We did in*Touch interviews today. Everyone was really good, some better than others. Unfortunately, we had to turn away a friend of mine :/ I had to do it, I almost cried.
I was so stressed today I didn't eat much, if anything. I don't remember. I'm going to be so happy the moment this PPH talk is done and over with. It's mad stressful. I have so much going on, I don't know how to make heads or tails of it. One step at a time, one step at a time.
I need a good cuddle sesh ;)
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
It's a good kinda thing
Damn, I hate getting my period. Not just because of the physical act of actually getting a period, but the emotional ride the little fucker takes me on. I went from being all mopey and depressed to almost touching nirvana and tucking into cloud 9. fack.
But, I guess that's what 5 episodes of Arrested Development and a peanut butter cup sundae can do to ya :) I'm really glad I took the night off. I might regret it come tomorrow and my massive list of things to do, but I'm happy.
I'm also happy because I saw an old foe's facebook. They look happy. And you know what, I'm happy for them. They accomplished what they wanted, and that means a lot to me, no matter if we got along in high school or not. I'm happy for them. I really am, its weird. I guess I was always jealous of their drive, something I hungered for and was always empty on. It's an issue I'm dealing with still, but goddamn, it's so refreshing to see someone be so alive. They chase dreams; I only dream them. I realize I have grown up under the illusion that good things should be put off until necessary things and the 'formula' are complete. Well, I say fuck that. I shouldn't have to wait to be happy, or to do what I want. Things happen all the time, right? Good and bad; why can't I also work towards getting what I want?
I feel constantly chased by this big hand of time, I might as well start running.
I want to count. I want to start making things count. I count.
But, I guess that's what 5 episodes of Arrested Development and a peanut butter cup sundae can do to ya :) I'm really glad I took the night off. I might regret it come tomorrow and my massive list of things to do, but I'm happy.
I'm also happy because I saw an old foe's facebook. They look happy. And you know what, I'm happy for them. They accomplished what they wanted, and that means a lot to me, no matter if we got along in high school or not. I'm happy for them. I really am, its weird. I guess I was always jealous of their drive, something I hungered for and was always empty on. It's an issue I'm dealing with still, but goddamn, it's so refreshing to see someone be so alive. They chase dreams; I only dream them. I realize I have grown up under the illusion that good things should be put off until necessary things and the 'formula' are complete. Well, I say fuck that. I shouldn't have to wait to be happy, or to do what I want. Things happen all the time, right? Good and bad; why can't I also work towards getting what I want?
I feel constantly chased by this big hand of time, I might as well start running.
I want to count. I want to start making things count. I count.
Monday, March 21, 2011
What lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why
What lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why,
I have forgotten, and what arms have lain
Under my head till morning; but the rain
Is full of ghosts tonight, that tap and sigh
Upon the glass and listen for reply,
And in my heart there stirs a quiet pain
For unremembered lads that not again
Will turn to me at midnight with a cry.
Thus in the winter stands the lonely tree,
Nor knows what birds have vanished one by one,
Yet knows its boughs more silent than before:
I cannot say what loves have come and gone,
I only know that summer sang in me
A little while, that in me sings no more.
OH MAH GADDD. I am so not motivated. I want to do absolutely nothing. FUCK. I have so much to do though. Conundrum.
I'm exhausted as well. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm such a mess.
OH MAH GADDD. I am so not motivated. I want to do absolutely nothing. FUCK. I have so much to do though. Conundrum.
I'm exhausted as well. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm such a mess.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
:/
I keep thinking about Zack, about how I didn't see him off. I'm such a weak person. In these situations I feel like I can do nothing right. I think of his last days; him getting lost in the house/forgetting where he was and who we were, his blindness, his weakness, his loss of everything. I heard mom say on the phone she still wakes up 2-3 times a night expecting him to be by her bed like he always did to let her know he had to go outside. I too, somehow always expect him to be in the corner of the room, perking his head up when I open the door to come in.
I miss you bud, and I'm sorry. The last 16 years wouldn't have been the same without you. You were a wonderful member in our family. I wish I did more.
