What the hell do apologies mean anyway? I don't get it. Usually you apologize if you did something 'wrong' or caused harm- riiiiggghhhttt? So please, if you can't make it to my party- don't apologize. Seriously, stfu. Just RSVP no. I hate looking at the facebook event wall and seeing all these apologies. This is my twisted, perverted theory but I think most people apologize and are apologizing because they know they screwed up with me. Big time. Oh well.

So. Tomorrow is the last day of exams. And I have yet to do my Russian language exam and my 8-10 paper on the Neil Simon play (Last of the Red Hot Lovers). People told me I should be shitting my pants. But I'm not. Is that weird? It might be. Why am I not concerned though? Well tonight I made my study guide and my outline for my paper. I'm focusing on the sexual revolution and Neil Simon's take on it- thus the play.

So I have this book as one of my sources- Make Love Not War- which is basically a whole history on the Sexual Revolution and it's different facets. I consider myself a very sexual being, and yet, when I read some of the stories in that book- it makes me question how 'liberal' I am and what liberal even means. Those two decades completely debunk marriage and monogamy. Sure, I know a lot of people who shiver at my racy stories and experiences, but these same people preach for 'free love' and polyamory. Perhaps how sexual you are doesn't note how sexualized you want to become? Or how sexual you are doesn't influence your thoughts on sexuality? This is probably true- but...that's not my issue here. My issue is that- I think I'm against polyamory.

(hold for gasps from the hipster crazy liberal audience)

Yes, people, I think I may be what is considered 'conservative' in that aspect. However- I don't agree with Neil Simon at all. He was just having a midlife crisis and was totally jealous he wasn't neck deep in pussy. Anyways- I mean, I'm being really open minded about it- it could be I've internalized some aspect about society that makes me think this way, but- I don't know. A lot of revolutionaries argue there is nothing beautiful about sex- it's all animal, all instinct. And there is no point in monogamy- no point in these sexual mores we consider the norm and as rules. (See this part freaks me out because STIs are so big now because of the lack of contraception used this time frame. OUCH OUCH OUCH!)

But, this is where I get sappy, I think sex is a beautiful thing. And if polyamory is your thing go for it. As we evolve, I believe sex evolves. It is not a purely animal and instinctual thing- aren't we the only animals- besides dolphins and some rare tropical chipmunks or something- that have sex for the pure notion of pleasure? Of course it's instinct- but it's something more. It has to be.

From the puke slobbering jock who wants to bust his load on some biddy, to the hooker doing it for quick cash, to the man buying the girl/boy drinks at the bar- there is another motive. It's the connection- literally and figuratively. For those few minutes or few hours (if you're lucky) you are not alone- and loneliness is plague for our society that detriments the spirit. Sex feels great, tastes great, smells great (ew sometimes) and is great- but it is the connection that ultimately drives us.

When I lay on my back and my love plunges into me, softly at first, the world becomes alive. All of a sudden things are highlighted and every thing has meaning- every push, every grunt, every shove- the phallus drives itself into the warm abyss to find my soul- to find me and to connect. And I retaliate at first- but then respond- I want to be found, by God, I want to be found! And I want to know you, find you, feel you, I scream- well my vagina screams- and right at the moment when we are about to truly touch- to truly know each other, there is an ejaculation of exceeding your limits as man. They say you can see God for a few brief moments at the time of climax- and I believe that in a way (even though I'm agnostic/atheistic LOL). Because in those few brief moments- we were about to know each other, know what it means to be alive, know what it means to be someone, and to know someone else and to actually see someone- to finally know---but that would be giving it all away, wouldn't it? Nothing can ever be that simple.

When you're in a polyamorous relationship- you're giving too much away to too many. It's a puzzle, and you get a piece each time- so imagine how many pieces you have given away carelessly? I find polyamory to be a bit cheap sometimes- I mean look, you can fuck all the people you want and be with anyone who tickles your pickle or your egg- but so what? Yeah it sounds great- but it's such a sham. You're with so many people for only the good times, and ultimately, you are alone. You have spread yourself so thin that no one really knows you- but why would they want to? It's free love man- the cheap version of love. The quick and easy fuck and release plan. And it's heartbreaking, it's sad, it's cheap and it's lonely. Where do you learn what a human is, if you're getting so many different responses- don't you confuse them? And don't they get offended? You lost whatever humanity they had with you- just move on.

