Your signal fades away, and all I'm left with is noise...

Dallas Green is a beautiful man and I would do anything to have him: fact.

Things are a little better. And I've realized the advice is bar advice. I love my little bar friends, no matter how much older they are from me. I get free drinks and awfully nice people to spend time with, a win win kind of deal.

Maybe I messed this up from the beginning. Who knows? I wanted to go slow to make sure my wounds were healed from before, to make sure I was ready so I wouldn't hurt more than one person. I liked you a lot a lot, like a lot! What happened? I dropped from view and from your attention like a dead weight. I can cite my drop in status like a linear history. Perhaps you met someone new, perhaps I just wasn't your type, perhaps you just got tired of me. Either way, I was hurting and could sense some sort of change. And yes, it was fucked of me to message you through a phone, right before your show, right before your trip. I know you'll enjoy it either way because something tells me you won't miss me much.

And yet, I'd love to pick up the phone and say 'Hey'. But I won't. I told you how I felt, what was wrong, and I never really heard anything from you and what you wanted.


Well, enough of that. I'll be sad for awhile. It's just another chip in my foundation for now, along with all the other shit I've been dealing with.

I met with Kevin today to talk about camp. THe stress begins. All I want is for that damned cook, April and family, TO NOT BE THERE THIS YEAR. That's all I want. Seriously.

I start 'The Summer of ME' tomorrow. I really need to hop on my research. I'm getting antsy. I need focus. I need some sort of INSIGHT. I keep asking myself Townsley's question: "What do YOU see? What are you showing us?"

What do I see in hardcore? What is there for me to show you? Oh, lawd. Don't even begin.

I'm going to bed because I'm sad and lonely, but more so tired. Heavy heart, heavy bones, heavy skin. I need to eat more veggies.

xoxo

BLOG FROM THURSDAY; BLOGGER WAS DOWN

The universe can go fuck itself royally. I am so sick and tired of the bad news that seems to stick to me like a second skin. Apparently, my family and I just can’t catch a fucking break. How marvelous.

My aunt is back in the hospital and it doesn’t sound good. Her body, after the hysterectomy and colon removal, is collecting fluids everywhere, even in her lungs. I’m worried and scared. More so for my mother. She’s trying so hard, way too hard in my opinion, to do so much for Beata and her family. She’s an incredible person but she has to realize that she has the power to say ‘No’. Sometimes there will be things she simply cannot do nor find the time to do. She has her fucking MTELS on Saturday and the phone was ringing off the hook with people, mainly family, asking for favors. I know this might sound awful, but, where the fuck were these people when we were struggling/ still are struggling? My mom has to learn to put herself first, not me or Bo or Dad, but herself. It’s not selfish; it’s healthy.

Bo is still bitter and angry about his wounds and the cat. It will take him a while to heal. Dad is in Oregon. Mom is a mess.

And me? Well, I’m just fucked. There is no one here for me, or anything. I’m trying to take my mind off how sad of a situation I’m in. Even the friends I do have in the area don’t fucking invite me anywhere. Seriously, after these last few weeks I would love to go out and not think for a bit. But no. Nothing. No invitations, even after people ask me what I’m doing.

I’m seriously trying really hard to not be negative or bitter, but it’s way easier than faking a smile and pretending like everything is fine. Everything is NOT fine, thanks for caring. Family members are suffering and dying, our stress levels are so high and there’s just new shit to deal with all the time.

I want to run away.

Well, in lieu of trying to be positive, maybe I’ll end up getting a lot done for my thesis anyways? Shit, maybe this whole thesis shit will work out?

Maybe I’ll have something to be proud of.

PS, I found these tips online. Hopefully they help.

1. Never respond when you are not calm. If you are not sure that you are calm, don’t respond. Take time to calm yourself down first.
2. Take a deep breath as a first step to calm yourself down.
3. Speak in gentle tone to reduce the tension of the situation.
4. Realize that you can find opportunities in negative situations. Albert Einstein said: “In the middle of every difficulty lies opportunity.”
5. Look at the content of what people say to you for something positive that you can act upon to improve yourself. Don’t just reject the whole messages.
6. For the rest of the messages which is negative, simply ignore it.
7. Maintain positive view of the people. Maybe you don’t like their messages or behavior, but that doesn’t mean that you can hate them personally.
8. Realize that having negative feelings will just hurt you, not them. So there is no reason for you to have any negative feeling.
9. If you make mistakes, be open to admit it.
10. If you make mistakes, remember this quote by George Bernard Shaw: “A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.”
11. If you can, listen to motivational audio program to feed positive thoughts into your mind.
12. Talk to a positive friend who can encourage you.
13. Remember your favorite quotes to give you inspiration and motivation. This is one reason why you should have quote of the day.
14. Look at the negative situations as your training sessions for real life. The higher you climb in life, the worse the negative situations would be, so you’d better be prepared for them.
15. Realize that you can’t please everyone. In fact, nobody can. Sometimes you need to just let some people go. Realizing this will relieve you from a lot of unnecessary burden so that you can focus on the people that you can positively interact with.