I'm still at home, writing my midterm. It's due Tuesday. I'm using Simone de Beauvoir's The Second Sex to dissect Spitboy's "What are Little Girls Made of?". Interesting indeed. I'm a page in, only need 3-4 more. However, I'm kinda sad. All this new radio music I downloaded keeps me going, and it keeps me pumped. I would like to go dancing this week/weekend. It would be such an amazing release!
Anyways, I plan on a late night. I want to get a lot done in order to avoid late nights later on in the week. Like a bandaid, just one tug tonight and I should be in the clear. After looking at my schedule and due dates, I'm not in as big a hole as I thought I was. Imma be okkkkk.
K....I'm off to feminism and DIY '90s hardcore. Cute.
I miss you bud, and I'm sorry. The last 16 years wouldn't have been the same without you. You were a wonderful member in our family. I wish I did more.
I'm still at home, writing my midterm. It's due Tuesday. I'm using Simone de Beauvoir's The Second Sex to dissect Spitboy's "What are Little Girls Made of?". Interesting indeed. I'm a page in, only need 3-4 more. However, I'm kinda sad. All this new radio music I downloaded keeps me going, and it keeps me pumped. I would like to go dancing this week/weekend. It would be such an amazing release!
Anyways, I plan on a late night. I want to get a lot done in order to avoid late nights later on in the week. Like a bandaid, just one tug tonight and I should be in the clear. After looking at my schedule and due dates, I'm not in as big a hole as I thought I was. Imma be okkkkk.
K....I'm off to feminism and DIY '90s hardcore. Cute.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Another rant...
Sorry. I just have to rant again, haha. I love this blog because it's like therapy to me, you know? Once I say it here, I usually let it go, or through my mundane texts can see what went wrong/how to fix it. Bear with me, mmmkay?
1. HYPOCRITS.
OMG. It would be so easy to call you out and put you on blast. And I totally should. The last two times I saw you you were on some sort of fucking chemical or hard substance. Ecstasy, cocaine? BAH. And yet you have the nerve to write that you're annoyed with 'people who don't know how to have fun without being inebriated' and that you're taking a hike. First of all, you're full of shit. You always take part in this holier than thou enlightened stance where the life you live is SO REAL, SO AMAZING, SO 'IT'. You claim to be a vegan, but I myself have caught you eating shit you shouldn't have. You also claim you do it for your health AND YET you continue to get smashed and to roll on whatever the fuck else you deal at least 5 times a week. You're a fucking mess. It would have been so easy, and it was so tempting, to get at you, but I realized it was petty. So instead, I'm going to stew on it here, poop it out and move on. But still, kid, your ignorance and your arrogance never ceases to amaze me. Fuck, weren't you the one who invited me to Green Eggs and Kegs? BAH. Get the fuck outta here.
2. FAKE-NESS.
For this purpose, the word exists. God, I am so sick and tired of dealing with materialistic assholes. Don't get me wrong, I love spending money when I have it as much as the next person, but damn. Don't you people have real goals and dream and aspirations? All it is is money with you people! And it doesn't end there...the constant flaunting too, damn it makes me SICK. And sometimes it's not just money, but the flaunting of gathered cultural capital. And it's not like a proud flaunting, it's a flaunting that resembles a dog marking territory, or gaining some kind of upper hand in a duel. Just no. I can't wait to leave you suckers. GET OOOOTT.
3. FACEBOOK SUCKS
I seriously hate facebook. I try to limit myself, but it is hard. I mean, the information you gain is so accesible and easy. But still, it sucks up my time, patience and motivation. I always end up feeling sorry for myself because of it. I look at other people's fantastic lives, friends, good times, bodies, etc and I get sad and sometimes feel so unaccomplished. When this mood hits, it even passes into times when my friends communicate with me. I start to hate hearing other people's good news. I get bitter, I get cold. I don't know, maybe I focus too much on my bad news? However, looking back, all I have had this month is bad news to share. From failure to abandon to rejection to tough decisions, nothing but shit. The longer I stay off facebook, the happier I can and will be.