Now, I'm not a staunch believer in marriage, or being 2getha 4evaaa LOLz!- but, each relationship is unique, and should be treasured as such. You are delving into another person- and this goes both ways- so you better take your time and open up your eyes, or you are going to miss a beautiful thing. Perhaps I am a romantic, or I am corrupted, who knows- but I want something beautiful when I fuck- I want to reach somewhere. If I just wanted to get off, I could masturbate and save a whole lot of drama. I guess I am like Barney, Simon's protagonist. HAH! Who would have thought?

However, I am totally aware that polyamory isn't for everyone, nor is how I described it to be. It can totally be a beautiful thing for some people and I respect that. DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY.

Well anyways, I recommend reading that play. It's funny. And Make Love Not War by David Allyn. Good shit.

Love and peace -

Danuta

AND SO, HILARITY ENSUES!

FROM GF: Dec 20 9:01pm

Hey,

Okay. So here is my 'personal' mesage you are looking for I guess. How can you say I am working off assumptions? You have been nothing but cold and unapproachable the only two times you have been around her. Then she trys to talk to you on fb and you ignore her friend request. Of Course we are going to think she is not welcome! Look how you have been acting. Her and dave cleared whatever the hell it was back then. I don't know why you still have a grudge with her? She is so sick of it and I am so sick of feeling stuck. Why would you bother inviting me to something like that when you didn't invite her, Come On Danuta. And if this is still about the money then I will give you the stupid 3 bucks for her salad that night. You would still be mad at Kate and Joh if Sue didn't send you the money to cover it, so I'll gladly give you her money so we can start putting this behind us. This is so stupid. You can't say that im making dumb assumptions cause look how you have acted towards her! And to say we're immature??! You won't even accept her stupid friend thing on fb so you two can start building a friendship again! If you're being so cold in person how else is she supposed to talk to you besides the internet. This is so lame and I am tired of hearing about it from all sides. I am obviously standing by Kelly and I am sorry if you disagree with that.

Gf

MY RESPONSE

Dec 20, 11:37pm

1. Kelly never apologized for August. Nor did she apologize for every hurtful thing she said. Nor did she apologize for all the shit she spewed about me when you all hung out. Friends do that? Friends talk shit about other friends when they aren't there? Sorry, but I don't consider that friendship. That's a sham. And I'm sick of shit in my life- why keep it? PS- She and Dave DID not make peace- they only argued about her great and classy comment on how we are going to be flipping burgers. Don't worry, I'll hold the fucking onions.

2. Cold? Because all of a sudden I'm supposed to be shitting rainbows and butterflies when I see her? Forget that she totally screwed me over in August and disrespected not only me, my boyfriend but what friendship means? Friendship is not walking out on friends. Friendship is not talking shit or being malicious. I don't need that. And she is the one who wronged ME, why should I be trying to make contact- saying hello first? Please, should I kiss her ass while I stoop that low for you to kick it? I'm sick of being shit on. Don't piss on my face and call it rain- because I'm going to call it piss.

3. Money? That's all it is with you people! Money and statuses and material things! I lost more than three dollars that night. I lost my confidence in friends, friendship and trusting you all. Joe and Kate apologized, and I saw them change. And we are working on it- it's not 100% and it's not about money with me- it's about respect. I'm from Springfield, and I'm proud of that fact- no one messes with me, my humanity nor who I am as a person. Apparently, that night I was such threat that even her brother wanted to come over with her dad "incase I started trouble?" Please. Go get your own reality show. This all about my party and why she didn't get in- why didn't she care before?

4. Immaturity is this facebook shit. Seriously, I invited everyone on my list. And the invite says GUESTS ARE INVITED TO BRING GUESTS. Yeah I didn't add Kelly, thus I didn't invite her. You could have asked to bring her. I might have even said yes because I don't CARE. Why should I add her? Has she even approached me to change? Has she even asked to talk or to forgive? No apparently she just talked, what do I smell? Oh yeah- SHIT. I'm sorry but if you don't have the guts to tell me what you think about me to my face, then don't bother talking to me. I don't deal with passive aggressive bitches.

