Egypt is on fire. Like a hound, I can smell the blood churning and boiling. They want a Revolution. My, my, my, what a cost.
What a rough day. I'd love nothing more than to have classes canceled tomorrow. It hasn't even been a week yet, but there is something dragging me down. I love my classes, and I am excited for my seminar tomorrow. Seriously, what a good semester class wise, but...I don't know.
I'm a grumpy pants probably because I am sick. Also, because I have realized maybe my formula is wrong. Either way, I give up. I will not place effort into things that should be effortless. I love you more than a sister, and I hate how you keep telling me you only see me as a sister, a 'little sister'. I wish things were different and I wish you weren't in love with your girlfriend. I wish I had taken action our first year of meeting, but I didn't know! However, it's not a sexual love, but a possessive one nonetheless. Pursue me! I hate always being the one to ask you to meals and events. I hate being the sumissive one. I just want to curl up next to you guiltless and blissful. No sex, no nothing, just sleep. Ahh, pfft. I will mend my time plugging the holes you have left within me with people, places and times. History, a story of the past, moves forward. Even crawling, I am moving.
I am tired, and worn out. This weekend has left me torn and ruined. I don't regret it, but I am only as strong as I believe I am. Belief and faith are running out, quickly.
I'd like to be weak, just once. I'd like to be carried, just once. I don't want sad stories with sadder endings, I don't want your tears, your fears, your scars and burns. You all are greedy, your hands upon me as though a feast; and yet you all avoid the scars littering my skin from the constant cutting disappointment that accompanies EVERYTHING. I barter, but still bleed. I'd like to be weak, just once.
The only idea that entertains me is from taking astronomy this semester. Looking at the universe, the idea that wherever you are, where I am, has an incredibly small chance of having ever occurred. What I am doing now, the clothes I wear, what I type on, what I say, and feel, the fact that I just AM...it's too overwhelming to explain. I like that.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Dilly dally
I spend so much time in a world and place other than the one I am really in. My mind needs a leash as I find it all over the place. Perhaps that's what my mother means when she says I need to start walking on the ground more.
What a funny week. What a funny morning I should say. I want to start waking up earlier. There's a sort of calm everywhere in the wee hours of the day where being alone is almost a prerequisite. My body, probably due to the cold meds, makes me wake up at weird 5 o'clock, 6 o'clock beats and like a primeval instinct I always look outside. I'm supposing this is peace. Well, for me. I know a lot of people who dread the dawn of an oncoming day, or certain day. The day of reckoning, of judgment, of passing...judgment. Ew.
I'm excited to start my new diet tomorrow. I shouldn't say diet; it's more of a life change. I don't want to put crap in my body anymore, I'd rather successfully have a good route for crap to leave my body ;). I miss my swimmer body, but it's ok. I feel positive about what I'm going to mold and sculpt out of myself. And I feel like I have a good group of friends too who are supportive. Emily and Stef are into being more healthy, and they both look fantastic already. I would have started sooner but this illness had me pinned.
My eye is so red. It's the left one. I look like a demon. I hate it :(
I bought my astronomy book. It's freakin awesome. I am actually excited for this science course. In actuality, I am excited for all my courses. I can already tell this is going to be a much better semester than last semester. So much freer, so much more to look forward to.
K, well I have shit to do. xoxo
Andrea Gibson up nexttt<3
What a funny week. What a funny morning I should say. I want to start waking up earlier. There's a sort of calm everywhere in the wee hours of the day where being alone is almost a prerequisite. My body, probably due to the cold meds, makes me wake up at weird 5 o'clock, 6 o'clock beats and like a primeval instinct I always look outside. I'm supposing this is peace. Well, for me. I know a lot of people who dread the dawn of an oncoming day, or certain day. The day of reckoning, of judgment, of passing...judgment. Ew.
I'm excited to start my new diet tomorrow. I shouldn't say diet; it's more of a life change. I don't want to put crap in my body anymore, I'd rather successfully have a good route for crap to leave my body ;). I miss my swimmer body, but it's ok. I feel positive about what I'm going to mold and sculpt out of myself. And I feel like I have a good group of friends too who are supportive. Emily and Stef are into being more healthy, and they both look fantastic already. I would have started sooner but this illness had me pinned.
