Pieces of glass

My heart is like blown glass at this point, nothing but a thin layer of burnt sand holding myself together, keeping my anxieties and happiness apart. I am waiting for news about my aunt. She had her hysterectomy last night. I'm taking Ami, her daughter and my cousin/niece, to a movie at three.

I am waiting for the racist Republican agenda to be finally understood and revealed for what it is. Nevermind, take the Respublican out, add in American. Donald Trump is the perfect example of the 'American'. Vote for him and lose your soul, I swear to God. Even this was a publicity ploy, it's nothing short of disgusting.

I am waiting for Alabama, Mississippi and the other States to come together and breathe and bandage themselves up. There is blood in that soil now, so many have perished.

I am waiting for Indiana to wake up, as Wisconsin did. Cutting access to basic and necessary health care is like cutting off your nose to spite your face. Thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, will be suffering, if not dying.

I am waiting for the call to bear arms, and for the safety of knowing I can barricade myself in away from you. I am trying to be strong and to think I can do this. But, I feel like I can't do this. Not now. Please don't tell me/ tell me her name. Don't tell me/ tell me you did, you felt, you saw, you touched, you held. I am nothing to you, but Goddamn it, I am something to me. I don't regret what I did; I did it for me. I know you were doing the same. But I did me for my own sanity, yours was out of selfishness. So be it, this is war.

I slept like shit last night. My dreams, when I had them, were of swollen riverbanks and twisters erupting out of gray clouds, with colorless faces running past. So much is going on: my family, my work, school, my thesis, my fragility, my weak heart...

I'll find strength in stupid Twitter posts praising God and all his glory. Yes, Rev. Run, keep me whole.

I need to find my own confidence. All in all though, I'd like things to go back to how they were. Sometimes I dream of never meeting you. You woke something up in me I had hoped was dead.

No, no, no. You're right; I shouldn't care.

Guess what I found out?

I mean, I guess I'm glad you found someone new. I guess. I'm glad we're not Facebook friends because I'd probably be a major creeper 23/7 (1 hour of sleep). Oh, and one more thing, how old is she? Last time I checked she was friends with 15 year olds...uhh...

(I'm fucking cuter though. Don't you ever forget that.)

:)

It's going to be a good day.

Oh and Janelle Monae was awesome. I got a shirt :)

I finished my sociology shit this morning! WHEW. Did not take as long as I thought it would I'm done with two classes! Only two papers and I'm freee<3


Ps, there's a thunder storm wrecking havoc in the sky right now. I have always wanted to have sex during a thunder storm. Actually, I think I did when I went camping with Dave and Amber and co. and Dave split his finger open the next morning. Seriously, all night while the tent was poured on and almost floated away we fucked and fucked and fucked.

But seriously. I want to have sex during a thunder storm in a house by big windows. Not too much to ask for.

I guess I'll take a nap....


JANELLE MONAE TONIGHT<3 I almost touched her tour bus on my way to class. I'm such a creep.

PS...

Childish Gambino is not keeping me on track, haha. Time for some DJ Shadow and Bikini Kill. I need angry shit. Stereotypical Bane is ok too. AHHH

EEEEEgads

Ok, I'm supposed to be writing my sociology revision. And I've just spent an hour staring into space/surfing the web. WTF. I really can't do this. I'm so tired haha. I'm acting such a fool.

Seriously, for tomorrow I have to:

Revise my research proposal
Provide my Sample Informed Consent Form
Provide my interview schedule
Bibliography from my presentation


And I am so not motivated. I had a cupcake and then I have a bag of peanut butter m&ms, sour patch watermelon candies and a bag of lollipops Bob got me. I'm crashing with NOTHING done. I keep fucking myself over haha. I'm going to have to take a nap tomorrow after class and before Janelle. Oh yeah, I'm seeing JANELLE fucking MONAE tomorrow night. Sweeettt.

Seriously, again, after this sociology business I only have two papers to do ughhh and I'm prolonging the inevitable. Where is my drill sergeant or some angry figure in my life? I NEED TO GET SHIT DONE.

Ok, it's 12:00am. Let's see how late I stay up. Bwaha. Sad:(

im good, im gone

And if you say I'm not OK
with miles to go
If you say there ain't no way that i could know
If you say i aim too high from down below
Well, say it now 'cause when i'm gone
You'll be callin' but i won't be at the phone



I have way too much in my life going on to be stressing over this kind of shit. And if I come off as over reacting oh well. I'd rather deal with this on my terms. I was right all along, and though I don't necessarily believe I have to be heartless to get through this, I should save my smiles for people who deserve them.

