Catch Up To ME

Since my last post I :

• Deactivated my Facebook for a month (Jan. 27).
• Lost a friend I had lost previously/gave up gaining
• Caught up with friends who were far away
• Have started to let go
• Created a second blog with all my prose, poetry, etc. It's private. I'm working on sharing.
• Been to see my baby girl in Tyngsborough (sp?)
• Have made plans to go to New Jersey for New Years to spend it with my baby girl Emily
• Finally got an oil change. Rotated my tires too.
• Finished my finals.
• Celebrated Christmas and argued with people about really pointless stuff.
• Have seriously debated joining the CIA....for real.
• Have seriously contemplated writing more and possibly performing.
• Have cut my losses, and am looking forward to 2011.
• Am desperate to just make out and cuddle. Seriously. All inquiries will be accepted.

I realized, a month too late, I never created my 21 goals for 21. Let me do that now, now that I have some hindsight heehee:
(Recovered from Facebook)

20/21

by Danuta Janiszewski on Saturday, November 14, 2009 at 6:09pm

So it's the eve of my 20th birthday, and despite the mountain of disappointments in front of me and behind me, it's that time of year where I make goals for myself to strive towards before my next birthday. Before, I had them written down, but I think they'll be much more effective by being public.
Here are my last 20 goals and whether I passed them or not:
1. Lose 20 pounds- ehhh :/ unsuccessful lol
2. To love my physical self- much better self esteem, so check!
3. Get organized- about 85% better, will strive for 100%- so check!
4. STOP THE SLOTH- definitely a check!
5. Forgive and try to forget- much better, check!
6. Don't hold grudges- cleaned my slate last time I checked- check!
7. Be friendly- check!
8. Meet new peeps- check!
9. Tone down the argumentative side- still a tough girl, but check!
10. Relax-- :/
11. Decide on majors- CST and english, CHECK
12. Get good grades homie- CHECK :)
13. Confidence- much better than before, check!
14. Paranoia, the world is not out to get you- sorta check
15. Learn something, or somethingSSS- check!
16. Publish/ Perform- I performed a piece this year- fuck yeah check
17. Love thyself- ehhh :/
18. Speak up- I spoke too late on too many occasions :/
19. Get things off your chest right away- nope- hello snowball of regret :/
20. LIVE IT UP- i've become domesticated :/

14/20, not bad.

So, because I'm about to pass onto 20- here are my 21 goals to reach before I turn 21 on November 15, 2010!

1. Lose 21 pounds/ create and maintain a healthy life change!
2. LET IT GO/ Get things off your chest quickly and efficiently
3. SMILE, because you know, you're beautiful :)
4. SPEAK UP
5. PUBLISH YOUR GODDAMN WORK ALREADY, or attempt to at least!
6. Perform yourself more, the world deserves to know you
7. Don't take yourself for granted- just because others do doesn't mean you should.
8. Travel, travel, travel
9. Don't ever let anyone get to you, because they don't deserve to- just tell them to stfu and DUELLLL BITCH!
10. Do not become a slave to your fears
11. LIVE IT UP, for real this time. Leave one day of the week/weekend to just do you and to really enjoy yourself- with or without company.
12. Explore! Danuta da explora'
13. Being alone is ok sometimes, but you're a social animal- rawr baby, rawr!
14. Read, read, read and then read some more. It's good for you.
15. Organization! Get shit done!
16. Grades- outdo yourself, you're your own competition.
17. Go out and meet people, some times it's ok to leave your homework at home for the night.
18. Start putting yourself first. You know, sometimes you are wayyy too fucking nice. Really.
19. Start saving/hiding money from yourself! Green stuff is rare!
20. Try something new- dance, style, food, place, movie, author, brand- etc!
21. Enjoy life as it comes, and not how it's been planned babygirl :)

Ok, so those 21 goals were from last year, let's see which ones I accomplished:
ACCOMPLISHED: #20, I fucking love hummus.

But that's it? At least, from my perspective, that's all I've done. :/
Well, life is a work in progress, so here are 22 points I want to work on before I turn 22!