5. I never had a problem with you. And I understand you two are together and you'll stick up for her- but I'm still wondering what you're sticking up for? What did I do? I never talked shit. I'm a classy, grade A broad- what does this girl do to even deserve me thinking about her? Nothing. What have I said about her? Nothing. What have I done towards her? Nothing. What does she mean to me? Nothing. We are not friends. End of story. She means nothing to me, and she lost most of my confidence before the dinner even happened- the dinner was just the final straw. I'm almost a little disappointed with myself that I let the shit show go that far.

6. No offense Greg- but who the fuck, excuse my French, are you? Who are you to tell me I have wronged your significant other when I think I've made it clear that I'm done? Also- as I stated before, why should I be kissing ass to someone who has disrespected me, my significant other, my friends, told me I was a no one through facebook statuses (wow take a bow!) and has barely moved an inch to do something about it. No remorse at all- just malice! She should be talking to ME if she has a problem right now- NOT YOU. I apologize for nothing, because I have done nothing. And that is fact. I treated you and Kelly with respect, I never partook in any shit talking fests, COUGH COUGH, nor did make "jokes". She means nothing- isn't even worth my time.

7. Seriously- you're acting like a vagina. This could have been avoided if you called or even messaged me calmly asking me about the party and telling me LIKE A MATURE ADULT that you're a little bothered about that fact. This all could have been handled rationally and respectfully. But instead you make a status- wow, so original- and blow up my spot making yourself look stupid. I guess this was a test, and you failed. Both of you because I know you're not doing this alone.

Well. I wish the both of you good health, good cheer and happy holidays. Sometimes things don't get fixed, and sometimes you don't get what you want. That's life. I really hope for the best for you two.

-Danuta

-------

I feel amazing. I feel like I just lost a whole load off my chest. Seriously, this repression habit has to STOP.

I feel like tomorrow is going to be amazing. I'm going to grab life and take it and make it mine tomorrow. Tomorrow, I start living the life I want. How else could I? No one will for me. So here I go...hopefully all I have is good news from here on out.

This revenge is so sweet. Don't you see? THIS IS MY TIME. It's like the Count of Monte Cristo story, and I know it will have a bad ending but I'm just enjoying this high right now. I need this high right now.

I hope the New Years party I'm throwing is amazing. And I really hope everyone enjoys it- apparently it's making quite a stir LOL.

Peace and Love,

Danuta

PS- Listen to Forever by Drake/Yeezy/Weezy/ Eminem. I'm in such a trashy rap kick- it gives me confidence.

I'ma pick the world and I'ma drop it on your fucking head.