I feel better after posting this; I can focus on my presentation for tomorrow.

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love...

Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

I'm not sorry there's nothing to save...

I should know this by now.

I should really stop trying. Everything I do gets me nowhere. Are you even listening? Do you even know? Do you even care? Why do I bother?

I chose my room today for next year. Dickinson 201! It's the last dorm room I will live in during my undergraduate career. Woo!

Libby went to Minnesota; Emily is off campus. Bummerz. My two biddies are gone. The others slowly just drift away, around, in and out. Or some are just quick to judge. Either way, lonesome ville here i izz. I should be doing work anyways haha.

On Saturday I'm presenting at a Sociology conference and I haven't put my presentation together. I should hop on that. I also have a stupid astro lab presentation on Monday and I have to put my thesis somewhat in order and email a shit ton of people. Yes, I should be doing that. And yet, all I want to do is sleep. And have sex and/or masturbate. And sleep. And have sex. And sleep. And sleep again.

16 days and the semester is over. Thank god. Once I have this telescope presentation done and all my sociology stuff put together, all I have for finals is a presentation and a long paper for AMS and a 5 to 8 pager for English. Not too bad.

PS. Skinny Love is on repeat. I can't get sick of this shit. When Bon Iver sings it like touches my guts. OMGHEGETSME!@!@!@! hahah jk.

K. I should do something with my life tonight. Bye.

Thesis update

Rundle isn't comfortable being my thesis advisor, but wants to be a reader. Oh well. I'm emailing Townsley.

I'm losing hope. This is stupid but I really need a sign telling me if I should do this or not.
Sad day.

Oh.

...and my babysitting duties have begun.


Apparently next weekend I am taking Ami and Ewelina to Six Flags. My brownie points better start adding up.

I feel physically ill. I woke up at 8 only to take a nap at 10. I'm only getting out of bed because of a meeting at 1:30 and 3:30. WTF is wrong with me?

Seriously, this anxiety is coming out of nowhere, or I am making it worse for no reason. I need to get myself together.

Bad news bears

I got my grades back form astronomy. B minus/ B plus. Not great. This bummed me out. What made it worse is that my astro lab grade has to be considered as well. Cool. Not. I hate lab.

On my way back from Northampton, Mom called me telling me that my uncle is very sick. His wife, Eva, has a reoccurring cancer that was first found in her breast. A piece has traveled to her brain. I remember in high school we learned all the terms about this, and who would have thought, I forgot it all. No scientific term can account for emotional turmoil.

It gets worse. My mother's cousin, Beata, the one who I worked for last summer and the one who connected me with Croatia, has a tumor on her ovaries, a lump in her breast and is facing a possible hysterectomy.

I never really had much of a family. I remember always being jealous of people and their big families and their big holiday parties. Just being able to have that group and community feeling, that bond over blood. I don't know my cousins; they live in Poland. We are strangers. The family I have here is so overextended that it's almost comical, but we strive and keep some sort of bond together. Family is family, and we all hate each other. We don't get along. And yet, I'm heartbroken. We're hurting a lot.

I called Beata and wanted to tell her that because I'm not doing anything this summer, I'd watch her two youngest kids whenever she needed some time off/time to recover. She said she would call me back; she was in her appointment.

I had a dream about my uncle. He's a jerk. We got into a fight and he stormed off. My mother believes in dreams.


I dressed up kinda cute. Did my hair, did my makeup, to no avail. I feel stupid even trying.

I hate asking for comfort because I hate coming off as weak, but for once I'd like to not worry about anything. For once I just want to put my head down knowing someone is there. I just want to be weak, just once. I hate being strong for everyone. I wish I could cry in front of someone and be ok with it. I wish I could feel human and not feel imperfect at the same time.

Fuck it. I'm just going to bed. Blogging about shit is not going to help me. Tomorrow I can be productive. Fuck everything though, the universe is out of whack. Fuck people too. Whatever, I'll call Beata again tomorrow.

Fuck makeup. It gets everywhere when you cry.

Docs

I watched two documentaries tonight and both were awesome, one a little more so than the other. One was on people of color in punk/hardcore and it's called Afropunk. It was absolutely amazing. I loved it. Nothing but truth, nothing but truth. The second was on riot grrrl, we don't need you, and it was like a half hour long. It was aiiight, then again I was never very into riot grrrl. Being the Derridian I am (joke, joke, take it easy...) I don't believe that switching oppression onto the oppressor is the right way to go...you're just playing into the same system, just changing the roles. Totally on Spitboy's side on this one ;)


Anyways, the Celts won game 2 tonight!!! YEAHH!


