roughed nights
where your favorite color is the pool of blood on the blue tiled floor
because it reminds you of that dress you wore when you first met,
but you hate when it gets on the rug, somehow it always gets on the rug
and the bleach you use burns the cuticles you took so much time
to cut away and remove, where you are not good enough
and your apologies are insults to injuries you wish you understood,
where youll never know why his love is so...
is so...
is so...
sleep. It'll all be over, soon.



xoxoxoxooxxoxo

Open mic tomorrow. We shall see :)

I want to sleep so badly. This sickness is just killing me. Also, it doesn't help I get hung up on assignments and blog postings when i could be sleeping. BOO :(

Taco Bell fast starts today haha. I am such an enabler.

Alabama, Arkansas...!

February's Expense
Spring is in the wind, today. I can feel her tearing at my flesh, pulling each woolly hair out, strand by strand. Joseph, make your coat. My footprints echo the splashing of tears when the sun is woken, and the bursts of light are caught in curls too tightly sprung for this kind of weather. Oh, oh, oh it is like running on piano keys, can you hear it? The music is strained and taut like the violin strings of the veins of leaves; I hide here. Everything is pressed and dressed, ironed to a finery I can only see with eyes closed. The breeze tells me the stories the dust of old bones are too shy to admit to and I eat every word like a scalloped shell; the lump in my throat is too much, chew before I swallow a regret I could never name. I am dancing, the feet are alive. But...

...(there is so much I will never tell you. Buried with time, stolen with age, keep quiet and still. How could I lie? Should you peel the layers, you will find the heart of the matter, but the layers provide a warmth you will never know. I pray that I do not offend you here, but what is the question? AGAIN, it's the rush, you say, but one cannot trust the piper. Your hands are caked in a blood that is not red, I cannot see. But it is there. Heal your wounds, they bleed onto me. I cannot be your bandage now, I cannot clip my wings for you too see)....

...(there is so much I believe in, but there is only so much I can believe in. You, foe, are not an aide, but an inhalant, so I breathe you deep. You burn the hairs of my throat, you thrash and crash into my stomach, swallowed by my fears that singe your truths for the jokes they are. The jokes, the jokes. They tumble out your mouth like dust clouds, and trust me, I have tasted truth; it is history cremated. My eyes burn from tears that are too offended to fall)....

...but after all, it is a beautiful day.

xoxoxoxox


What an exciting weekend. I was Team USA for the Beerolympics on Friday and danced my ass off last night here at Mount Holyoke. I legit feel like SHIT though, too much for poor widdle me. I am so looking forward to sleep. I am turning in early today.

I have decided to keep both blogs up and active. One, not this one, will be strictly for creative pieces, while this one will be me bitching and moaning and theorizing about why I am here and not there. So be it. This is me pretending to organize.

Oh fuck yes, "Lover's Spit" just came on. Such a fave.

Sushi on Thursday! I'm excited.

I have a few choice words on the topic of presentation. Will I ever be queer enough? Probably not. However, it you gauge that and refuse me, I feel for you. I understand our clothes, mannerisms, and actions denote and 'present' who we would like to be seen and taken in as, but it's bullshit. It's an art based on assumptions and falsities. It's an act. I am as true as I can be to me, myself and my tastes, but I will never cater to an image molded out for me. I am not here to please you, love, but me. If I ask you to dance, take it as a compliment, I am interested; deny me, and unfortunately, be lost. It's like that Hedwig quote: Deny me and be doomed! Love it.

This doesn't end at sexual presentation, or gender presentation, but in general. Layer on the materials, the clothes, the jewelry, the accessories, the haircuts, the everything: you are still a bag of decaying matter. You all have started dying the moment you were born, and dressing yourselves in lies is an injustice. What is image? What is this impact you are trying to make? WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU? Well, I don't even know. You may think your clothes speak volumes, but they don't. I'm no impressed and I don't speak the language.

On that note, I am so hungry. I hunger for meeting people with some depth to their personalities and souls. I want curiosity, I want amazement. I am so tired of bullshit arbitrary pretentious statements. I am sick of 'artists' of intellectuals and self proclaimed prophets. I am sick, sick, sick! You all leave me drained. Most of you aren't even in contact with the 'real world', and then, the other half of you have no base of thought to begin with! OI. I need an advil.