My eye is so red. It's the left one. I look like a demon. I hate it :(
I bought my astronomy book. It's freakin awesome. I am actually excited for this science course. In actuality, I am excited for all my courses. I can already tell this is going to be a much better semester than last semester. So much freer, so much more to look forward to.
K, well I have shit to do. xoxo
Andrea Gibson up nexttt<3
Saturday, January 29, 2011
OH GOOD LORD.
MY LEFT EAR POPPED! I CAN HEARRR!
Oh goodness, I don't think I'll ever be grateful enough. I'm so thankful my senses work, no matter how weak. What a revelation to hear again, and to not agitate my neighbors with loud music any more!
Miracle.
xoxo
PS...Nina Simone all day errryy day.
Oh goodness, I don't think I'll ever be grateful enough. I'm so thankful my senses work, no matter how weak. What a revelation to hear again, and to not agitate my neighbors with loud music any more!
Miracle.
xoxo
PS...Nina Simone all day errryy day.
Friday, January 28, 2011
You are the hue's shade.
I place you in a frame of snow, you know? It holds you well; the way your spine meets halfway with a familiarity of gravity that kisses the ground that holds you together, but it is the wit in your walk, the rationale of your calculated step that will have the crowd talking for hours. Will you redden with their chatter, or will you green with your expulsion? To find out such a secret would permit an honor upon me I could barely contain (secrets were my closest friends, my most deadliest enemies). I lay for hours; you will lie for years. I see you as that erratic blue, the one that stains your summer teeth when bushes claw at your naked calves as you scramble through that wilderness of life's bramble trying to find where your squared root is held within the tree's hollow. Walk slow, walk sure but breathe deep; such aromas were never meant to be permanent. And when you laugh, I hear echoes; you don't believe it, but you have been here before, an animal, a beast unknown.
I watch your hands create masterpieces out of molecular formations of the clear kind; I want to laugh as I can see you trying to catch your ideas as the spill out of your mouth like dried beans from a ripped sack. But, I don't. And when you talk, moving and pushing aerosol words and facts and figures, it's like watching you write and imprint something of meaning into permanence. I want to breathe in your books, all of them. I want to absorb your brilliant hue onto my skin and to have it come off in layers like the rituals of some pancake makeup soaked tribe. A lullaby in exchange might be all I can muster; much of what I had lies dormant in some landlocked shell. I have walked in silence for a long time; to speak, to speak! What a sincere delicacy, one that is almost too rich for a tongue like mine. Heaven forgive me, forbid me, should it fall off.
I know not what I do, but I follow what I feel. Tell me I am wrong; tell me I am right. I know not what I am, nor who I could be. I follow the treads of my own two feet; too convinced of my own innocence. I dare you to try me; survive a tempest in heat, and you will know you can do it all.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
My first successful and pleasant coffee date in a long time. I smile.
:)
I am still sick. A growing concern is starting to consume me. Either I am too stoic, or too stubborn, or too stupid, but I refuse to see the doctor again. I don't mind the cough, the leaky eyes or my throat; I just wish my ears were unblocked. I absolutely cannot hear. I feel as though I had missed some important details.
Am I missing some important details?
I rest now; today was an awfully long and heavy day.
I watch your hands create masterpieces out of molecular formations of the clear kind; I want to laugh as I can see you trying to catch your ideas as the spill out of your mouth like dried beans from a ripped sack. But, I don't. And when you talk, moving and pushing aerosol words and facts and figures, it's like watching you write and imprint something of meaning into permanence. I want to breathe in your books, all of them. I want to absorb your brilliant hue onto my skin and to have it come off in layers like the rituals of some pancake makeup soaked tribe. A lullaby in exchange might be all I can muster; much of what I had lies dormant in some landlocked shell. I have walked in silence for a long time; to speak, to speak! What a sincere delicacy, one that is almost too rich for a tongue like mine. Heaven forgive me, forbid me, should it fall off.