Speaking of bad news, my spring break was absolutely awful.
1. Still bitter about the Julianna thing, I couldn't help but feel angry over the situation she put me in. In a way, it's partly her fault I ended up doing nothing for spring break. Bitch.
2. I spent 660 dollars on new tires. FUCK. However, they are amazing and they provide a great ride.
3. I HAVE SO MUCH HOMEWORK. FUCK PROFESSORS GIVING WORK OVER BREAK, SERIOUSLY, FUCK YOU.
4. I have keratitis in my eyes. It's a viral (not herpes!) infection where I basically have chronic bloodshot eyes. It's from my contacts. Boo. I can't wear contacts for awhile and my eye doctor is a total dick and a half. I hate him and his stupid gray ponytail.
5. On Thursday, we put Zackie down. He was 16 years old. :( I get really sad when I think about it and I get this lump in my throat. I don't think anyone really gets it. Some people tried the sympathy thing but it only made me angrier because it felt so forced and contrived and in a way unbelievable. Other dog oweners knew what to say :/ Whenever I enter the house I expect to see his pathetic little body curled up in his miserable basket in the corner of the living room, and not seeing it kills me. I couldn't cry in front of my mom, I had to be strong for her, and I was. She said she feels better about it. I do and I don't. We got Zack at the same time my brother was born. I thought we got them at the same place, and always vouched to return Bo (lol, jk). I'll miss him. RIP ZACK.
6. My interviewees are douches. Fuck sociology.
7. I'm so stressed over the work that is due this upcoming week. I feel so lost/ behind/ disorganized.
8. Alienation by friends. Faaaccckk.
9. Japan :(
10. RADIATION !!!! :(
My mom is watching The Breakfast Club. Cute. I'm going to go and complete more things on my to do list and figure out if I'm going to Boston tomorrow or not. FACCCk.
I just want to read and cuddle.
xoxo
1. HYPOCRITS.
OMG. It would be so easy to call you out and put you on blast. And I totally should. The last two times I saw you you were on some sort of fucking chemical or hard substance. Ecstasy, cocaine? BAH. And yet you have the nerve to write that you're annoyed with 'people who don't know how to have fun without being inebriated' and that you're taking a hike. First of all, you're full of shit. You always take part in this holier than thou enlightened stance where the life you live is SO REAL, SO AMAZING, SO 'IT'. You claim to be a vegan, but I myself have caught you eating shit you shouldn't have. You also claim you do it for your health AND YET you continue to get smashed and to roll on whatever the fuck else you deal at least 5 times a week. You're a fucking mess. It would have been so easy, and it was so tempting, to get at you, but I realized it was petty. So instead, I'm going to stew on it here, poop it out and move on. But still, kid, your ignorance and your arrogance never ceases to amaze me. Fuck, weren't you the one who invited me to Green Eggs and Kegs? BAH. Get the fuck outta here.
2. FAKE-NESS.
For this purpose, the word exists. God, I am so sick and tired of dealing with materialistic assholes. Don't get me wrong, I love spending money when I have it as much as the next person, but damn. Don't you people have real goals and dream and aspirations? All it is is money with you people! And it doesn't end there...the constant flaunting too, damn it makes me SICK. And sometimes it's not just money, but the flaunting of gathered cultural capital. And it's not like a proud flaunting, it's a flaunting that resembles a dog marking territory, or gaining some kind of upper hand in a duel. Just no. I can't wait to leave you suckers. GET OOOOTT.
3. FACEBOOK SUCKS
I seriously hate facebook. I try to limit myself, but it is hard. I mean, the information you gain is so accesible and easy. But still, it sucks up my time, patience and motivation. I always end up feeling sorry for myself because of it. I look at other people's fantastic lives, friends, good times, bodies, etc and I get sad and sometimes feel so unaccomplished. When this mood hits, it even passes into times when my friends communicate with me. I start to hate hearing other people's good news. I get bitter, I get cold. I don't know, maybe I focus too much on my bad news? However, looking back, all I have had this month is bad news to share. From failure to abandon to rejection to tough decisions, nothing but shit. The longer I stay off facebook, the happier I can and will be.