1. Lose 22 pounds :) Haha, I hope this doesn't become a yearly thing! I lost 6 though!
2. Smile. Seriously, I know I'm beautiful. I just have to realize and use it :)
3. Put yourself first! Again, too fucking nice. Don't put up with bullshit you don't have to!
4. Enjoy life...in any shape, way or form. You live once!
5. Love yourself. Self explanatory, and you've done well so far, keep going!
6. Do what you love. Poetry, writing, photography, reading, everything. It's all me.
7. Do something crazy! DO SOMETHING CRAZZZYYY!
8. Meet new people. Put yourself out there; you're an amazing person and keeping yourself away from people is just plain selfish! Friends are always good.
9. Stop judging. Soo true haha.
10. Academics: OWN THEM. You're almost done with undegrad; FINISH STRONG.
11. Manage money a little better. Life isn't about the green BUT, it's good to be safe with that shiz.
12. Be thankful and appreciative. Give thanks everyday for what you have; it could be worse, and it could be gone.
13. Let go of the bad times and make room for the good times.
14. Don't get discouraged and don't get dependent on others. Everyone is playing out their own lives, let go and let live. These things happen, and people don't mean to hurt you on purpose and either way, be honest and tell them when they do.
15. Again, devote one day of the week (at least!) to thyself and FUN/relaxing.
    
16. Organization!
    
17. Try something new: food, culture, dance, clothes, etc
18. Be genuine. Not that you haven't, but being realER never hurts.
19. TRAVEL. !!!
20. Fall in love...with yourself, with your family, with your friends, with your cooking, with movies, with music and don't fret about finding 'someone'. It'll happen when it happens.
21. Be open minded, loving, and free. Live free, always.

Yup. I feel pretty good about that list.

Anyways, I don't miss facebook. I hated who I was when I had it. I'll most likely create a new one though, I did like looking at pictures. I love pictures.


So, I didn't really get any closure nor did I receive a response. But that's fine; it shows how much you don't respect me. I'm just upset because maybe I did like you, but I liked you for your worth and how interesting of a person you were. I never wanted your nuts...that bad. Hooking up with you was just...unexpected. Or, as you put it, "it was unexpected, but nice". HAH. Whatever. I'll dwell on this denial for a bit, spit at your name and peace out of this phase eventually. But for now, just let me bear my cross. Apparently, it's a good look for me.


However, what I don't like so far is not having anyone to talk to. I guess this is the dynamic of learning to be alone. It's definitely different. I mean, I have my friends and such but, I want to whisper into someone's neck what happened today as we cuddle. Or breathe in the way their clothes smell...whatever. I'm such a sad fish and a sap it's ridiculous. I don't want anything serious, it usually always is, I just want something for now. I never took myself to be the delicate flower type, I guess I am. The fuck.


Tomorrow I leave for New Jersey with Emily. <3. I hope for good weather, good times, and memories.

Sticky Table Blues

It must be in my nature to relish how the sting feels. So I sit here and prick the scab til the blood dries numb over some sort of memory I used to have. Some might say I had it all, and looking back now, it was the best excuse to keep it all. So I sit here and I, I, I play this stupid game where I imagine myself somewhere else, somewhere good, somewhere bad, some place anywhere but here. And most of the time it works.I, I, I am somewhere warm and cold, where the sun shines ice on my frosted bikini tan line, where my beer boils over in its froth and I, I, I realize I will never be happy. Should I have a kingdom of gold, a chest of ivory stone and a head full of Freudians, Marxists, Tocquevilles and Arendts, I, I, I will always wonder at why I is just I. The most remarkably average, fantastically simple arms and legs, body and eyes. I, I, I have learnt to grow with contempt, not content.

The table is sticky and dark, like the black continent of a woman's love, or the actual black continent where white guilt pillages the villages of small huts and farms. Either way, today here am I, in the black continent, only with love, without violence, without purpose. Full of resolve. The tip of my nose sings numb when I flex it, at some points I can see my own breath. But perhaps I am better preserved this way. The table sticks to my elbows like a leech's stomach does to some sort of prey, but what kind of subsistence it should receive, I would like to know. I am just hollow and flavorless as the next automaton but perhaps someone in this deal will find the truth. For now I sit here, at the sticky table, looking studious, pretending I am contemplating the meaning in life when really...I'm learning to accept that maybe, I have none.

I will rise up...