City And Colour -- Boiled Frogs

Secrets

Good things happen to bad people: they are still bad people who happen to have good things. Bad things happen to good people: we are still good people.

This has been a very trying time for me and my family. Figaro went crazy today and attacked everyone because we were puppysitting. Bo had to go to the ER his cuts and welts were so bad. I was a little better, but I still saw the color of my own blood. It was like the scariest thing I have witnessed. My mother screaming, and the cat just going at it. Fear. We were all scared.

Seriously, there is nothing scarier than seeing your hands drenched in your own blood.

Bo is in a state of shock, and I think heartbreak. He love(d) that cat. My mother is drowning in guilt and sauteed the chicken with her tears. She has the MTEL on Saturday. I just want her to be happy.

I have moved back home. Today, actually. And on top of all the family stress in regards to finances, sick family members, my dad, my mom and my future we have Bo and the crazy cat.

I want to cry but I am too numb right now. I wish someone was here. I wish someone offered to come see me, take me for a ride, just fucking talk to me. How sad is it that it's my ex boyfriend is the only one reaching out to me, even after we fight? He's a good kid, but I'm happier without him. He offered to take me on a motorcycle ride soon to help me get my mind off shit. I think that's really kind, even after everything we've been through.

Kindness is really rare. Compassion and caring, even more so.

I feel abandoned by a lot of people. I just have to get used to this because life is always changing, people are always leaving. Somehow, all the exits people take with me are dramatic. And I'm always the one left behind. There are no more pieces to pick up, though, more so I can't pick them up. The pieces, shards of glass, have cut me up something fierce. My own blood on my hands.


This is and will be the summer of Me. I will love myself above all, and before anyone else. I will accomplish my goals and dreams. I am so much more than what people have turned me into, I am so much more than the person you aim to hurt. I am going to grow this summer, no matter the pains. I can't depend on people, or trust them, but I can depend and trust on me.


Peace and love.

THRREEE

I'm watching the Celtics v. Miami right now. Boston leads with 38, 2nd quarter. We finally won a game on Saturday. I watched it in Cambridge with my very good friend Jenna and her roommates. We downed a huge pitcher of white sangria (DELICIOUS) and drank all night afterwards. I love the neighborhood she lives in in East Cambridge. I might even like it a bit more than Boston or Allston. All in all it was a wonderful weekend!


I finished my AMS paper and went to bed at like 5. Thank god that it's over.

On Saturday, before driving to Jennerss<3, I went to a family function celebrating Ami's Communion. It was nice to see my family because all of the recent traumatic events that hit us out of nowhere. Even more so, it was nice to see everyone come together. My Aunt Eva and Ola did not show up, which was really rude. BUT, apparently drama is unavoidable.

I had a good time laughing and drinking with my mom. She's a doll.

Well, it's come to the end. I just need to edit my English paper and start packing up and move out. I have to get my plan together for the summer. My aunt wants me to visit her in Chicago in either late May/ early June. I'm working at the camp in July. I want to go see my baby girl Emily in Jersey for her birthday. Overall I'm feeling good for the summer :)

Boston 42, Miami 37. HOLLLAAA

It feels good to get that last post off my chest. I caught you in a lie, and I hope you all feel stupid. It's okay. Whatever. Rich kids will only ever truly get rich kids. Marx was right, it's a class thing. I just don't relate to what it must feel like to never having to wear your heart on your sleeve, or carrying family burdens like a crux. Whatever, enjoy your golden life while I'll be busy trying to build mine. You are fake, pretentious, nauseating and just negative energy. You all were great to have around during the good times and for fun, but when shit hits the fan or when I represent too much reality for you all, deuces. Fine. Suck a turd.

I need to work on my paper. Like for real. It's due Friday and I have a lot to do on it.

I keep getting this panicky stressed feeling where all I want to do is run away and masturbate. Ahhhh! No. I need to focus. I just need to focus and get shit done. One step before the other. Thank god Bob gave me a bag of 300 lollipops because at the rate I'm going at I'll need at least 50 a day. It's my thing.

Anyways, I had a great night tonight helping Bob film a project for his class. After wards we all went to Panera and got food and just dropped jokes. It was nice. And it was so nice to see Emily so happy. It was definitely an awesome study break.