Speaking of bad news, my spring break was absolutely awful.
1. Still bitter about the Julianna thing, I couldn't help but feel angry over the situation she put me in. In a way, it's partly her fault I ended up doing nothing for spring break. Bitch.
2. I spent 660 dollars on new tires. FUCK. However, they are amazing and they provide a great ride.
3. I HAVE SO MUCH HOMEWORK. FUCK PROFESSORS GIVING WORK OVER BREAK, SERIOUSLY, FUCK YOU.
4. I have keratitis in my eyes. It's a viral (not herpes!) infection where I basically have chronic bloodshot eyes. It's from my contacts. Boo. I can't wear contacts for awhile and my eye doctor is a total dick and a half. I hate him and his stupid gray ponytail.
5. On Thursday, we put Zackie down. He was 16 years old. :( I get really sad when I think about it and I get this lump in my throat. I don't think anyone really gets it. Some people tried the sympathy thing but it only made me angrier because it felt so forced and contrived and in a way unbelievable. Other dog oweners knew what to say :/ Whenever I enter the house I expect to see his pathetic little body curled up in his miserable basket in the corner of the living room, and not seeing it kills me. I couldn't cry in front of my mom, I had to be strong for her, and I was. She said she feels better about it. I do and I don't. We got Zack at the same time my brother was born. I thought we got them at the same place, and always vouched to return Bo (lol, jk). I'll miss him. RIP ZACK.
6. My interviewees are douches. Fuck sociology.
7. I'm so stressed over the work that is due this upcoming week. I feel so lost/ behind/ disorganized.
8. Alienation by friends. Faaaccckk.
9. Japan :(
10. RADIATION !!!! :(
My mom is watching The Breakfast Club. Cute. I'm going to go and complete more things on my to do list and figure out if I'm going to Boston tomorrow or not. FACCCk.
I just want to read and cuddle.
xoxo
Monday, March 14, 2011
Metal sounds, like a can scratching a fork
It's the Monday of Spring Break, and yes, I am doing nothing. It's a bit disappointing and numbing. I suppose I'll get over it.
Things have been calm lately, except life in the house. Bo is always causing some kind of trouble. It's that 16 kinda thing, ya know, just that restlessness. I am kinda like that now, only instead of dropping my mother's phone into my fish Lucifer's tank, I silently scream inside my head WHY THE FUCK AM I NOT DOING ANYTHING RIGHT NOW? Oh, yes, I got a fish. Bo was with me and I asked him what I should name him, and he, of course goes, "Lucifer. Duh." Ok brother, Lucifer it is (Luci for short). He's a Siamese Fighting fish and I think he's absolutely gorgeous; he is a grayish white with a blood red color running from his body into his huge fins. He's quite a big fish. I needed something to love.
By the way, I spent $660 on tires. Continental Extreme Contact DWS tires. I get a free Flip Video Camera. Awesome? Sure. However, my pockets hurt a lot. The ride is much better though with the tires bringing on a smooth, quiet and well equipped ride I haven't experienced in awhile. My tires were old (4 yrs) and the right passenger one (the one that eats potholes) had a bubble. Joy.
Anyways, back to Spring Break. It's not that I don't have anything to do, I have plenty of HOMEWORK. It's awesome....no. In fact, as I write this, I have my astronomy assignment up. Hah. So much for adventure.
I am also going to see the eye doctor. These eye infections are ridiculous. I only get them after I wear contacts. My brother has the same problem. I am sick of the red, itchy, watery feeling the day after I decide to wear them. Fucking a.
Tomorrow I'm supposed to interview particpant #2. I'm excited. I still need to get in contact with one of them, and the other has kinda been avoiding me. Not ok.
I went to the movies last night to see Battle for Los Angeles...twas ok. Very action packed but very ehh for how it was put together. However, it made me sad at a few events.
K, well I'm going to go draw a sunspot grid. K cool.