Boogie/Time

I am ridiculous. I let you plague my mind like that cavity in my mouth I keep feeding with sugar and sucrose. I like to fuck with the wound pouring salt on it as I go, each thrust proof of how strong I am, and oh my god, look at it swell. I can't say I didn't see it coming but to say I know this feeling is like the priest telling the blind man that it is truly he that sees and shall inherit the earth: (fuck you, the blind should say, I can't see nothing at all.) Flashes of purple and yellow, and suddenly I see stars. You just take the red and the blue one, and tell me you're on Mars. Fuck that shit, I don't need the lies any more than you need the chemical imbalance firing off in your head right now like the People's Right hand on the trigger of Ceausescu's gun. Back up against the wall, tell me you feel nothing at all, fucking tell me you feel anything at all. And I sit here sweating like a pig in heat trying to make heads or tails of the curse you got me into. Hegel was right, the dialectic can't be stopped and I myself am trapped in this conversation History has going in the background like a spectre...but I have not passed. These events were destined to rot even before a connection was to be made, a soul was to be touched and a hand was to be held. Did I miss something here? or better yet, where did I lose you and who did I find instead? The lines and creases of time's molding look the same, shit was it only yesterday that the phone rang? And you, and you, and you ran? And yet who are you now, your smell, your touch, your skin melting into the mattress I forever thought was my threshold, and my domain? And yet, and yet who are you now effortlessly eating my flesh as I myself dagger pieces off pretending that the wolves really deserve it and oh, oh my dear, you look hungry as hell. You say you havent eaten.
I cannot be so sure.

...............................................................


Instead of doing my finals I fuck around like an idiot.
Either way, I gotta move on now. Something just wasn't right.
Here's to pretending I can do anything and get away with it. Here's to pretending I'm some sort of dreamt up badass. Oh well. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow.
And ps, y'all are assholes.

I feel empty.

Slow it down, you have a tendency to rush back into your past...

Just, FUCKKKK. Seriously? Mind games? I don't this shit. I haven't done this shit in fucking forever and you think this is cool, fun, vengeful? You left me with no indicator of doubt. So why am I the one sitting here like a fucking idiot? I don't like this give or take, just fucking tell me to back off and I will. Don't have me 'assume' everything is fine only to have you jerk me around like a fucking dumbass. Perhaps its you and your drugs, fuck I don't know. I just know I don't deserve this. Talk to me like a being. I wasn't expecting anything, before or after the fact. Be civil, tell me how you feel; you don't want me around, fucking fine! Oh boohoo! I don't care. But don't leave me in limbo thinking this and that, don't fucking DISRESPECT ME.

These are my demands:
You have until Thursday to say anything to me, good, bad, I don't give a fuck.
I will not contact you until Thursday evening, and that will be it. The final straw, and if you respond hopefully I get some fucking indicator/closure and can move on out of this fucking mess. And if not, I will take your silence as furthering your disrespect towards me and is an answer in itself. I have nothing to lose or gain with you or this, because I never wanted anything from you to begin with besides friendship.

Word to the wise, you don't fuck with me and get away with it. I'm going to call you out. No witnesses needed, no questions asked. This is your warning.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX


Shit. Well besides that I have finals. I have one day of classes left then my Polish exam on Wednesday. Phew. Booze, Blood and Boobs on Wednesday, thank goodie. I need some fun time. I put some new product in my hair and it's like weird. It's water based. I lost my hair gel. WTF. It's ok. I'll get a new one.

I cleaned my room. Like vacuumed and steam cleaned my floors. It's beautiful I love it. I have lights on the windows and a little green man and a blue starburst light. Love it. Now I just have to keep it this way. I really love it.

Also, I gave Schroeder away. I'm sad but happy. I wasn't taking good care of him. I gave him to Emily's friend Sarah Pray. She's an animal enthusiast so I'm happy he has a good home.

What else? I bought amazing boots. They are beautifulll.



Well, I'm sad. All I want is to not be alone this New Year's Eve. Be it friends or family, or just anybody, all I want is to end this year on a good note, not at home and not alone. I could go visit Emily in NJ/Atlantic City, or IDK. IDC really. Just something.

I started writing again. And working out. The two complement each other, and yet they both feel like exorcisms of the soul and body. This will be beautiful, beautiful. I love both, and right now it's very painful. But I have to get over that bump. It will all be beautiful.


Alright, good night. I have a lot to do tomorrow. Fuck. And an oil change, finally.

xoxo


PS there's snow :)

Passed out in your garden, I'm in and I can't get off...

Oh man. I'm a softie for mainstream, but please, Kings of Leon aren't just any mainstream radio band. I personally think they have a great talent. I love that old dirty Southern Rock. So I guess now I'm moving from crushing on Irish lads to Southern dirrrtty boys. (Not girls, I like em delicate). Yum.

Well haannyywayyss, I got my lip pierced! YAY! I LOVE IT. It's fucking beautiful. I'll upload a photo when I'm more conscious. Um, it's 2 am and I've finished so much work! But I still have so much to do. Fucking A. I might stay up a bit longer. If I do more now, I'll get to go to bed earlier tomorrow because I have a presentation due Tuesday on Chile and neoliberalism. Shit, fuck America on that event in history. I watched that movie, Missing, today, about how an American freelance writer fucking DISAPPEARED during the coup d'etat and only ended up being DEAD. Such a sad movie. Fuck capitalism. Everyone's like YAY FREE MARKET AND SHIZ, and yes I love my consumer goods, but sometimes it scares the shit out of me how may people I'm screwing over for my shoes, for my cereal, for anything. Even my veggies. Is there a way out? Um, I'll try to find an answer for that when I graduate because I really don't have the brain power nor time nor money to do something now. I will be a bit lazy now. Shhh.