MY GOALS FOR TONIGHT:
Finish my cst proposal
Finish organizing my paper
Write 3 to 5 pages on my paper
Take my makeup off, brush my teeth and bed

GOALS FOR TOMORROW:
Wake up at 7/8
Breakfast
Work on my paper til 1:30
(get to at least 8 or 12 pages)
Pick up Bo at 2:00 for his interview
Bring him to interview
Dinner @ home
Finish and edit paper
Email it to Melissa
Bed

GOALS FOR FRIDAY:
Wake up 7/8
Breakfast
Readings
Shower
Meet at Thirsty Mind @ 9:30
Work @ 11:30
Work 12 to 6
Create outline for English paper
Start packing (?)

GOALS FOR SATURDAY/SUNDAY:
Wake at 8
Gym
Shower/ Get ready for Family Party
Pack for Boston
Go to Family party
Go to Boston
Get Wasted<3
Come Home Sunday
Work on English Paper

GOALS FOR MONDAY:
Work on English paper/
Finish english Paper
Pack

GOALS FOR TUESDAY:
PACK, GO HOME


There it is folks. My whole finals schedule. I just gotta stay motivated now.

FUCK THE CLASS OF 2011.

SERIOUSLY, YOU ALL ARE FUCKING BITERS AND ASSHOLES. WORST FRIENDS EVER.

I WOULD NEVER TREAT YOU SO COLDLY LIKE THAT. I HAVE TRIED TO INTEGRATE YOU INTO MY LIFE, INVITED YOU PLACES, GIVEN YOU THINGS AND LOVED YOU.

FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU. I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO SAY GOOD BYE, LET'S SEE IF YOU ACTUALLY NOTICE. I AM SICK OF TEXTING YOU ALL THE TIME AND YOU TELLING ME YOU'RE BUSY, TO ACTUALLY FIND OUT YOU'VE BEEN HANGING OUT WITH EVERYONE ELSE. PHOTOS, BITCH.

ALSO, SHE'S A FUCKING SOCIAL CLIMBER. SHE COLLECTS PEOPLE. YOU DON'T THINK SHE'S USING YOU?

AND "YOU", I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOUR PROBLEM IS, BUT I GUESS YOU DIDN'T LIKE THE FACT THAT I QUESTIONED YOUR FUCKING AUTHORITY ON JUDGING MY LIFE. HAH.

GTFO. THE SOONER THE BETTER.

Her Morning Elegance / Oren Lavie

meh

I am silent, cold and speak in black and white tones like
those movies you watch with your grandparents
to learn what it feels like to be feel old.
Dreams in moral virtues and hues of baby blues,
the way you read me, man, you read me just right
with text scrolling in yellow glints across my face.
I am perfectly made in the image of some god
with curled curls and pearly whites adorned with jeweled crowns
and long trimmed nails. The pictures never looked as glorious or
felt as smooth as that long practiced red lipped kiss on a white
stained wall.
But now we stand woven and teased out like the louse that has taken
shelter in that eyebrow follicle that twitches when you laugh.
Glamor, baby, you have it all, and I can only stare and drool
in the anticipation that time will have you moving towards me,
looking, staring, comparing...
You held my heart strained against the cracked porcelain
mane of the beast you sold your records to
Tip tapping the change in your pocket, so hard to beat
figuring I'd keep quiet the harder you'd squeeze.
You had me hello and now you've left me with no goodbye
like the sale of some used pantyhose drawn in at the seams,
too tight to breathe.
Dressed like the doll you had painted me to be, I
walk, I talk like some dead cadaver knowing the jokes
you had trained me to believe. I live for this.
I die for this.
Your voice hisses from the train as the whistles clang and bang
my hands against the grate leaving me behind
perfectly poised for the meeting of friends,
but you are no friend,
but a coming of news, and a poor soul with even slower aim,
And I take pity, pity, pity
Over every drawled out word thinking the chapter draws nigh
to an end, a place to begin, restart, befriend.
My heel is broken, cracked skin runs red, and the blues of my
thighs to the yellows on my ribs turn purple upon
my asking, like an invitation to play, or more so,
a demand to invent, to hide, to circumvent.
give me a deal, man, you read me so well.



It's easier when this stuff just crawls out of the woodwork, you know? I need to do this more often as it's like meditation and release. Feels good to put words to work.

Last day of classes tomorrow! I had sushi tonight, and it was wonderful, as it always is. I have a ton to do. I have to put the pedal to the metal, literally.

History is linear

Osama is dead; the world is ending.

This act has more implications and complications than anyone can truly know.

History is a linear movement; it is the 'winners' progression. Whose story are we telling? Whose story are we forgetting.

So much has been lost, this can never be considered a win.