Christmas Eve was wonderful and felt like a real event this year, despite the sudden feeling of not caring anymore. The dinner was superb and stuck to Polish tradition- borsch, zurek, grohuvka, pierogi (2X) and fish. We set a place aside for visitor, opened presents (surprised to find I had some!) and went to Bright Nights and Blockbuster. It was wonderful. I don't think I can express how lovely and calm it was- no shouting, no anger- just good intentions.
Christmas Day- I worked...blah. Uncle Wiesek and his family came for dinner. Dave came over and we exchanged gifts. He had already surprised me at the CTP while I was working. He's so cute- he got me a Barnes and Noble gift card first and after I had told him about the True Blood book collection, he got that for me as well! His mother got us both one of those Zhu Zhu hamsters (?). It's weird, but cute in a way. Apparently, they are a big deal. We watched the most recent Harry Potter (Half Blood Prince, fucking finally!) and relaxed. The next day my parents left for Canada and I had a few people over for drinks and a game. And Dave spent the night.
New Years Eve- I held a small get together. Not as big as last years- nor as messy. So a plus. I still spent a shit ton on food- which angers me because I was supposed to be saving $$ for Georgia. Whatever.
Last night, the 2nd, Dave took me out to eat. After the dinner, which was delicious, I completely broke down in front of him. I mean, it all started with him telling a story- but that struck a chord with me. Well long mindfuck story short- this is what I realized-
I am no longer 'it' with people. Ever since last year when I first began to finally understand that people suck and I am naive, I realized things were falling apart. And, I was watching it happen- helpless. One by one these so called friends flew away, fell away, ran away. In high school, I always had stories to tell, or was in the stories myself. And now? I am the one listening, bitter to the core that I have no stories to tell. That I have no friends to call to hang out with. That I am a nothing and a no one to people. Perhaps this is a reality check- perhaps I need to start letting people push me over again. Dave said that I like to be tough in front of people to show that I am not a push over, but he insists that I'm not and never was. And he insists that everyone likes me, if not loves me. But that's not enough for me. I don't need any more acquaintances. I want friends. I want stability and friendship. Julianna, my best friend, doesn't even call nor talk to me. When we went out for ice cream it was so goddamn awkward. This girl who I knew since first grade and who lives a street over- is like a stranger. But then again, I don't call either, but it's just too hard and weird because I expect to hear my old friend on the line. And my heart breaks after talking to a new stranger.
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps---we are all changing. These growing pains are killing me. And it doesn't help that I am stubborn.
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Tomorrow, actually this morning, I will wake at 5:30, shower, finish fighting with my luggage and prepare for my long trek to a country on the other side of the globe. Tomorrow I will be going to Georgia.
Am I excited? Of course. Am I scared? Yes. Yes. YES.
I have this frog in my throat and this knot in my belly. I've traveled before to Poland, Sweden, Italy, France, other parts of the US. But this is somewhat different. I think most of the anxiety is that I don't know what to expect, and that I'll be missing Dave terribly. He has become my best friend and shoulder. I cried in the car today after he dropped me off from a tense and nervous car ride to the Mount Holyoke campus to return a library book. He was crying too and wouldn't let me go.
Oh, my poor heart. My poor, sweet and gentle thing. Be good, be good. And remember where I left off?
We promised to facebook talk everyday. I'll be beyond crushed if this falls apart. I miss him already.
Well. I'll write here soon. By then I'll be in Tbilisi Georgia!!!!
PS- I'm interning for the United Nations Association. SA-WEETTT
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Where did I leave
What did I leave
Where is the marker that knows
and denotes how many
kisses I will miss, and the safety
of the nook of your forearm, where
even on golden days, is all I could
ever look forward to.
Strained lips locked look like
explosions or collisions of runners
bearing important words stained on their palms
and ruby red scrolls-
my message to you-
keep my place, keep me here-
your message to me-
don't fret, just run.
Run, run, ran
Could I outrun the unbearable heaviness
lacing my heart with it's cruel tendencies of impatience?
Fly, fly, flew-
Close your eyes now, and I'll
be gone,
but open them wide and you will
feel me there
even when
our messengers run on
separate tracks.