I know not what I do, but I follow what I feel. Tell me I am wrong; tell me I am right. I know not what I am, nor who I could be. I follow the treads of my own two feet; too convinced of my own innocence. I dare you to try me; survive a tempest in heat, and you will know you can do it all.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
My first successful and pleasant coffee date in a long time. I smile.
:)
I am still sick. A growing concern is starting to consume me. Either I am too stoic, or too stubborn, or too stupid, but I refuse to see the doctor again. I don't mind the cough, the leaky eyes or my throat; I just wish my ears were unblocked. I absolutely cannot hear. I feel as though I had missed some important details.
Am I missing some important details?
I rest now; today was an awfully long and heavy day.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
On the eve of...
My god. Classes start tomorrow. Am I ready? Bah, not at all. Actually, I'm still at home; sniffling away, hungry and totally not packed.
I have delayed this far too long. After I eat, I'm going to go ahead and pack up. I think I'm going to curl my hair up something fierce. I like feeling pretty.
I feel like a lot has changed within me during this break. I am so much happier and at peace with myself. I have learned and accepted that I am an amazing person, and I do not need an outward representation to show that. I do not need the tattoos, the clothes, the make up, the this or that. I got my lip pierced, however, because I wanted to and because I feel it reflects my own taste in body modifications. I can vouch, though, it has gained me some attention. I feel that this is unfair; I shouldn't have to modify my body to gain attention. I have also lost some respect and good standing with strangers, I feel. This is also unfair; do not judge me. I have learned to appreciate this bitter taste, and have learned to look at it from the outside. It's interesting. My mother still hates it.
I can't wait to pummel, squish and smoosh my lovelies. I have missed them all too much. Fo' real.
This break was good. And I am happy with it! The only thing I am not happy with is not completing as much paperwork as I had sought out to do. OH WELL. So the stress begins ;)
I had my tarot cards read a few days ago in Northampton. 50 bucks. I don't regret a penny! It was amazing. I don't know if I believe it, but it was a lot of fun, and it did help clear my head a bit. And it was nice to know that no funerals, hospitals or big troubles coming my way in the near future. YAYYZ!
I'm going to see Wiz Khalifa in February. SO EXCITED. First I have to finish all my internship stuff though. I have a lot of hope invested in that. I really want to get an internship!
OK, I went to the doctor's yesterday. I'm still sick. It's viral. I had to buy 50$ worth of meds. Uhhh man. So hopped up. YUM. Not. If I could live this life again, I'd probably be straight edge. I'm so adamantly against drug usage it's not even funny. I like schmoking weed, no problem. I'm talking about chemicals. I cannot live on false hope, nor false image, so why would I invest so much in false reality? I don't care if people do it, or if they do it around me, but please don't try to suck me into. I feel like beauty is everywhere if you choose to see it, and to live within a false castle of your own construct is not only sad and pathetic but completely destructive. It's good to get away from reality every now and then, but you must face it in order TO LIVE. Drugged up on Mollie or Puma or heroin, that's not living. That's not even DREAMING. It's stalling. How can you live when you are in neutral, stalled in a puddle of your own piss holed pants?
Call me ignorant, call me what you will...but I take comfort in knowing that every molecule that fills up my lungs right now is real, and I can feel it, and I know how I feel towards it. Perhaps this is a result of realizing that when I hooked up with this certain friend, it was all false and falsified due to the fact he was on Mollie. I felt something real; Mollie made him feel something that wasn't real. Oh well. You learn by the scar from being burned, no?
I'm hungry. xoxo
I have delayed this far too long. After I eat, I'm going to go ahead and pack up. I think I'm going to curl my hair up something fierce. I like feeling pretty.
I feel like a lot has changed within me during this break. I am so much happier and at peace with myself. I have learned and accepted that I am an amazing person, and I do not need an outward representation to show that. I do not need the tattoos, the clothes, the make up, the this or that. I got my lip pierced, however, because I wanted to and because I feel it reflects my own taste in body modifications. I can vouch, though, it has gained me some attention. I feel that this is unfair; I shouldn't have to modify my body to gain attention. I have also lost some respect and good standing with strangers, I feel. This is also unfair; do not judge me. I have learned to appreciate this bitter taste, and have learned to look at it from the outside. It's interesting. My mother still hates it.