I've been getting by on the skin of my teeth. No good. I'm so burnt out. Ugh. I just want to deal with music and interview people for the rest of my life. Love love love it.

friskyy

Astronomy lab took forever. Just, no. There's birds trying to nest in the vines outside my window. MAD RUDE. They wake the shit out of me in the mornings. Nature.

I'm getting a stud tomorrow morning. I am so thrilled. I'm going to buy a ring as well, just so I can switch it when I'm over it. I love having my lip ring. Everything feels so cool Tand interesting, as though everything has a new texture.

I'm presenting at a conference on Saturday. I'm kind of nervous. I bought professional clothes with Mom and I think I look very nice. Cute, in fact. Ohhh man. Mom might go, haha, but I think I'll try to dissuade her.

Tomorrow I just have a meeting with my Smith professor at 10, my lip ring, and then my seminar from 1 to 4. in*Touch is right after, and I'm hoping to hit the gym. I have to get my library books before they return them on me. Sheeet.

Despite everything going on, life is actually quite swell. I go to sleep happy. Seriously, the week of my period is like such a rollercoaster. The week before I'm emotional as fuck, and then the week of I'm just so elated to be alive. I don't get it. It's like my body is happy to be pouring out ounces of blood from me for a week. Fuck you hormones....sometimes.

xoxo

Tune in, tune out

What an awfully lazy day. I woke up multiple times over the night drunk as hell. Lucky me though, I wasn't as hung over as I thought I would be. I was just really dehydrated and thirsty.

But last night was veryyy nice. Awesome in fact. I broke the barrier ;) I need to buy a new lip ring though. Some rough contact ended up unscrewing the ball. I love making out. Love it. I'd rather make out than have sex...sometimes. Haha. I went to bed alone, but I think that was a good thing as I was so obnoxious and cocky I'd end up having my way with any little thing that ended up in bed with me. So much for decency haha.

I looked hella good last night as well. The gym is paying off. All black errythinggg

The only thing I regret is waking up alone. I miss waking up in a cuddle or with body heat next to me. It's been awhile :/ I feel like I'm getting so cold.

I'm so exciteddd for the end of the semester/summer. I might be going to Chicago, and/or L.A. for a bit. Hollllaaa.

damn

I've had more ice coffee this week than all of last year combined. I am still alive. Also, there is dog shit everywhere. Does no one pick up after their pooches?

WTF? Stanky.


Steve is totally 'green light' with my AMS project and presentation. I'm a happy puppy. Now, to rope in his genius for my thesis.

Possible thesis advisor ALERT BTW. Erika Rundleee! Yes, please say yes yes yess<3


I don't trust you. At least I can still have fun with you.




I totally do not want to live at home this summer. I would much rather try to get summer housing here on campus, or rent a little room with a nice view. I'll be reading books and books and books this summer anyways. I just don't want to be in Springfield. It's not my family either, it's just the area in general and the anxiety of seeing someone from high school. FUCK HIGH SCHOOL. There are few people I would want to see anyways. I can count them on one hand. Most of them were smart and got away from SPfld. Le sigh.


HARDCORE ALL DAY ERRYDAY. Ok, I need to eat. I'm acting ridiculous.

You want me to participate in a...

Debutante Ball? Uhhh,I don't think so. Sorry.

All eyes are on me now...

Oh Janelle, you got meee.

I know my worth, trust me. You've lost a lot. I haven't lost anything. I gained a good time, some good memories, whatever. You gave me up first. Remember that.

I don't play games, and I'm not spiteful. I'm sad you let this happen, but I feel like you got your own shit to deal with.

DEUCES.

:/

Didn't have Sociology this morning, but I couldn't sleep. I wasn't very productive this morning, though. Maybe I'm getting sick.

I took a shower and almost passed out when my head told me :"Where the fuck are you going in life?"

Good question. What the hell am I going to do? Law school? LSATS? GREs? It can get overwhelming sometimes. I just know I always want to be financially secure (like buy a Cadillac secure) but happy too. To sell out, or not to sell out?
Oi. I'm a mess.

Well tonight we're choosing residence halls for next year. I'm aiming for Dickinson or Pearsons. I want a wooden floor and a big ass closet. At least that'll be one decision out of the way.

It's so hard finding a thesis advisor. Email me back, please?!!?

Here's to an anxiety filled Tuesday.

Can't sleep.
Can't dream.

Furrowed brows knitted together. Oh headache.