My family almost disowned me for the lip piercing. Eh, it's ok. We talked it through. I don't even feel like typing what went down because it was so pointless. It was hurtful and I was ridiculed all over the place with roundabout arguments but ugh. W/e. They're family. That's blood. Me and mom definitely became closer. In like 5 minutes. It was rough.

Then I went to Candyland on Saturday. OH GOODIE. It was so much fun. I got crunk with my loves Libby, Em and Sarah and it was just lovely. Everyone was shocked I could move my butt. Every 5 minutes I was grindin' up on someone's dick or pussayyy. What can I say, I'm hot shiz. Haha, I did encounter some male 'grenades'...got out of that situation fast! LOL. Ugh, I love dancing dirty. I was going to go to the UMASS EDMC event, but I think not. I have a lot to get through, and I'm already going out on Tuesday to meet with one of the people I'm going to be interviewing for my thesis. Bonding and shit, ya know. I'm excited :). Even though Libby is coming to babysit me. Oh, yay. Sheeesh. Hah jk, love that mami.


I don't know. I'm stressing over NOTHING. I got my girls, my work and my drankkk. I don't play games homes. Well, not as of late. I would reach out, but ehh. I'm done doing that for now. You can let me know you're ready. PS, I'm so ready for break and for sleep and for just wylin' out. I just don't think I have anyone in the Pioneer Valley/ Western MA to get down with. Um fuck highschool? hahah. I'm fucking 21 and I'm still antagonizing over HIGHSCHOOL. WTF IS WRONG WITH ME!?!? Someday, I will be able to say I truly got over highschool haha. Someday when I'm out of this state, maybe even country.

OMG. i want to cuddle so bad right now :(. I want a cuddle buddy, no physical nada required. I just want to share body warmth snuggling! That's all I want, fo real. Don't kiss me because, 1., I just got my lip pierced and 2., I'm afraid of the herp! hahah. Oh, dating is going to be so hard. I am not going to be able to hook up with anyone unless I know their medical history! Imagine that, butt naked and I'm asking the other person for their STI results!?! LOL. Ughhh I'm delirious right now. I had a FUCKING SODA and was able to get through so much work and yet cannot bring my heart beat down.Oh meng.

Anyways, I'm leaving you with some wise words from Aesop Rock. Yum.
Gotta go clean my lip and moufff. NIGHT! <3 xoxo



95ers ANTHEM
Shit... Vanessa, what time is it? aw, fuck ... Labor.

Zoom in to the fuming of an aggravated breed
Via the study of post-adolesent agitated seeds
Half the patients wasted self pride at Commencement
So I focus on the urban Oxygen samples, the hot that made it breathe
They sold Pompeii impression, waste infections
And twelve steps to lesson
Cretins swiftly tippy toe on hard to swallow, barter concepts
The give-it get-it, never let it self pass the word, eyeing stubborness
Martyrs talks money causes in a harvesting Spartacus
And someone, I've thrown long Hail Mary bombs
Toward cookie-cutter Mother Natures bedazzled synthetic fabrics
Life treats the peasants like
They tried to fuck his woman while he slept inside
Well they're merely chasing perfectionist emblems
When the clock strikes nine
I'll be waking with the best of routine caffiene team players
For the cycle of it
Under a dusted angel heartstring Big Brother is watching
My odometer like buzzard to fallen elk, talking stealth
We got babies, rubber stamps, and briefcase parts
We on some door-to-door now
Order ten dollars or more, we'll shove it down your throat for free
I'll sacrifice my inborn tendencies
For copper pennies for one commanding "Gimme that"
So we can retain baby fat
Make the biter snake bedlam
Holocaust freak, heckle shiesty brain headroom shaped planet
Make a move, pause, make a move break cannon
Bent barrel one eight zero, you'll turn, squeeze, ending
It's on like it's never been
It's bleeding well
It's bigger than a breadbox
It can roast my leaky finance
I'll take my seat atop the Brooklyn Bridge
With a Coke and a bag of chips
To watch a thousand lemmings plummet just because
The first one slipped
Sometimes I laugh at victory, kissing these little question marks
I tend to underestimate my average
Just another bastard savage
Someday you'll all eat out of my cold hand
'cause every dog has its day
At which point, I'll pull it away