I can't wait to pummel, squish and smoosh my lovelies. I have missed them all too much. Fo' real.
This break was good. And I am happy with it! The only thing I am not happy with is not completing as much paperwork as I had sought out to do. OH WELL. So the stress begins ;)
I had my tarot cards read a few days ago in Northampton. 50 bucks. I don't regret a penny! It was amazing. I don't know if I believe it, but it was a lot of fun, and it did help clear my head a bit. And it was nice to know that no funerals, hospitals or big troubles coming my way in the near future. YAYYZ!
I'm going to see Wiz Khalifa in February. SO EXCITED. First I have to finish all my internship stuff though. I have a lot of hope invested in that. I really want to get an internship!
OK, I went to the doctor's yesterday. I'm still sick. It's viral. I had to buy 50$ worth of meds. Uhhh man. So hopped up. YUM. Not. If I could live this life again, I'd probably be straight edge. I'm so adamantly against drug usage it's not even funny. I like schmoking weed, no problem. I'm talking about chemicals. I cannot live on false hope, nor false image, so why would I invest so much in false reality? I don't care if people do it, or if they do it around me, but please don't try to suck me into. I feel like beauty is everywhere if you choose to see it, and to live within a false castle of your own construct is not only sad and pathetic but completely destructive. It's good to get away from reality every now and then, but you must face it in order TO LIVE. Drugged up on Mollie or Puma or heroin, that's not living. That's not even DREAMING. It's stalling. How can you live when you are in neutral, stalled in a puddle of your own piss holed pants?
Call me ignorant, call me what you will...but I take comfort in knowing that every molecule that fills up my lungs right now is real, and I can feel it, and I know how I feel towards it. Perhaps this is a result of realizing that when I hooked up with this certain friend, it was all false and falsified due to the fact he was on Mollie. I felt something real; Mollie made him feel something that wasn't real. Oh well. You learn by the scar from being burned, no?
I'm hungry. xoxo
Monday, January 17, 2011
New kicks, new beats, new life
I made a new fucking facebook. What the fuccck. That kid must be making a killing, and the therapists don't even need to invest in the new fuckups that are going to develop out of this shit. Fo real. There should be a facebook how to book soon.
Anyways, I went to Boston this weekend and it was ARRSOMEE. Got schwastty, ran around Boston and loved ittt all. I love that fucking city to pieces. Got some fresh ass kicks.
I have lost my voice. It sucks. I think I'm going to cave soon and go to the doctors. This is not ok. I wake up coughing and it's just awful mannn.
Speaking of man, I really can't stand this 'enlightenment' trend people are taking up. SO HYPOCRITICAL. Don't even get me started. I hate hippies...the end! But I guess life is what you make of it, so go ahead whateverr. Those values you uphold? Yeah, you're actually doing the opposite.
Awee shit. I feel awful, so crummy. I'm like choking on air. Perhaps this is it for me? WHOMP.
Where's the world's smallest violin, hmm?
Anyways, I went to Boston this weekend and it was ARRSOMEE. Got schwastty, ran around Boston and loved ittt all. I love that fucking city to pieces. Got some fresh ass kicks.
I have lost my voice. It sucks. I think I'm going to cave soon and go to the doctors. This is not ok. I wake up coughing and it's just awful mannn.
Speaking of man, I really can't stand this 'enlightenment' trend people are taking up. SO HYPOCRITICAL. Don't even get me started. I hate hippies...the end! But I guess life is what you make of it, so go ahead whateverr. Those values you uphold? Yeah, you're actually doing the opposite.
Awee shit. I feel awful, so crummy. I'm like choking on air. Perhaps this is it for me? WHOMP.
Where's the world's smallest violin, hmm?
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Honey, please
I love to drink tea with a teaspoon of honey. Especially when my throat is as raw as a skinned pelt. Ohhh baby.
I dropped that memory course and I all at once love/regret the decision. It's nice to relax, but I keep putting off things I need to do and get done.
I am scared I'm going to get bitter and hateful again. But, if I hold on strong I'll be fine.