PS- Found and bought a rare Spitboy/ Los Crudos vinyl. :)
xoxox
Tentative to do list:
HOMEWORK:
astronomy (sunspot grid) homework
Astronomy Lab Scorpius Constellation
Sociology interviews
transcribe interviews
project research (hepdige, pop culture, etc)
AMS reading- Glam Rock
AMS research (Blush, Am. HxC, etc, Spitboy)
English- Midterm paper on applied theory
ETC:
hair cut/color
bank
scholarships
PPH panel discussion and publicity
dentist/ eye doctor
Things will probably be added.
Things have been calm lately, except life in the house. Bo is always causing some kind of trouble. It's that 16 kinda thing, ya know, just that restlessness. I am kinda like that now, only instead of dropping my mother's phone into my fish Lucifer's tank, I silently scream inside my head WHY THE FUCK AM I NOT DOING ANYTHING RIGHT NOW? Oh, yes, I got a fish. Bo was with me and I asked him what I should name him, and he, of course goes, "Lucifer. Duh." Ok brother, Lucifer it is (Luci for short). He's a Siamese Fighting fish and I think he's absolutely gorgeous; he is a grayish white with a blood red color running from his body into his huge fins. He's quite a big fish. I needed something to love.
By the way, I spent $660 on tires. Continental Extreme Contact DWS tires. I get a free Flip Video Camera. Awesome? Sure. However, my pockets hurt a lot. The ride is much better though with the tires bringing on a smooth, quiet and well equipped ride I haven't experienced in awhile. My tires were old (4 yrs) and the right passenger one (the one that eats potholes) had a bubble. Joy.
Anyways, back to Spring Break. It's not that I don't have anything to do, I have plenty of HOMEWORK. It's awesome....no. In fact, as I write this, I have my astronomy assignment up. Hah. So much for adventure.
I am also going to see the eye doctor. These eye infections are ridiculous. I only get them after I wear contacts. My brother has the same problem. I am sick of the red, itchy, watery feeling the day after I decide to wear them. Fucking a.
Tomorrow I'm supposed to interview particpant #2. I'm excited. I still need to get in contact with one of them, and the other has kinda been avoiding me. Not ok.
I went to the movies last night to see Battle for Los Angeles...twas ok. Very action packed but very ehh for how it was put together. However, it made me sad at a few events.
K, well I'm going to go draw a sunspot grid. K cool.
PS- Found and bought a rare Spitboy/ Los Crudos vinyl. :)
xoxox
Tentative to do list:
HOMEWORK:
astronomy (sunspot grid) homework
Astronomy Lab Scorpius Constellation
Sociology interviews
transcribe interviews
project research (hepdige, pop culture, etc)
AMS reading- Glam Rock
AMS research (Blush, Am. HxC, etc, Spitboy)
English- Midterm paper on applied theory
ETC:
hair cut/color
bank
scholarships
PPH panel discussion and publicity
dentist/ eye doctor
Things will probably be added.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Are they gray or blue?
Oh man. I spent three hours this evening using a wicked cool telescope to look at the sky. AMAZING. Why didn't I get into astronomy? That shit is so fantastically cool it's unreal. I saw Andromeda, M3, M83, Polaris, the Cigar Galaxy and Orion. So cool. The views were small, of course, but you could see the 'fuzzies', which were galaxy and star clusters and cosmic clouds. So cool. It was worth being frozen to the bone.
I've gotten nothing but good news all day about my project regarding Planned Parenthood. Things get better when more effort and passion is invested, I noticed. Good; I'm glad. It seems like it's going to be a good event too. April 6th, 7:30 in Gamble, a panel on PPH sponsored by in*Touch. This is actually a really big deal for me. GO BIG OR GO HOME.