Now we the American working population
Hate the fact that eight hours a day
Is wasted on chasing the dream of someone that isn't us
And we may not hate our jobs
But we hate jobs in general
That don't have to do with fighting our own causes
We the American working population
Hate the nine-to-five day-in day-out
When we'd rather be supporting ourselves
By being paid to perfect the pasttimes
That we have harbored based solely on the fact
That it makes us smile if it sounds dope

[Aesop Rock]

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/95ers-anthem-lyrics-aesop-rock.html ]

It's the year of the silkworm
Everything I built burned yesterday
Let's display the purpose that these stilts serve
Elevate the spreading of the silk germ
Trying to weave a web but all that I believe in is dead
Nah brother, it's the year of the jackal
Saddle up on high horse
My torch forced Polaris embarrassed
Shackle up the hassle by the dooming legend marriage
I bought some new sneakers
I just hope my legacy matches
It's the year of the landshark
Dry as sand, parched, damn get these men some water
They're out there being slaughtered
In meaningless wars so you don't have to bother
And can sit and soak the idiotbox trying to fuck their daughters
Man it's the year of the Orphan
Seated adjacent to the firefly circling the torches on your porches
Trying to guard the fortress of a king they've never seen or met
But all are trained to murder at the first sign of a threat
Maybe it's the year of the waterbug
Cockroach utter thug specimen
Your response, dreaming of your next of kin
I'm still dealing with this mess I'm in
I've been the object of your ridicule
You've been a bitch lieutenant
God it's the year of the underpaid employee
Spitting forty plus a week
And trying to rape earth on my off time
You bought dizzy, I can't keep myself busy enough
So you can run run run
And I'ma let you think you won
EVERYBODY!

We the American working population
Hate the fact that eight hours a day
Is wasted on chasing the dream of someone that isn't us
And we may not hate our jobs
But we hate jobs in general
That don't have to do with fighting our own causes
We the American working population
Hate the nine to five day-in day-out
But we'd rather be supporting ourselves
By being paid to perfect the pasttimes
That we have harbored based solely on the fact
That it makes us smile if it sounds dope

[Aesop Rock]
Fumble outta bed and stumble to the kitchen
Pour myself a cup of ambition and
Yawn and stretch and my life is a mess and
If I never make it home today, God bless
Fumble outta bed and stumble to the kitchen
Pour myself a cup of ambition and
Yawn and stretch and my life is a mess and
If I never make it home today, God bless

Mumford & Sons : Thistle and Weeds & Dust Bowl Dance : Rough Trade : 4....

The Last Day of November, 2010

Mumford and Sons are fucking AMAZING. They, unlike me and my vocab, are beautiful. They are eloquently and successfully describing my situation in almost every single song. Ugh, so cliche I know, but seriously. Every hit on that piano, that raspy voice, holy Christ, why is the lead singer not in my bed? Naked? I'd tap. Shit. I truly believe the love of my life will be an Irish man. I need to go to Ireland. ASAP. Didn't they make some chick flick about that? Leapyear? Yeah, I should watch that.

PS, I just posted one of their videos. I think it's the post before this one. Schweet.

Oh my god, I have so much to do. Ugh, two more weeks and I am free. I will miss my friends dearly though. Who do I have back home? No one. Ew ew ew ew. Oh what a sad revelation. Imma have to build some bridges FAST and make a drinking crew at home.

OH MY GOD. I forgot. I made a whiskey date with one of the people I'm going to interview. FUCKING STOKED. I think it's just going to be badass that I'm going to be in a pub with a tattooed huge ass guy. FUCK YES. Ugh, either way I'm wicked nervous too. But more so excited. Chyeah.

Oh and, I really hope for the best with this. I do. When you say so, I'll guess it'll be ok. I'll wait.

Dave. Seriously. I love you. I loved you. You were my all for three years. And I'm learning to cope. It's not easy, not at all. but you're not helping. Your incessant texting and your facebook messages and statuses...just no. Get out, get away, leave me alone. I'm done. Cry all you want, maybe it's your turn. I'm all cried out. I'm dried out. Just, fuck, leave me alone. I get excited about thinking about new people and whiskey dates and shit. "Tomorrow would have been 40 months". Oh fuck you, you never cared before! It's too late. I'm finally alive.

Fuck. Yes.


Alright, I have to get some work done. For real. EWIE.
Well, my piece today will be the mumford lyrics to little lion man. So fantastic. Seriously, get in my beddddd.


