On the eve of...

My god. Classes start tomorrow. Am I ready? Bah, not at all. Actually, I'm still at home; sniffling away, hungry and totally not packed.

I have delayed this far too long. After I eat, I'm going to go ahead and pack up. I think I'm going to curl my hair up something fierce. I like feeling pretty.

I feel like a lot has changed within me during this break. I am so much happier and at peace with myself. I have learned and accepted that I am an amazing person, and I do not need an outward representation to show that. I do not need the tattoos, the clothes, the make up, the this or that. I got my lip pierced, however, because I wanted to and because I feel it reflects my own taste in body modifications. I can vouch, though, it has gained me some attention. I feel that this is unfair; I shouldn't have to modify my body to gain attention. I have also lost some respect and good standing with strangers, I feel. This is also unfair; do not judge me. I have learned to appreciate this bitter taste, and have learned to look at it from the outside. It's interesting. My mother still hates it.

I can't wait to pummel, squish and smoosh my lovelies. I have missed them all too much. Fo' real.

This break was good. And I am happy with it! The only thing I am not happy with is not completing as much paperwork as I had sought out to do. OH WELL. So the stress begins ;)

I had my tarot cards read a few days ago in Northampton. 50 bucks. I don't regret a penny! It was amazing. I don't know if I believe it, but it was a lot of fun, and it did help clear my head a bit. And it was nice to know that no funerals, hospitals or big troubles coming my way in the near future. YAYYZ!

I'm going to see Wiz Khalifa in February. SO EXCITED. First I have to finish all my internship stuff though. I have a lot of hope invested in that. I really want to get an internship!

OK, I went to the doctor's yesterday. I'm still sick. It's viral. I had to buy 50$ worth of meds. Uhhh man. So hopped up. YUM. Not. If I could live this life again, I'd probably be straight edge. I'm so adamantly against drug usage it's not even funny. I like schmoking weed, no problem. I'm talking about chemicals. I cannot live on false hope, nor false image, so why would I invest so much in false reality? I don't care if people do it, or if they do it around me, but please don't try to suck me into. I feel like beauty is everywhere if you choose to see it, and to live within a false castle of your own construct is not only sad and pathetic but completely destructive. It's good to get away from reality every now and then, but you must face it in order TO LIVE. Drugged up on Mollie or Puma or heroin, that's not living. That's not even DREAMING. It's stalling. How can you live when you are in neutral, stalled in a puddle of your own piss holed pants?

Call me ignorant, call me what you will...but I take comfort in knowing that every molecule that fills up my lungs right now is real, and I can feel it, and I know how I feel towards it. Perhaps this is a result of realizing that when I hooked up with this certain friend, it was all false and falsified due to the fact he was on Mollie. I felt something real; Mollie made him feel something that wasn't real. Oh well. You learn by the scar from being burned, no?

I'm hungry. xoxo