That ends that rant. End of story: don't judge people based on their material appearances and presentations. It's all bullshit.

Anyways, I leave this update on a positive swing. I am absolutely in love with my friends here and I am going to cry so hard when a couple of them graduate. I have made room for them in my life, and it's going to leave such a jarring hole in me when they leave. Thus is life; a constant trading of seats and friends. Emily, you are beautiful.

xoxo

Bill Withers - Ain't No Sunshine

Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros - Home [2009]

Kayah & Bregovic - To nie ptak

Runnin' outta earth

I am such a grumpy pants today. I need to think twice before I speak. I think this the worst part of my sickness; my body is fighting it but it takes a toll on me. I'm so sleepy. I just want to catnap all day.

I have one class tomorrow and a meeting with Barb and KJ. KJ told the group she was diagnosed with breast cancer. It's tough. I want to start a Relay for Life team for her. I'm trying to learn how to deal and cope with my emotions based on this. It's just a phenomenon you can't really accept until it hits close to home. It's so weird though because my Tarot reading said someone close to me was going to be sick and was going to go to the hospital, not family, but someone close and that they weren't going to be in bad shape, but the hospital would play a big role. KJ has been to like two hospitals everyday this week. How unsettling.

I just want to cuddle :( and have hot choco with marshmallows. And watch a cheesy flick.
Fuck homework, I'm so over it! I might as well get it done now. Boo hoo.

Drinking last night with my biddies was fun. I miss little hangouts and get together meetings. I love Sarah's partner, Mike, from NZ. He's a hilarious Kiwi and he's so good to her and for her. Happy things do indeed make me happy. She deserves it :) Emily has a hot date tonight with an old fling! I wish her luck, her ex was a downer. I gave her some little gifts ;)

And tonight, if nothing comes through, I will be happy with my hot choco, bed and Netflix account. My hot date with some good old R&R.

Graveyard's Full

Wilcox Sessions - The Growlers (Graveyard's Full) from Wilcox Sessions on Vimeo.

Schnow Schtorm

I stupidly thought I could take on Mother Nature. I was born in New England and raised as closely to the standard as possible growing up in an immigrant home. I drove out this morning after clearing the snow off my car with a chocolate chip scone in hand and a very pugnacious pride in my heart. I was wrong.

I wasn't even out five miles when I got stuck on a hill. The Environmental Police helped me back out and turn around, only for me to get stuck on the opposite hill I had gone down before. A phone call was made to my family; my dad was coming to tow me out with the Jeep. An hour passed with four plows and a multitude of pilgrim cars passing me. My anxieties were quite high, but I wasn't going to sit idle. Bad things happen when I'm idle.

I rocked the car back and forth pressing on the gas, in 2nd gear. Slowly, I made my car turn 90 degrees to the left onto quickly disappearing previously plowed pavement. Once my front tires kissed the greying edge, great progress was made inching up the hill. 20 minutes later found me getting out my car in the exact same parking spot, only filled with 3 more inches of snow.

Quite a defeat. I emailed the professor. It really was out of my control. All Mount Holyoke classes have been cancelled for today and tomorrow. The second storm will hit tomorrow, only with ice. Luckily, the Ultimate team has offered to dig out cars for 5, 10, 15 dollars, depending on the accumulation around the car. I believe they're going to make a good profit. There are some cars who have been plowed in and snowed on since December without being cleaned once. I'll definitely make use of them ;)

I went with Emily and Steph while they donated blood. I'm still sick so I couldn't, but I was happy to talk to them and keep them busy while the bags vacuumed their arms out. Quite gruesome.

I'm going to take advantage of these snow days to catch up on my reading. The gym is out of the question, as it is closed, but I have TurboJam! HOLLA!

Maybe I'm not a playa? I don't know. I just have this sinking feeling. Oh well, I'm just going to keep listening to N.W.A. Hopefully they make me hard.


THE GRAVEYARD IS FULL; WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF EARTH. BUT WE CAN USE THE BONES TO BUILD ANOTHER CHURCH.
THe Growlers, Graveyard's Full

Gold Guns Girls [Official Music Video] - METRIC

Censored

Egypt is on fire. Like a hound, I can smell the blood churning and boiling. They want a Revolution. My, my, my, what a cost.