Little Lion Man, Mumford and Sons

Weep for yourself, my man,
You'll never be what is in your heart
Weep Little Lion Man,
You're not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rake yourself,
Take all the courage you have left
Wasted on fixing all the problems
That you made in your own head

But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn't I, my dear?
Didn't I, my...

Tremble for yourself, my man,
You know that you have seen this all before
Tremble Little Lion Man,
You'll never settle any of your scores
Your grace is wasted in your face,
Your boldness stands alone among the wreck
Now learn from your mother or else spend your days Biting your own neck

But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn't I, my dear? (x2)

Didn't I, my dear?

Ahhhhh......

But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn't I, my dear? (x2)

Didn't I, my dear?


WATCH THE VIDEO HERE

Here we are again.

Oh fuck. It's 1:12 am and here I am again on the internet. It's so senseless what I do. I stay up lurking and absorbing all this stupid useless shit that gets me riled up for no reason before bed. I should have gone to bed hours ago. What the fuck am I still doing up? AND I have work to do. FUCK.

Oh, yeah, hi it's me again. Not that anyone's reading? I do it for myself I guess.

I'm such a scumsucker. I'm like searching the webzzz looking for a fight. I swear to god, I'm such a pugnacious prick. What am I trying to prove? Or, more acutely, what I am trying to say? I feel like me arguing is cathartic to a point, but there's a bigger issue. I don't have the brain matter for this any more.

Yes, the conclusion is that everything that's happened is my fault. Well, I'm getting over it.

Oh yes, I broke up with Dave and he won't leave me alone. Jesus Christ, he's whining like a 12 year old kid. What pisses me off the most is everything he says to me is about HIM, how he wants to prove HIMSELF to me, how HE can make me happy, and how he doesn't understand how someone who loves him won't even see him. Fuck, um, so you're not doing this in the prospects of loving me? Ugh. I'm so done. I broke up with him for ME. And it's wonderful. Bitter and lonesome. But wonderful. I got my girls, my drankkk and my two step. Fuck off.

PS, being Polish is so complicated. Me being Polish doesn't equate me to being "pro life" or any of that conservative shit. Plus, Catholicism is a sinking ship and deeming myself one is like tying a millstone around my neck and jumping into the Atlantic with my arms tied. Fuck no, thanks. So, do me a favor, and don't assume. Don't assume I'm Catholic, don't assume I'm straight, don't assume I'm gay, don't assume I'm a crazy liberal, don't assume I'm this, that and a fucking IQ point off of being mindless. Just, don't. I hate assumptions, you have no fucking idea. Yeah, I'm talking to YOU.

I've decided to be active and aggressive. I don't care where it gets me as long as it gets me out of here. PS, fuck highschool man. Because a telephone call, a fucking TEXT, would kill you? What the fuck, were you all fake with me to begin with? Ugh, over it. ON TO THE NEXT ONE. And yes, I actually do like Jay Z, I don't care what you think. He's the fuggin menggg.

OKay, bye. I have to do my CST proposal. It's due tomorrow. And, it's fucking awesome. Like me.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


diseased fingers clutching backboned brushes,
your hair falls in clumps, and dumps, and lumps.
silly, we hold on to elementary school rhymes in hopes
of somehow preserving an
innocence
we shall never know. I am envious of those
learning to walk, when all I know is how to
run, run, run and fall. sewing buttons on this
jacket, this old musty thing, i try to piece
together something I knew of myself. I apologize.
What does that mean?
I am hungry. Hungry for a word.
But you are right not to feed me. I am a
traitor. Traiter? Traitor?
Spell that with an 'o'? I like the 'e' better, it's like a sharper
tone, a knife. Nevermind the buttons, I must plan on
escaping being a wife. Silly, silly rhymes...
Whatever happened to those days where the sun
beat hard on our freshly sewn backs
freckled in our mother's hue?
I liked peeling the burns off, you liked
stealing my shoes.
I was blessed and I took it for jokes,
or perhaps I am cursed, and was all along,
but was too miserable to notice.
Chalk dust. Sunscreeen. Powdered juice.
I'm so silly. So silly.
My back is hardened now. With scabs that itch.
The plague has come after all, these buttons,
these goddamn buttons,
are the first on the sacrificial list.

Tired

So, let's say I work three jobs. M-Th I work at the Pierogi Queen/ Old Country Deli in Enfield. F and Sun I work the bar. I either cater or cover people on Saturdays. Then M-Su I plan and develop Camp Stanica which will take place July 11th-24th. Even then, I'm catering a wedding the 17th. I just can't get a break can I?