However, I won't lie, Mondays run me into the ground. Today I had class from 11 to 1215 and I was freaking out because I thought we had a quiz. The quiz is on Wednesday (PHEW). Then I had to rush to the Health Center to get Safe Break tabling stuff and I tabled at Blanchard ALONE til 1:40ish. Then I ran to my dorm, made some calls and emails in regards to my project, ran back to Blanchard for my cochair meeting at 3, visited Student Programs to get the OK for my project, emailed more people again, ran to MacGregor for CST dinner (only me and the other student liasons + Karen showed), and drove to the Observatory and risked getting a ticket for parking in a commuter spot lol, then 3 hours were spent in the cold observing the skies. Phew. My back hurts. Tomorrow is just as bad: wake at 7, read and breakfast, 930 leave for Smith, 1030 Soc class til 11:50, drive back to MHC, lunch at 12:30ish in Mac alone probably reading more, seminar from 115 to 405, try to make the Ethiopian Jewish event, dinner?, go to intouch meeting at 530 til 7, and then write my midterm paper. Not going to the gym is killing me ha. Oh well, Wednesday will be so much better. I'm looking forward to Wednesday 1:30 pm.
Also, on Wednesday I'm interviewing my first participant for my sociology project on hardcore! I'm excited! He's been real nice and he's cute. AND HE'S JEWISH! Hah. I'm planning my second interview during the weekend if and when I go to Boston. Then my other two during Spring break. CHYEAH.
Alright, I need to go to bed. I'm tired and stressed. The busier I keep, the less I dwell on my miseries, which is good.
xoxox
I've gotten nothing but good news all day about my project regarding Planned Parenthood. Things get better when more effort and passion is invested, I noticed. Good; I'm glad. It seems like it's going to be a good event too. April 6th, 7:30 in Gamble, a panel on PPH sponsored by in*Touch. This is actually a really big deal for me. GO BIG OR GO HOME.
However, I won't lie, Mondays run me into the ground. Today I had class from 11 to 1215 and I was freaking out because I thought we had a quiz. The quiz is on Wednesday (PHEW). Then I had to rush to the Health Center to get Safe Break tabling stuff and I tabled at Blanchard ALONE til 1:40ish. Then I ran to my dorm, made some calls and emails in regards to my project, ran back to Blanchard for my cochair meeting at 3, visited Student Programs to get the OK for my project, emailed more people again, ran to MacGregor for CST dinner (only me and the other student liasons + Karen showed), and drove to the Observatory and risked getting a ticket for parking in a commuter spot lol, then 3 hours were spent in the cold observing the skies. Phew. My back hurts. Tomorrow is just as bad: wake at 7, read and breakfast, 930 leave for Smith, 1030 Soc class til 11:50, drive back to MHC, lunch at 12:30ish in Mac alone probably reading more, seminar from 115 to 405, try to make the Ethiopian Jewish event, dinner?, go to intouch meeting at 530 til 7, and then write my midterm paper. Not going to the gym is killing me ha. Oh well, Wednesday will be so much better. I'm looking forward to Wednesday 1:30 pm.
Also, on Wednesday I'm interviewing my first participant for my sociology project on hardcore! I'm excited! He's been real nice and he's cute. AND HE'S JEWISH! Hah. I'm planning my second interview during the weekend if and when I go to Boston. Then my other two during Spring break. CHYEAH.
Alright, I need to go to bed. I'm tired and stressed. The busier I keep, the less I dwell on my miseries, which is good.
xoxox
Sunday, March 6, 2011
And I was kinda like, FUCK THIS
Wow. Just wow, what a fuckingly EPICly AWFUL time in my life. Seriously, please, everyone, take a seat and laugh. By all means, this is the best part.
So first, let's talk about how I lost a fucking best friend due to her own ridiculous logic. I was supposed to go on a cruise this spring break with Jules, who has been my good friend since like 1st grade. Bitch ends up getting invited to go to MIAMI for FREE, and instead of telling me, I keep all the bookmarks open on my computer waiting for the OK to buy the tickets. I had everything figured out: cruise tickets, bus tickets to NYC, and even cab fare from the NYC Port Authority to the Harbor. And instead of telling me, not only do I feel like a FUCKING FOOL hoping and waiting for this chick to give me the green light, I miss out on making ANY make up plans with other people. I found out BY FACEBOOK. She didn't want to tell me because she didn't want to upset me...SHIT. It's a free trip, by all means GO FOR IT. I wouldn't stand in the middle of that. But no, she waits til i find out to not 'hurt my feelings'. So, guess what I'm doing this spring break? NOTHING. Then there's a whole big mix up with the Wiz Khalifa tickets I bought, she ends up not going and I sell the ticket to her little sister. Just, WTF. Time and time again I put my neck out in the hopes of making people happy only to end up screwed.