What a rough day. I'd love nothing more than to have classes canceled tomorrow. It hasn't even been a week yet, but there is something dragging me down. I love my classes, and I am excited for my seminar tomorrow. Seriously, what a good semester class wise, but...I don't know.

I'm a grumpy pants probably because I am sick. Also, because I have realized maybe my formula is wrong. Either way, I give up. I will not place effort into things that should be effortless. I love you more than a sister, and I hate how you keep telling me you only see me as a sister, a 'little sister'. I wish things were different and I wish you weren't in love with your girlfriend. I wish I had taken action our first year of meeting, but I didn't know! However, it's not a sexual love, but a possessive one nonetheless. Pursue me! I hate always being the one to ask you to meals and events. I hate being the sumissive one. I just want to curl up next to you guiltless and blissful. No sex, no nothing, just sleep. Ahh, pfft. I will mend my time plugging the holes you have left within me with people, places and times. History, a story of the past, moves forward. Even crawling, I am moving.

I am tired, and worn out. This weekend has left me torn and ruined. I don't regret it, but I am only as strong as I believe I am. Belief and faith are running out, quickly.

I'd like to be weak, just once. I'd like to be carried, just once. I don't want sad stories with sadder endings, I don't want your tears, your fears, your scars and burns. You all are greedy, your hands upon me as though a feast; and yet you all avoid the scars littering my skin from the constant cutting disappointment that accompanies EVERYTHING. I barter, but still bleed. I'd like to be weak, just once.

The only idea that entertains me is from taking astronomy this semester. Looking at the universe, the idea that wherever you are, where I am, has an incredibly small chance of having ever occurred. What I am doing now, the clothes I wear, what I type on, what I say, and feel, the fact that I just AM...it's too overwhelming to explain. I like that.

HH-Have Heart- Hard Bark on the Family Tree

Andrea Gibson, Photograph

Dilly dally

I spend so much time in a world and place other than the one I am really in. My mind needs a leash as I find it all over the place. Perhaps that's what my mother means when she says I need to start walking on the ground more.

What a funny week. What a funny morning I should say. I want to start waking up earlier. There's a sort of calm everywhere in the wee hours of the day where being alone is almost a prerequisite. My body, probably due to the cold meds, makes me wake up at weird 5 o'clock, 6 o'clock beats and like a primeval instinct I always look outside. I'm supposing this is peace. Well, for me. I know a lot of people who dread the dawn of an oncoming day, or certain day. The day of reckoning, of judgment, of passing...judgment. Ew.

I'm excited to start my new diet tomorrow. I shouldn't say diet; it's more of a life change. I don't want to put crap in my body anymore, I'd rather successfully have a good route for crap to leave my body ;). I miss my swimmer body, but it's ok. I feel positive about what I'm going to mold and sculpt out of myself. And I feel like I have a good group of friends too who are supportive. Emily and Stef are into being more healthy, and they both look fantastic already. I would have started sooner but this illness had me pinned.

My eye is so red. It's the left one. I look like a demon. I hate it :(

I bought my astronomy book. It's freakin awesome. I am actually excited for this science course. In actuality, I am excited for all my courses. I can already tell this is going to be a much better semester than last semester. So much freer, so much more to look forward to.

K, well I have shit to do. xoxo

Andrea Gibson up nexttt<3

OH GOOD LORD.

MY LEFT EAR POPPED! I CAN HEARRR!

Oh goodness, I don't think I'll ever be grateful enough. I'm so thankful my senses work, no matter how weak. What a revelation to hear again, and to not agitate my neighbors with loud music any more!

Miracle.


xoxo


PS...Nina Simone all day errryy day.

You are the hue's shade.

I place you in a frame of snow, you know? It holds you well; the way your spine meets halfway with a familiarity of gravity that kisses the ground that holds you together, but it is the wit in your walk, the rationale of your calculated step that will have the crowd talking for hours. Will you redden with their chatter, or will you green with your expulsion? To find out such a secret would permit an honor upon me I could barely contain (secrets were my closest friends, my most deadliest enemies). I lay for hours; you will lie for years. I see you as that erratic blue, the one that stains your summer teeth when bushes claw at your naked calves as you scramble through that wilderness of life's bramble trying to find where your squared root is held within the tree's hollow. Walk slow, walk sure but breathe deep; such aromas were never meant to be permanent. And when you laugh, I hear echoes; you don't believe it, but you have been here before, an animal, a beast unknown.