No, I will, in three days and a month from now. Just found out I'll be spending a few days in Venice. I'm so happy I could pee. I'll be going to two countries this summer! CRAZY. And Pula, Croatia is BEAUTIFUL. It's got all these old Roman buildings and aqueducts and coliseums. So excited. I don't want to brag, but it feels like no one really gets how excited I am. Oh well. I am so insanely grateful...I don't even know where to start my thank yous.


I love everybody. Sometimes.


Ps- Camp better be a piece of fucking cake this year. My stress level is way to high for summer and skin is way to pale. Oh, fucking well. I'm more concerned about the stress.

I watched Precious today. Fucking awesome movie. I bawled so hard. This makes me appreciate my life so much more and how lucky I am. She also inspired me to move forward and to really take control of my situation, no matter what it is. Really strong stuff.


I'm off to bed. Job 2 awaits!

NBA finals with mom- Extreme LOL

So I watched Game 7 not at my bar, nor with my friends- but with my MOM. Small, Polish, blonde, curly haired and crazy- she was so fucking into it! It was awesome. She cried 'murder' for every call against the Celtics and demanded referee blood. But what can ya say? It was played on LA turf so they were up against so much: the fans, the media (fuck you ABC), the refs, the calls and the crazy desire to break the legacy.

They were both amazing teams and they both played kind of dirty. I'm so upset with how many fouls the Celtics were called on and how many times they let that Gasol fucker and Bryant up on the line. They were just giving away free baskets. Oh and I really don't like that Vivijicicwhatthefucckk his last name is. He just came off as such a douchebag.

It all came down to who wanted it more. Doc Rivers was sweating up a storm and I knew he wanted it, but so what? He had the boys on the court rep him, but all in all they could only fulfill their own goals. I still love Ray Allen, #20 on the Celts. I think he's got incredible talent and keeps his cool, and I know this is girly, but he's a cutie patootie. Him and Pierce- more so Allen though haha.


Oh and PS- I know this is dumb, but seriously all you haters on Facebook need to STFU. Who the FUCK cares if I post a status on the game? Quit your fucking pseudo intellectual bullshit and chill out. How about you start showing that same concern for the fuckers involved in the fucking BP oil spill or what's actually going on in the world? Instead, you have this passive and almost apathetic outlook that the 'common man' and his connection to something is so 'passe'. Bullshit. Don't even try to pull Marx on me here bitch because the bastard rooted for many an underdog in his time! Underdogs that completely went against HIS notions of a perfect society. And ps- acting 'above it all' makes you look fucking stupid. I mean, c'mon really. You're so offended by people's excitement and expression by something they're passionate about? The moment someone says shit about your trendy political beliefs or clothes or fucking music (eat a bag of dicks your pseudo hardcore and hipster indie shitbirds) all hell breaks loose. Seriously- grow a pair and chill out.

Translation: I hate fucking pretentious and trendy yet utterly IGNORANT AND STUPID Western Mass fucks. Yes, I'm calling you out.


And I'm serious about BP. Everyone should be pissed at that shit. NOT OKAY.

Anyways, work tomorrow. Dreaming big about Croatia :)

Scrambled, please.

It's been almost a year. JK only months and some change but enough to make me question my very own name. I got a Tumblr...what for? Eh I don't even know. I also round my old Livejournal. Haha. Good shit.

But if I were to wrap up the last half year as quickly as possible it would go like this:

January- was in Georgia for three weeks; amazing. I love the country and the people and met some amazing new friends. Started my fourth semester in college. Awful New Years; Matt Zabik walked in on me and Dave. Ass.
February- cute Valentine's Day at Taco Bell. Dave knows me too well. It snows and snows, I am no longer so cold. I am a bartender!
March- worst.month.of.my.life. Get into car accident the day of spring break; the month is followed by stress, calls to and from the lawyer, the insurance office, the doctors, the repair shop and the physical therapy office. I miss my period and take a preggo test which comes out negative. Thanks Stef! Ugh what a month.
April- we hit 90 degree weather! The end is sooo near...of the semester that is.
May- FINALS! Got all A's bitches! So happy. Worst/best semester ever. Apply for the program at Kosciuszko....which I do not find out until...
JUNE- denied from Kosciuszko program in Poland. Fucking PISSED. Trying to get my $$$ back, bitch won't reply to my emails. The only way I got my response was after I emailed them asking what was going on. Ugh. I work at the Pierogi Queen in Enfield/ The Polish National Home of Enfield/ The Old Polish Deli and the PNH of Chicopee Falls bartending. I work everyday.
:/

But it's all worth it. I might be going to Croatia :)...! So I need the money.