DROP THE WORLD- Lil Wayne Feat. Eminem

I got ice in my veins, blood in my eyes
Hate in my heart, love in my mind
I seen nights full of pain, days of the same
You keep the sunshine, save me the rain
I search but never find, hurt but never cry
I work and forever try, but I’m cursed, so never mind
And it’s worse, but better times seem further and beyond
The top gets higher the more that I climb
The spot gets smaller, and I get bigger
Tryna get into where I fit in, no room for a n*gga
But soon for a n*gga it be on, mu’f*cka
‘Cause all the bullshit, it made me strong, mu’f*cka
So I pick the world up and I’ma drop it on your f*ckin’ head
Bitch, I’ma pick the world up and I’ma drop it on your f*ckin’ head
And I could die now, Rebirth motherf*cker
Hop up in my spaceship and leave Earth, motherf*cker
I’m gone
Motherf*cker, I’m gone
I know what they don’t wanna tell you
Just hope you’re heaven-sent, and you’re hell-proof
I-I walk up in the world and cut the lights off
And confidence is the stain they can’t wipe off
Huh, my word is my pride
But wisdom is bleak, and that’s a word from the wise
Served to survive, murdered and bribed
And when it got too heavy I put my burdens aside
So I could pick the world up and I’ma drop it on your f*ckin’ head
Bitch, I’ma pick the world up and I’ma drop it on your f*ckin’ head
And I could die now, Rebirth motherf*cker
Hop up in my spaceship and leave Earth, motherf*cker
I’m gone
Motherf*cker, I’m gone (I’m gone)
(Eminem) It hurts, but I never show this pain you’ll never know
If only you could see just how lonely and how cold
And frostbit I’ve become, my back’s against the wall
When push come to shove, I just stand up and scream “F*ck ‘em all”
Man, it feels like these walls are closing in
This roof is caving in, up its time to razor-thin
Your days are numbered like pagers and
My book of rhymes, got ‘em cookin’, boy
This crooked mind of mine got ‘em all
Shook and scared to look in my eyes
I stole that f*ckin’ clock
I took the time and I
Came up from behind
And pretty much snuck up
And butt-f*cked this game up
Better be careful when you bring my name up
F*ck this fame, that ain’t what
I came to claim but the game
Ain’t gonna be the same on the day that I leave it
But I swear one way or another I’ma make these f*ckin’ haters believe that
I swear to God, won’t spare the rod
I’m a man of my word, so your f*ckin’ heads better nod
Or I’ma f*ck around in this bitch and roast everybody
Sleep on me, that pillow is where your head’ll lie
Permanently, bitch, it’s beddy-bye
This world is my Easter egg, yeah, prepare to die
My head is swole, my confidence is up
This stage is my pedestal
I’m unstoppable, incredible
Hope you’re trapped in my medicine ball
I could run circles around you so fast your f*ckin’ head’ll spin, dog
I split your cabbage and your lettuce and olives
I’ll f*ckin’
Pick the world up and I’ma drop it on your f*ckin’ head
Bitch, I’ma pick the world up and I’ma drop it on your f*ckin’ head
And I could die now, Rebirth motherf*cker
Hop up in my spaceship and leave Earth, motherf*cker
I’m gone
Motherf*cker, I’m gone (I’m gone)

-----

That song embodies pretty much everything I've gone through this past semester. Yes, my life has sucked thus far- but motherfucker, I'm gone. Weezy's album was supposed to be out Dec 16th, but he pushed it back to February. Too bad 500 copies got leaked- that's how I heard this. Actually, I heard this on the radio and became impassioned to find it. So I did on this website:

http://nahright.com/news/2009/12/15/lil-wayne-feat-eminem-drop-the-world/

So good, but in other news...since March....

1. Everyone I loved/love has broken me in some way.

2. Everyone I loved/love has abandoned me in some way.

3. Everyone I loved/love has disappointed me in some way.

March-May- Spring semester ends very well. Except I realize my roommate is a total bitch- we have a fall out.

June- July- Forgive bitch roommate, but still not ok. I work at the Post and am verbally abused there. Ugh.

-August- Cape Cod. I had people I considered friends dine and dash at my boyfriend's birthday bash and start a shit show via facebook. I repressed my anger, which I realize wasn't healthy. Sure I looked like the bigger person, but I'm suffering for it now, especially since I've taken a lot of Nietzsche's words to heart. I should have just blasted them once, got it out of my system and left them. Now they are creeping back into my life as "friends" again, and we tiptoe around August like it never happened. Fucking A. It did happen! I'm waiting for the daggers to show.

-September to October- Parents scared me about the dog. Relationship problems. Broke up twice within this period- caught him texting other girls things he couldn't even promise me. No friends in sight. No shoulder to lean on, nothing. Just a lot of hormonal girls telling me to castrate him. Great advice- not. You know, on TV, girls always take their broken friends out and show them a good time. No one called, no one cared. Whatever, fuck. So after I gave him a second chance- people are complaining and calling me "stupid". Please- I'm the not the type to keep tabs but I remember driving to different states to help people when their families got divorced, break ups, deaths, etc etc. So- where were you? If you had done what a friend should have done, maybe things would be different.

BUT ON THAT NOTE- I don't regret giving him another chance. He's truly 180-ed and resumed being the best friend I have and need. He's the only person I can depend on. Love you.

November- I turned 20 and invited people, over 90, to a breakfast brunch at my college. Who came: Me, my roommate Alex, Dave, Shayla, Ashley, Sophie, Ashley from Russian, Laurel plus three people I didn't know?, Natasha, my mom and Bo. Excuses I got from people: too hungover, too tired, oh I forgot?, ate somewhere else, ... . My best friend didn't show up because of a party at her school. I threw this bitch a surprise party in August.