I watch your hands create masterpieces out of molecular formations of the clear kind; I want to laugh as I can see you trying to catch your ideas as the spill out of your mouth like dried beans from a ripped sack. But, I don't. And when you talk, moving and pushing aerosol words and facts and figures, it's like watching you write and imprint something of meaning into permanence. I want to breathe in your books, all of them. I want to absorb your brilliant hue onto my skin and to have it come off in layers like the rituals of some pancake makeup soaked tribe. A lullaby in exchange might be all I can muster; much of what I had lies dormant in some landlocked shell. I have walked in silence for a long time; to speak, to speak! What a sincere delicacy, one that is almost too rich for a tongue like mine. Heaven forgive me, forbid me, should it fall off.

I know not what I do, but I follow what I feel. Tell me I am wrong; tell me I am right. I know not what I am, nor who I could be. I follow the treads of my own two feet; too convinced of my own innocence. I dare you to try me; survive a tempest in heat, and you will know you can do it all.


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

My first successful and pleasant coffee date in a long time. I smile.

:)


I am still sick. A growing concern is starting to consume me. Either I am too stoic, or too stubborn, or too stupid, but I refuse to see the doctor again. I don't mind the cough, the leaky eyes or my throat; I just wish my ears were unblocked. I absolutely cannot hear. I feel as though I had missed some important details.

Am I missing some important details?

I rest now; today was an awfully long and heavy day.

Miike Snow - Plastic Jungle

On the eve of...

My god. Classes start tomorrow. Am I ready? Bah, not at all. Actually, I'm still at home; sniffling away, hungry and totally not packed.

I have delayed this far too long. After I eat, I'm going to go ahead and pack up. I think I'm going to curl my hair up something fierce. I like feeling pretty.

I feel like a lot has changed within me during this break. I am so much happier and at peace with myself. I have learned and accepted that I am an amazing person, and I do not need an outward representation to show that. I do not need the tattoos, the clothes, the make up, the this or that. I got my lip pierced, however, because I wanted to and because I feel it reflects my own taste in body modifications. I can vouch, though, it has gained me some attention. I feel that this is unfair; I shouldn't have to modify my body to gain attention. I have also lost some respect and good standing with strangers, I feel. This is also unfair; do not judge me. I have learned to appreciate this bitter taste, and have learned to look at it from the outside. It's interesting. My mother still hates it.

I can't wait to pummel, squish and smoosh my lovelies. I have missed them all too much. Fo' real.

This break was good. And I am happy with it! The only thing I am not happy with is not completing as much paperwork as I had sought out to do. OH WELL. So the stress begins ;)

I had my tarot cards read a few days ago in Northampton. 50 bucks. I don't regret a penny! It was amazing. I don't know if I believe it, but it was a lot of fun, and it did help clear my head a bit. And it was nice to know that no funerals, hospitals or big troubles coming my way in the near future. YAYYZ!

I'm going to see Wiz Khalifa in February. SO EXCITED. First I have to finish all my internship stuff though. I have a lot of hope invested in that. I really want to get an internship!

OK, I went to the doctor's yesterday. I'm still sick. It's viral. I had to buy 50$ worth of meds. Uhhh man. So hopped up. YUM. Not. If I could live this life again, I'd probably be straight edge. I'm so adamantly against drug usage it's not even funny. I like schmoking weed, no problem. I'm talking about chemicals. I cannot live on false hope, nor false image, so why would I invest so much in false reality? I don't care if people do it, or if they do it around me, but please don't try to suck me into. I feel like beauty is everywhere if you choose to see it, and to live within a false castle of your own construct is not only sad and pathetic but completely destructive. It's good to get away from reality every now and then, but you must face it in order TO LIVE. Drugged up on Mollie or Puma or heroin, that's not living. That's not even DREAMING. It's stalling. How can you live when you are in neutral, stalled in a puddle of your own piss holed pants?

Call me ignorant, call me what you will...but I take comfort in knowing that every molecule that fills up my lungs right now is real, and I can feel it, and I know how I feel towards it. Perhaps this is a result of realizing that when I hooked up with this certain friend, it was all false and falsified due to the fact he was on Mollie. I felt something real; Mollie made him feel something that wasn't real. Oh well. You learn by the scar from being burned, no?

I'm hungry. xoxo