I'm also sick and tired of acting like it's okay that all these people keep texting me for sex, naked pictures, 'shows' and whatnot. In a way it's my fault, I have provided a lax screening of my expectations. All I fucking want is respect, homie. And I'm not getting it. I want someone to legit ask me out for coffee. Am I too easy? Or insatiable? Ugh.
I'm going to go drink my tea, work out and drive to Mount Holyoke. Stupid basketball game. I don't even get paid. LAME.
I will not allow this day to get 'lame'.
Bye.
I dropped that memory course and I all at once love/regret the decision. It's nice to relax, but I keep putting off things I need to do and get done.
I am scared I'm going to get bitter and hateful again. But, if I hold on strong I'll be fine.
I'm also sick and tired of acting like it's okay that all these people keep texting me for sex, naked pictures, 'shows' and whatnot. In a way it's my fault, I have provided a lax screening of my expectations. All I fucking want is respect, homie. And I'm not getting it. I want someone to legit ask me out for coffee. Am I too easy? Or insatiable? Ugh.
I'm going to go drink my tea, work out and drive to Mount Holyoke. Stupid basketball game. I don't even get paid. LAME.
I will not allow this day to get 'lame'.
Bye.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
I will show you fear in a handful of dust....
The museums must be full at this point. Nothing but old corpses of memories and acts, aged paper and broken voice recordings. Cemetaries, keepers of ghosts. Brittle, old and frayed, we hold on to things in a hopes of finding definition and redemption. We are explained by history: we are who they are, were. The museums must be full at this point. Bones in boxes, and pieces in jars; all we are are a series of collections and numerical catalogs. I will try to find myself in Tut's tibula, but it is the sawed tooth of the brontosaurus that I find relation to. Clutter, my mind is it's own museum. I hold on to the sweet phrases everyone utters, as though replaying them will change history, change who I am. Knowing and not knowing, I hope to find truth, but take salvage in lies. I am my own monster; maybe I'd rather not know, a brush and a microscope in hand; examine every strand, every piece you know. Maybe I'd rather not be shown on exhibit; the childrens' hands stain the Plexi glass window and I am sore from being pinned and glued into every motion I have ever regretted. But I like it this way, a spectacle and feat, a thing to awe at and coo, "I came from that?" Vindictive and repetitive, I am Napoleon's plume and St. Joan's lock, run children, run.
I must go on standing.
The dust settles. It will conquer all. Eventually, yes, but it will be match to the death. When the match hits the tinder, just let it catch, let it burn. Let the bones crackle, let the paper ash, let the victories and acts disappear. The museum will burn, and with that, I will be free again.
Fear the ancient, fear the past, it is nothing but a lie. A story told by the war's winner. Burn the museum; the truth will be free.
I do this tango where I take two steps forward and three back. It's interesting. Sometimes its three forward, two back. Depends on the day. The pattern is more like walking in circles. I'll get it somehow. I just have to. Two weeks til classes start. I am anxious and sad; anxious to make a good impression and start and sad that I will barely have any tales to bring back with me. I have become one of my fears: a bore. I never wanted to lead a life like this, however I am grateful. Two legs, two arms and two eyes, I will get somewhere.
Here's to revival!
xoxo
I must go on standing.
The dust settles. It will conquer all. Eventually, yes, but it will be match to the death. When the match hits the tinder, just let it catch, let it burn. Let the bones crackle, let the paper ash, let the victories and acts disappear. The museum will burn, and with that, I will be free again.
Fear the ancient, fear the past, it is nothing but a lie. A story told by the war's winner. Burn the museum; the truth will be free.
I do this tango where I take two steps forward and three back. It's interesting. Sometimes its three forward, two back. Depends on the day. The pattern is more like walking in circles. I'll get it somehow. I just have to. Two weeks til classes start. I am anxious and sad; anxious to make a good impression and start and sad that I will barely have any tales to bring back with me. I have become one of my fears: a bore. I never wanted to lead a life like this, however I am grateful. Two legs, two arms and two eyes, I will get somewhere.