December- Finals- and the current time. Just had a talk with my stressed out roommate to masturbate so she can chill the fuck out.

And me? I don't know. Weezy said it all. I depend on no one. It's tough. I got off the phone with my mom. She tells me that someday I will find people to truly trust and enjoy. She says there are good people in the world. It makes sense that I'm skeptical, she says, because this year has been nothing but hurt and pain. I'm so used to it- it's nothing new. Seriously, nothing surprises me any more. I remember writing in a paper this semester that all pain is universal- only the context changes. I didn't think I would stand by that- but I am.

I don't want to sound like a Negative Nancy. I really don't. There have been good things, but it sucks when only the bad things highlight milestones in your life. Like seriously, WTF. Let me think of one good thing- yes- I have it...I'm going to the Republic of Georgia in January and I am working with the Georgian chapter of the UN. It's called the UNA, United Nations Association. I am so PUMPED. I finally feel like my life is going to hold some meaning, some water. Maybe I can start running as soon as I hit the ground now- maybe the Amazing will happen! (The Amazing is my concept and silly idea that I was made for great things. Is this a simple desire, or a true feeling that I was meant for something bigger? I think it's a little of both, but I have the right to work off that- and I pray that I will do something amazing soon).

I might be throwing another New Year's Eve party again. But- no food or booze this time. Too many people took advantage of me then. I'm so over that. I loved being naive about people because I thought I could bring out the good in them with my kindness and faith in them. Fuck that. I've been shit on so many times these last 6 months alone that I don't need anyone. I used to cry because I had no friends, no people to go out with. I used to cry because people ditched me, forgot about me. I thought it would change, people would remember me, would love me, would be with me- and it would no longer be just me carrying everyone- boy, was I stupid for believing that. I don't go out any more. I don't party. I stay in and study. I depend on me and my wits alone. That's the only thing that has gotten me so far. Me. So, I spread myself out. I don't get too close to people or let them know me. Sure, I may be psychologically fucked, but at least I get a little companionship. I've befriended a femme lesbian- whom I adore, a reformist Jew- who is HILARIOUS and so OG, my democractic rah rah roommate who is a good soul, Nietzsche, Freud, Fanon, Dave again and again and my mom. Mom is the best. I still hate the Greeks- Socrates and Plato and Aristotle- yeah, those muttafukkas can suck it.

During Thanksgiving Break, I came home and partied with old "pals" from high school. My God, It was like a horrible high school reunion. I believe this event was my dismantlement with humanity and the concept of friendship: everyone was the same and so quick to judge. All of a sudden it was a comparison party- who did more, who is smarter, who will make more. People asked me what the fuck I would do with my majors and my LA bachelors? Primarily your future doctors and politicians, and I replied- oh and I was so fresh too- to the doctors= legislate how much impact and hold you have on the world and determine if six figures on a paycheck really relates to your egotistical idea of self. To the politicians= make sure you don't cause another Vietnam to happen because the USA means shit today, not THE shit. But mainly, I just drank in contempt. Sure I got drunk, and they crawled all over me for it. But that's what happens when you drink 4 22oz Polish beers with enough strength to drug an ox in them and 2 American micros for flavor. And everything I said was said for a reason, bitches.

Well. It's December. I will try to write in this thing everyday. Why? Because I need to start promulgating and I need to start getting myself together. I should write everyday any ways, but blogs are SO COOL! Not. Eh. Whatever, maybe I'm supposed to remember this. I do feel better though.

So- until tomorrow! Good luck and much love.

And listen to Weezy!

Ugh. I told myself I would never come back to this.

But honestly- I missed it.

If I told you I was your greatest fan, how would you react?

I decided to make the best website in the world for my world politics class.

And thus, it shall be so.

~

I am stressed. I am stripped. I am nerves. I am wire.

Coffee stains and howling owls- my god-

Bruises around the brain prove no gain

And instead I'm slipping in and out of reality like some sort

of monk-

holy holy holy fool

if i fake it, will i make it?

do you want to see me drool, prophesize and seize?

how deep is your faith

how shallow your pocket?

or should i be asking

if your knees are dusty from praying

or from suckling out the faith

from teacher

from savior.