-----------------------
And when you sigh the bed
shakes and
rumbles like the hungry
belly walls of
a
beast in heat.
Do not fast upon
simplicity, because, well,
that's all you'll get.
Let's be illogical-
let's speak physical.
It does not matter whether your grammar fits-
but as long as it causes me to ring ring ring
Will I accept
the invitation-But!
For now you sleep,
and every sigh brings
blood blushing
to my ever remembering
cheeks.

Eve before Georgia

I apologize for the sudden break in my writing- well, I apologize to myself- but, I'm here now.

Christmas Eve was wonderful and felt like a real event this year, despite the sudden feeling of not caring anymore. The dinner was superb and stuck to Polish tradition- borsch, zurek, grohuvka, pierogi (2X) and fish. We set a place aside for visitor, opened presents (surprised to find I had some!) and went to Bright Nights and Blockbuster. It was wonderful. I don't think I can express how lovely and calm it was- no shouting, no anger- just good intentions.

Christmas Day- I worked...blah. Uncle Wiesek and his family came for dinner. Dave came over and we exchanged gifts. He had already surprised me at the CTP while I was working. He's so cute- he got me a Barnes and Noble gift card first and after I had told him about the True Blood book collection, he got that for me as well! His mother got us both one of those Zhu Zhu hamsters (?). It's weird, but cute in a way. Apparently, they are a big deal. We watched the most recent Harry Potter (Half Blood Prince, fucking finally!) and relaxed. The next day my parents left for Canada and I had a few people over for drinks and a game. And Dave spent the night.

New Years Eve- I held a small get together. Not as big as last years- nor as messy. So a plus. I still spent a shit ton on food- which angers me because I was supposed to be saving $$ for Georgia. Whatever.

Last night, the 2nd, Dave took me out to eat. After the dinner, which was delicious, I completely broke down in front of him. I mean, it all started with him telling a story- but that struck a chord with me. Well long mindfuck story short- this is what I realized-

I am no longer 'it' with people. Ever since last year when I first began to finally understand that people suck and I am naive, I realized things were falling apart. And, I was watching it happen- helpless. One by one these so called friends flew away, fell away, ran away. In high school, I always had stories to tell, or was in the stories myself. And now? I am the one listening, bitter to the core that I have no stories to tell. That I have no friends to call to hang out with. That I am a nothing and a no one to people. Perhaps this is a reality check- perhaps I need to start letting people push me over again. Dave said that I like to be tough in front of people to show that I am not a push over, but he insists that I'm not and never was. And he insists that everyone likes me, if not loves me. But that's not enough for me. I don't need any more acquaintances. I want friends. I want stability and friendship. Julianna, my best friend, doesn't even call nor talk to me. When we went out for ice cream it was so goddamn awkward. This girl who I knew since first grade and who lives a street over- is like a stranger. But then again, I don't call either, but it's just too hard and weird because I expect to hear my old friend on the line. And my heart breaks after talking to a new stranger.

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps---we are all changing. These growing pains are killing me. And it doesn't help that I am stubborn.

------

Tomorrow, actually this morning, I will wake at 5:30, shower, finish fighting with my luggage and prepare for my long trek to a country on the other side of the globe. Tomorrow I will be going to Georgia.

Am I excited? Of course. Am I scared? Yes. Yes. YES.

I have this frog in my throat and this knot in my belly. I've traveled before to Poland, Sweden, Italy, France, other parts of the US. But this is somewhat different. I think most of the anxiety is that I don't know what to expect, and that I'll be missing Dave terribly. He has become my best friend and shoulder. I cried in the car today after he dropped me off from a tense and nervous car ride to the Mount Holyoke campus to return a library book. He was crying too and wouldn't let me go.

Oh, my poor heart. My poor, sweet and gentle thing. Be good, be good. And remember where I left off?

We promised to facebook talk everyday. I'll be beyond crushed if this falls apart. I miss him already.

Well. I'll write here soon. By then I'll be in Tbilisi Georgia!!!!

PS- I'm interning for the United Nations Association. SA-WEETTT

------------------

Where did I leave

What did I leave

Where is the marker that knows

and denotes how many

kisses I will miss, and the safety

of the nook of your forearm, where

even on golden days, is all I could

ever look forward to.

Strained lips locked look like

explosions or collisions of runners

bearing important words stained on their palms

and ruby red scrolls-

my message to you-

keep my place, keep me here-

your message to me-

don't fret, just run.

Run, run, ran

Could I outrun the unbearable heaviness

lacing my heart with it's cruel tendencies of impatience?

Fly, fly, flew-

Close your eyes now, and I'll

be gone,

but open them wide and you will

feel me there

even when

our messengers run on

separate tracks.