Here's to revival!
xoxo
Friday, January 7, 2011
Drinkin' lover's spit
I tell myself not to be so hard on myself. Guilt was never a good shade for me. But I can't help but blame myself for all the things spinning in my head. I have dug my own grave, and I am certain of it. My fear of silence has provoked a persecution for speech. I have grown not bold, but cowardly, looking inward for the sanctity of some deeper meaning. Nothing is what it's supposed to be.
I was too eager. Too eager to please. Too eager to gain. Too eager to have. To speak. Let me speak. But again, the grave is warmer than I thought it could be. Tell me, should I spin a ladder out of the fine silk of tales I tell, or strengthen the noose? My, oh my, my tongue has traveled more than my feet.
And the snow outside reminds me of some purification rite, something I can't complete. But I will lay under the lamplight and let it wash over me, cover me. Perhaps my manifesto will come to life then, but should I speak it, I would damn it. The shapes on the streets grow old and morph into welcoming embraces. If only, if only.
Too eager. What do I have to prove? A broken tooth and a nailed eye, one by one the senses dry and I will lie lie lie. Under lamplight. In false embraces of cold discontent. I have created this, and only I can live by it. Destroy me first, but let the dream live out it's purpose, framed so neatly in the pinpoints of broken snowstars. Frozen tears of the people I have loved and who have gone away,
please don't be ashamed.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I have a lot of thinking to do. Purge. Let go. Live.
I am tempted to open the windows and scream, but everything silences me.
I will never take your promises. Anyone's for that matter.
You have lost the right to examine my life.
Why the fuck am I crying.
I was too eager. Too eager to please. Too eager to gain. Too eager to have. To speak. Let me speak. But again, the grave is warmer than I thought it could be. Tell me, should I spin a ladder out of the fine silk of tales I tell, or strengthen the noose? My, oh my, my tongue has traveled more than my feet.
And the snow outside reminds me of some purification rite, something I can't complete. But I will lay under the lamplight and let it wash over me, cover me. Perhaps my manifesto will come to life then, but should I speak it, I would damn it. The shapes on the streets grow old and morph into welcoming embraces. If only, if only.
Too eager. What do I have to prove? A broken tooth and a nailed eye, one by one the senses dry and I will lie lie lie. Under lamplight. In false embraces of cold discontent. I have created this, and only I can live by it. Destroy me first, but let the dream live out it's purpose, framed so neatly in the pinpoints of broken snowstars. Frozen tears of the people I have loved and who have gone away,
please don't be ashamed.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I have a lot of thinking to do. Purge. Let go. Live.
I am tempted to open the windows and scream, but everything silences me.
I will never take your promises. Anyone's for that matter.
You have lost the right to examine my life.
Why the fuck am I crying.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
She said, Look Ma, no hands
FUCK. YOU.
It just feels so good to say that. Maybe I don't really need revenge. This tit for tat game is fucking stupid. You treated me like shit, and right now I'm eating shit out of your hand. WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH MY GAME?? Damn, all that sentimental shit has taken the hard out of me.
Well, this ends here, now, tonight. Meaning, I'mma wake up Stone Cold Steve Austin style LIKE A BOSS. I hate this trapped animal feeling. I don't need you, I don't need them, I don't need anybody but the people I love, and I can only count them on one hand, sometimes two. You're not one of those fingers, but I'd gladly show you one.
You're so goddamn fake too. I don't need any more of these 'fair weather' friends in my life; or more accurately, you get at me when your life is standing still. I've weeded most of that shit out of my life.
Ps, talk is cheap. You have something to say about everything. Fucking do it already! Stop telling me over and over like you're bragging, just fucking do it. Jesus.
Plus, I think I got fucking pink eye. Stop farting in my eye asshole.
I AM GOING TO BED PISSED NOW...like a boss.
But I'll wake up stronger. Everyday is proof of that.
<3
It just feels so good to say that. Maybe I don't really need revenge. This tit for tat game is fucking stupid. You treated me like shit, and right now I'm eating shit out of your hand. WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH MY GAME?? Damn, all that sentimental shit has taken the hard out of me.
Well, this ends here, now, tonight. Meaning, I'mma wake up Stone Cold Steve Austin style LIKE A BOSS. I hate this trapped animal feeling. I don't need you, I don't need them, I don't need anybody but the people I love, and I can only count them on one hand, sometimes two. You're not one of those fingers, but I'd gladly show you one.