Secondly, let's talk about INTERNSHIPS. Did I get the CLPP program? Fuck no, of course not. Why? Because I obviously do not come to PAR with anything I want to do. Same shit with the Polish program last summer, DENIED. Well not DENIED, but restricted access due to financial shit. Goddamn, if only money didn't rule my life. If only I was rich, some sort of happiness could be secured. I must learn to be much more cut throat about that. CASH RULES ERRYTHING ROUND ME.
Thirdly, let's talk about GODDAMN MALES. First of, ya'll are FUCKING NUTS. I give up on securing any type of happiness from 'partners'. Everyone I've encountered so far has either a fucking chip on their shoulder or some sort of shit they have to pull themselves out of. I don't judge, but when it starts to impact our relations and you come out FUCKING CREEPY-- I'm out. Seriously. And again I feel stupid, and I shouldn't because I guess I'm just the strong type. I don't want any relationships with anyone, females included. I just want to fuck now and then.
Seriously, for a month everything was going FINE. We had fun, we hung out and you seemed to dig me. You met my friends, they liked you. And I was fine with what we had. But oh wait, I guess you feel like I was looking for something more? EXCUSE ME, I told you I didn't want a boyfriend and you were the one who was so willing to change your facebook status and incorporate me into whatever semblance of a life you had. FUCK. But oh wait, I'm the one expecting more? What the FUCK? Those were the signals you were sending? I was fine with what it was. And then, you proceed to disrespect me on Friday night, the night I got denied by CLPP, by storming out on me like a child. AND YOU FUCKING MADE ME CRY? Really? I'm so sick of this, I put myself out there in trust and faith that I can put lonesome on the shelf for a bit and BAM. Door closes, end scene. I didn't even get an apology, or an explanation, just 'I need to figure myself out'. Fuck yeah you do. It gets better: I call, out of weakness, and you tell me to 'text' and proceed to hang up. I text. No response. One word: DEUCES.
I don't need SHIT. I need a challenge, not a handicap. The weekend was awful, nonetheless. But you know what, at this point, I can only sit down and laugh. I think that's the only positive I've gained after all these years. I no longer drag out the misery that accompanies these things, I've learned to move on and to take care of me. I have my own work to do on myself, and maybe it'll be nice to be alone for awhile. I don't want to invest in anyone right now who isn't willing to invest in me. I'm sick of being the glue in any of my relations (friendships included), it would be nice to be small and weak here and there. I get tired too. So from now on, I'm just going to be friends, or acquaintances with some physical ties. To be honest, I'm way too weary and dragged out to put myself out there for anyone, any more. Sarah was so right, I have a 'type' and they all are not what I deserve. Again, I need a challenge.
Forget broads; gain capital. I'm going to be coldblooded and cruel. It should be fun. PS, I passed out in my clothes last night...haha all time low? Yes, but it fit the situation haha. I seriously have such a good group of friends. I love em all. They keep me together and take care of me. I'm so appreciative<3
Well, I'm off to do some work I have to do for this week. And try to figure out where I fit in the greater formula of life. I feel like I'm making some sort of concession by conforming to college and the idea of 'normalcy' and 'success'. I guess that's what it takes to play the game. I feel like I'm losing so much of what I believe in, and I'm going to give up so much if I go through with what I have in mind: I might actually decide to go into L.A.W.