But the windows are open, and the winds rush in.
1:00 fire alarm had me up in shivers and shakes.
Emily didn't puke this time. I covered myself in the sounds of laughter.

I didn't lose much, and it won't hurt too bad. I've just gotta learn to walk before I go sprinting.
fight tooth and nail...for me...ya digg?

I digg.

Cold War

VAPOR w/ Midnight Conspiracy 4/16
Dr. Ruth 4/17
WMHC w/ Dominque Unique 4/22
Oberhofer 4/23
Sociology Conference 4/23
AMS Presentation 4/27
Andrea Gibson 4/24
Janelle Monae...4/28 <3

LAST DAY OF CLASSES 5/2


I have a lot to look forward to. Ok, so I'm looking at this future investment which might cost me a bit, but it's something I really want to pursue. I'm looking at getting a mixer than connects to lap tops and players of all sorts. It's a beginner's kind of mixer, but when I get better and come into more green I'll invest in some real machinery. I'm really excited. My summer WILL be awesome. Especially with that beautiful piece of metal.

I get such anxiety when people argue. Seriously, my post on Facebook gave me like 42 mini heart attacks. I get so excited/ riled up at the same time. It kills me.

Happiness is Tegan and Sara and Monae on repeat. Ohhh damnn. I just want to shake my booty.

Night all.

PS

I knew I wasn't ready for this shit. I knew it.

Lame

I love how when I'm upset or sad the first thing I think about doing is finding a lyric to post as my status on Facebook. I'm so pathetic. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Declaratory statements kill me. And fuck, no one is on campus/ wants to hang out. This is worst: feeling like shit and having no one to shoot the shit with.

I'm going to just bury myself. Thanks. Fuck.

And fuck everything. Just, go fuck yourself. FUCKKK

what the...

eff!

EVERYONE IS PREGNANT. GTFO.

Yes. I am definitely leaving Springfield behind.

xoxo

concrete feet

She said I'm tied to this land like some sort of bad habit, one that has me kissing the bathroom floor every time the bottle is emptied. I do this thing where when I'm down there counting tiles, I pretend they're tiles I never saw before, never felt before, never had before. I'll scrape their rocky insides, pushing disgust away, until I feel the little concrete pebbles fill up under my nails, blaming it on being drunk. It's true; it was a trap and I set it, no need for bait, or a prize. I'm stuck here and the air burning my lungs is no longer friendly or known, it's got more of a cancerous aroma than anything.

She told me this today, a spring day. Every footstep on the pavement made the sound of a baby's birth waking scream and the trees' buds looked like swollen glands. There is life all around me and Nina Simone like mumbles in the talking of birds, rushing waters and bugs (yes, the bugs are back). And yet, here I am, questioning my own path I am taking and whether everything that happened was a lie, a constructed footbridge to some expected outcome. How silly, I had always prided myself on being unexpected(ing).

I am stuck between dreams and reality. I wish I could take all these words thrown at me and could mold them into something strong and beautiful, or even into a pill, and take it, and feel strong and beautiful too. The problem was never that I never heard encouragement enough, it's just I could never believe it when I said it. That's taken awhile to learn and thus has been my hardest challenge: believing in what I say. Baby steps, the world is made of them. I walk slow, though my heart pounds as though I'm running a marathon. I never want to be expected.

Either way, she is right. I need to get the fuck out of this place. It's not a hate thing, it's not a love thing, it's definitely a freedom thing. I have been in the Valley far too long and these are my prime years and whatever growth I obtain is always cut short during the moments when I return home, a mere 14 miles away. It is old friends, old memories, old everything that keeps me trapped in fear and trauma. She is so right. I hold onto these expectations they have, this consistent need to outdo everything and everyone, like a rat race but, BUT! Who the fuck am I to them any more? It's as though when we meet for that yearly hello or so, we compare lives and judgments and gossip. I can't stay in this vicious cycle any more. It was never a hospitable place for me. This place will never be a hospitable place for me.

I need to travel. I need to put on my sneakers and run. I need to feel, I need to fight, I need to bleed, I need to fucking live.

I'm going to set out and do everything I want to do. Why? Well, because I want to. I know I'll end up leaving people behind but...wait...fuck it! HAH! I've been left behind so much, and on so many occasions, I can't be missed that much! It's time to take the hint and to go go go. As another good friend said, I need to find 'my dumb shit'.

Regrets are inevitable, but they happen for many a reason, and in truth, they happen in the hopes of making room for something better. The only thing I'm afraid of now, is that when I start running, I'll forget to look back, but maybe that's the point! Live through this, and you won't look back...


I'm not sorry there's nothing to save...