You're so goddamn fake too. I don't need any more of these 'fair weather' friends in my life; or more accurately, you get at me when your life is standing still. I've weeded most of that shit out of my life.
Ps, talk is cheap. You have something to say about everything. Fucking do it already! Stop telling me over and over like you're bragging, just fucking do it. Jesus.
Plus, I think I got fucking pink eye. Stop farting in my eye asshole.
I AM GOING TO BED PISSED NOW...like a boss.
But I'll wake up stronger. Everyday is proof of that.
<3
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
No Date
Fuck that shit, he's a fucking creeper.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Self involved and self inflicted, don't
you understand your words get under my skin?
Might as well just fucking wear me, the newest
spring fashion making my toes and tip o' the tongue tingle
with tulips springing outta my spine like cancerous
growths on the lips of landlocked lovers.
i always loved the sea.
It's like one o'clock in the morning,
but I have two things I really need to say
only it keeps gnawing at the gaping maw like
some sort of sign, or better yet, prophecy.
just let me say it.
I'm so sick and tired of hearing about other
people's agendas, like I'm the twelve o'clock meeting
rescheduled for four, but shit there goes my trust again
lining the velvet pockets of smiling chesire cats who
always seem so goddamn happy.
i always wanted to be happy.
Your words bury me whole like some sort of slow motion
avalanche I had been warned of years before, but like
some dumb struck leper I leap into
the folds of the conundrum only to be swallowed
gulped, inhaled like some small fact by the brain.
you pick amongst the ashes of my bones some
sort of trinket to take home, some sort of prize.
Am I really worth remembering, or just something to look
back onto?
i wish time would fold onto itself.
take this, take all of it, don't you know?
I made this for you. So have it.
I gave up on this route a long time ago, but trust me,
it's so much easier now because I can call myself crazy
and they'll all believe it.
Skin me alive and puppet the muscles left into some sort
of useful figure, like the storyteller, or the dreamer,
better yet, some dirty assed schemer.
i've left vanity and pride on the bedside table,
and look at me now, the hole has swallowed my stomach
whole, hole.
I am nothing special, you say, you act, you show.
And yet, I feel like I can show you the world.
Well, wear my skin, and it's my world.
No date. He was weird. I just couldn't do it. He was ridiculous. That's ok. I didn't really care much. I just thought it was cute at first. Then it got weird.
Jules and I are going on a cruise, and I've realized, I am only somewhat happy when I have something to look forward to.
And yet, I am all the more scared of looking forward as well.
1:27am, what a reoccurring time in my life. Must be my muse time.
Night.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Self involved and self inflicted, don't
you understand your words get under my skin?
Might as well just fucking wear me, the newest
spring fashion making my toes and tip o' the tongue tingle
with tulips springing outta my spine like cancerous
growths on the lips of landlocked lovers.
i always loved the sea.
It's like one o'clock in the morning,
but I have two things I really need to say
only it keeps gnawing at the gaping maw like
some sort of sign, or better yet, prophecy.
just let me say it.
I'm so sick and tired of hearing about other
people's agendas, like I'm the twelve o'clock meeting
rescheduled for four, but shit there goes my trust again
lining the velvet pockets of smiling chesire cats who
always seem so goddamn happy.
i always wanted to be happy.
Your words bury me whole like some sort of slow motion
avalanche I had been warned of years before, but like
some dumb struck leper I leap into
the folds of the conundrum only to be swallowed
gulped, inhaled like some small fact by the brain.
you pick amongst the ashes of my bones some
sort of trinket to take home, some sort of prize.
Am I really worth remembering, or just something to look
back onto?
i wish time would fold onto itself.
take this, take all of it, don't you know?
I made this for you. So have it.
I gave up on this route a long time ago, but trust me,
it's so much easier now because I can call myself crazy
and they'll all believe it.
Skin me alive and puppet the muscles left into some sort
of useful figure, like the storyteller, or the dreamer,
better yet, some dirty assed schemer.
i've left vanity and pride on the bedside table,
and look at me now, the hole has swallowed my stomach
whole, hole.