I have some soul searching to do.
xoxo xxxo
So first, let's talk about how I lost a fucking best friend due to her own ridiculous logic. I was supposed to go on a cruise this spring break with Jules, who has been my good friend since like 1st grade. Bitch ends up getting invited to go to MIAMI for FREE, and instead of telling me, I keep all the bookmarks open on my computer waiting for the OK to buy the tickets. I had everything figured out: cruise tickets, bus tickets to NYC, and even cab fare from the NYC Port Authority to the Harbor. And instead of telling me, not only do I feel like a FUCKING FOOL hoping and waiting for this chick to give me the green light, I miss out on making ANY make up plans with other people. I found out BY FACEBOOK. She didn't want to tell me because she didn't want to upset me...SHIT. It's a free trip, by all means GO FOR IT. I wouldn't stand in the middle of that. But no, she waits til i find out to not 'hurt my feelings'. So, guess what I'm doing this spring break? NOTHING. Then there's a whole big mix up with the Wiz Khalifa tickets I bought, she ends up not going and I sell the ticket to her little sister. Just, WTF. Time and time again I put my neck out in the hopes of making people happy only to end up screwed.
Secondly, let's talk about INTERNSHIPS. Did I get the CLPP program? Fuck no, of course not. Why? Because I obviously do not come to PAR with anything I want to do. Same shit with the Polish program last summer, DENIED. Well not DENIED, but restricted access due to financial shit. Goddamn, if only money didn't rule my life. If only I was rich, some sort of happiness could be secured. I must learn to be much more cut throat about that. CASH RULES ERRYTHING ROUND ME.
Thirdly, let's talk about GODDAMN MALES. First of, ya'll are FUCKING NUTS. I give up on securing any type of happiness from 'partners'. Everyone I've encountered so far has either a fucking chip on their shoulder or some sort of shit they have to pull themselves out of. I don't judge, but when it starts to impact our relations and you come out FUCKING CREEPY-- I'm out. Seriously. And again I feel stupid, and I shouldn't because I guess I'm just the strong type. I don't want any relationships with anyone, females included. I just want to fuck now and then.
Seriously, for a month everything was going FINE. We had fun, we hung out and you seemed to dig me. You met my friends, they liked you. And I was fine with what we had. But oh wait, I guess you feel like I was looking for something more? EXCUSE ME, I told you I didn't want a boyfriend and you were the one who was so willing to change your facebook status and incorporate me into whatever semblance of a life you had. FUCK. But oh wait, I'm the one expecting more? What the FUCK? Those were the signals you were sending? I was fine with what it was. And then, you proceed to disrespect me on Friday night, the night I got denied by CLPP, by storming out on me like a child. AND YOU FUCKING MADE ME CRY? Really? I'm so sick of this, I put myself out there in trust and faith that I can put lonesome on the shelf for a bit and BAM. Door closes, end scene. I didn't even get an apology, or an explanation, just 'I need to figure myself out'. Fuck yeah you do. It gets better: I call, out of weakness, and you tell me to 'text' and proceed to hang up. I text. No response. One word: DEUCES.
I don't need SHIT. I need a challenge, not a handicap. The weekend was awful, nonetheless. But you know what, at this point, I can only sit down and laugh. I think that's the only positive I've gained after all these years. I no longer drag out the misery that accompanies these things, I've learned to move on and to take care of me. I have my own work to do on myself, and maybe it'll be nice to be alone for awhile. I don't want to invest in anyone right now who isn't willing to invest in me. I'm sick of being the glue in any of my relations (friendships included), it would be nice to be small and weak here and there. I get tired too. So from now on, I'm just going to be friends, or acquaintances with some physical ties. To be honest, I'm way too weary and dragged out to put myself out there for anyone, any more. Sarah was so right, I have a 'type' and they all are not what I deserve. Again, I need a challenge.
Forget broads; gain capital. I'm going to be coldblooded and cruel. It should be fun. PS, I passed out in my clothes last night...haha all time low? Yes, but it fit the situation haha. I seriously have such a good group of friends. I love em all. They keep me together and take care of me. I'm so appreciative<3
Well, I'm off to do some work I have to do for this week. And try to figure out where I fit in the greater formula of life. I feel like I'm making some sort of concession by conforming to college and the idea of 'normalcy' and 'success'. I guess that's what it takes to play the game. I feel like I'm losing so much of what I believe in, and I'm going to give up so much if I go through with what I have in mind: I might actually decide to go into L.A.W.
I have some soul searching to do.
xoxo xxxo
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