And I was kinda like, FUCK THIS

Wow. Just wow, what a fuckingly EPICly AWFUL time in my life. Seriously, please, everyone, take a seat and laugh. By all means, this is the best part.

So first, let's talk about how I lost a fucking best friend due to her own ridiculous logic. I was supposed to go on a cruise this spring break with Jules, who has been my good friend since like 1st grade. Bitch ends up getting invited to go to MIAMI for FREE, and instead of telling me, I keep all the bookmarks open on my computer waiting for the OK to buy the tickets. I had everything figured out: cruise tickets, bus tickets to NYC, and even cab fare from the NYC Port Authority to the Harbor. And instead of telling me, not only do I feel like a FUCKING FOOL hoping and waiting for this chick to give me the green light, I miss out on making ANY make up plans with other people. I found out BY FACEBOOK. She didn't want to tell me because she didn't want to upset me...SHIT. It's a free trip, by all means GO FOR IT. I wouldn't stand in the middle of that. But no, she waits til i find out to not 'hurt my feelings'. So, guess what I'm doing this spring break? NOTHING. Then there's a whole big mix up with the Wiz Khalifa tickets I bought, she ends up not going and I sell the ticket to her little sister. Just, WTF. Time and time again I put my neck out in the hopes of making people happy only to end up screwed.

Secondly, let's talk about INTERNSHIPS. Did I get the CLPP program? Fuck no, of course not. Why? Because I obviously do not come to PAR with anything I want to do. Same shit with the Polish program last summer, DENIED. Well not DENIED, but restricted access due to financial shit. Goddamn, if only money didn't rule my life. If only I was rich, some sort of happiness could be secured. I must learn to be much more cut throat about that. CASH RULES ERRYTHING ROUND ME.

Thirdly, let's talk about GODDAMN MALES. First of, ya'll are FUCKING NUTS. I give up on securing any type of happiness from 'partners'. Everyone I've encountered so far has either a fucking chip on their shoulder or some sort of shit they have to pull themselves out of. I don't judge, but when it starts to impact our relations and you come out FUCKING CREEPY-- I'm out. Seriously. And again I feel stupid, and I shouldn't because I guess I'm just the strong type. I don't want any relationships with anyone, females included. I just want to fuck now and then.

Seriously, for a month everything was going FINE. We had fun, we hung out and you seemed to dig me. You met my friends, they liked you. And I was fine with what we had. But oh wait, I guess you feel like I was looking for something more? EXCUSE ME, I told you I didn't want a boyfriend and you were the one who was so willing to change your facebook status and incorporate me into whatever semblance of a life you had. FUCK. But oh wait, I'm the one expecting more? What the FUCK? Those were the signals you were sending? I was fine with what it was. And then, you proceed to disrespect me on Friday night, the night I got denied by CLPP, by storming out on me like a child. AND YOU FUCKING MADE ME CRY? Really? I'm so sick of this, I put myself out there in trust and faith that I can put lonesome on the shelf for a bit and BAM. Door closes, end scene. I didn't even get an apology, or an explanation, just 'I need to figure myself out'. Fuck yeah you do. It gets better: I call, out of weakness, and you tell me to 'text' and proceed to hang up. I text. No response. One word: DEUCES.

I don't need SHIT. I need a challenge, not a handicap. The weekend was awful, nonetheless. But you know what, at this point, I can only sit down and laugh. I think that's the only positive I've gained after all these years. I no longer drag out the misery that accompanies these things, I've learned to move on and to take care of me. I have my own work to do on myself, and maybe it'll be nice to be alone for awhile. I don't want to invest in anyone right now who isn't willing to invest in me. I'm sick of being the glue in any of my relations (friendships included), it would be nice to be small and weak here and there. I get tired too. So from now on, I'm just going to be friends, or acquaintances with some physical ties. To be honest, I'm way too weary and dragged out to put myself out there for anyone, any more. Sarah was so right, I have a 'type' and they all are not what I deserve. Again, I need a challenge.

Forget broads; gain capital. I'm going to be coldblooded and cruel. It should be fun. PS, I passed out in my clothes last night...haha all time low? Yes, but it fit the situation haha. I seriously have such a good group of friends. I love em all. They keep me together and take care of me. I'm so appreciative<3


Well, I'm off to do some work I have to do for this week. And try to figure out where I fit in the greater formula of life. I feel like I'm making some sort of concession by conforming to college and the idea of 'normalcy' and 'success'. I guess that's what it takes to play the game. I feel like I'm losing so much of what I believe in, and I'm going to give up so much if I go through with what I have in mind: I might actually decide to go into L.A.W.

I have some soul searching to do.
xoxo xxxo