I am nothing special, you say, you act, you show.
And yet, I feel like I can show you the world.
Well, wear my skin, and it's my world.
No date. He was weird. I just couldn't do it. He was ridiculous. That's ok. I didn't really care much. I just thought it was cute at first. Then it got weird.
Jules and I are going on a cruise, and I've realized, I am only somewhat happy when I have something to look forward to.
And yet, I am all the more scared of looking forward as well.
1:27am, what a reoccurring time in my life. Must be my muse time.
Night.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
You seem chill?
So I'm trying to flirt, no big deal. I have a secret, but anyways, it has resulted in me meeting new people and now I'm trying to hook in this one girl, and some guys. Keep it cool, keep it cool.
OH MY GOD. IT'S 2011!!! Yayyy! I spent the New Years with my girl Emily. Cool, calm and collected. I love that girl. She is bomb and seriously one of the most genuine people ever. I'm so glad she's in my life. I hope she stays there. She also has a special thing going on. I'm so excited for her as she deserves it and I hope it's friggin wonderful.
PS, I'm really wondering how swiss cheese like your brain is. Did you not get any of my texts before? Or the big finale text? Then you ask me to cuddle. I don't know. I don't fucking get it dude. It's like you have a radar for when I'm finally on my way you butt back into my life. Make a choice, seriously. STOP FUCKING WITH ME. Just fuck me, that's all.
Anyways, I love Emily and her aunt and her fam in general. I can't get over what a great weekend I had with them. I really did.
Crazy huh.
I also decided I love taking the bus. I took the bus all summer in Croatia and I love it. I loved driving from Atlantic City to NYC to Springfield. I loved seeing all the cities and the people. Traffic, pssh, no biggie. We drove through Harlem. That was the first time I had ever been inside New York. I know, I'm sheltered in a way. I want to live there so bad. I want to travel so bad. I want to live on a bus! And drive through everything. Maybe get out once in awhile...but!, I want to go go go.
Now I've tired myself out. I wish I was cuddling into someone right now as I deal with the anxiety of tomorrow. I always overexcite myself for nothing. Tomorrow begins my Jterm 2011 experience, and it's just a dinky two credit course but I'm like PUMPED for it. It's on memory and why we forget. I think I'm going to start a regiment of good habits tomorrow, like waking up and working out and stuff.
Well, I'm off then. Happy NEW YEAR!!! Time to fucking livemylife!!!! <3
OH MY GOD. IT'S 2011!!! Yayyy! I spent the New Years with my girl Emily. Cool, calm and collected. I love that girl. She is bomb and seriously one of the most genuine people ever. I'm so glad she's in my life. I hope she stays there. She also has a special thing going on. I'm so excited for her as she deserves it and I hope it's friggin wonderful.
PS, I'm really wondering how swiss cheese like your brain is. Did you not get any of my texts before? Or the big finale text? Then you ask me to cuddle. I don't know. I don't fucking get it dude. It's like you have a radar for when I'm finally on my way you butt back into my life. Make a choice, seriously. STOP FUCKING WITH ME. Just fuck me, that's all.
Anyways, I love Emily and her aunt and her fam in general. I can't get over what a great weekend I had with them. I really did.
Crazy huh.
I also decided I love taking the bus. I took the bus all summer in Croatia and I love it. I loved driving from Atlantic City to NYC to Springfield. I loved seeing all the cities and the people. Traffic, pssh, no biggie. We drove through Harlem. That was the first time I had ever been inside New York. I know, I'm sheltered in a way. I want to live there so bad. I want to travel so bad. I want to live on a bus! And drive through everything. Maybe get out once in awhile...but!, I want to go go go.
Now I've tired myself out. I wish I was cuddling into someone right now as I deal with the anxiety of tomorrow. I always overexcite myself for nothing. Tomorrow begins my Jterm 2011 experience, and it's just a dinky two credit course but I'm like PUMPED for it. It's on memory and why we forget. I think I'm going to start a regiment of good habits tomorrow, like waking up and working out and stuff.
Well, I'm off then. Happy NEW YEAR!!! Time to fucking livemylife!!!! <3
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